new beginnings

Friends

Everyone left right after and I was ready to sleep.

Sleep gives you time to escape.

I wasn't even physically tired, just emotionally drained. Since I was still under suicide watch, I had to have someone in the bedroom with me. I firmly said no and they understood so they let me be alone. This would be the first time in months I sleep without another person.

I laid back on the bed, gathering my thoughts. I suddenly had an idea, and found a book under the bed. I tore out a blank page in the back and found a pen in the nightstand drawer.

Knowing I needed to sort things out, I began writing. I listed all the things I needed to do.

-Tell Ron about my suicide attempt

-Tell Ron about Jordan's pregnancy

-Break up

-Come clean about having sex with Jordan again

I looked at all the things I needed to do and felt overwhelmed. They all seemed too important not to do and I couldn't just scribble them out. All of them would be hard to do, but I had to get big things off my plate so I can worry about other less important things.

I had to do it now.

Sighing, I grabbed my crutches and walked into the hall. Ron and Jordan were in separate bedrooms so I went to Ron's first. He wasn't asleep when I walked in.

He looked scared to see me. "Are you okay?"

"Come here," I said and he got up. We went into Jordan's room, who wasn't asleep either and she followed us into my bedroom.

Ron separated the two twin beds that were together and slid one across the room to its original spot. I sat on one and they both sat on the other across from me.

"I need to get things settled. I have too many things worrying me and I should just say them, so here it goes," I started out.

"Ron, I attempted suicide," I said. His jaw dropped and he stared at me.

"H-how?" He stuttered. His worried face made me feel even more sad.

I lifted my arm so he could see the bandage on my wrist. He gasped. Jordan looked down.

Ron quickly got up and held my arm in his hands, gazing down at the bandage.

"Why?" He asked, his eyes watering.

"I was feeling really low, so I slit my wrist. Went into a coma for four days and woke up today," I whispered. He wiped away a tear.

"I-I can't believe it. I should've been here," he looked into my eyes.

"I have more to tell. Sit back down and please don't get upset," I said and he followed my orders.

"There's no easy way to put this. J-Jordan's pregnant," I tried not to sound too harsh.

Ron scratched at his arm then looked up. "Oh," was all he could manage to say.

"I'm doing this the non-sugarcoated way. I broke our promise, I had sex with her again. And since she's pregnant, I don't know what we're doing anymore," I looked down so I wouldn't see Ron's reaction. Jordan gasped at the way I put it.

He was silent. Waiting for a response seemed like it was a thousand years.

"This can't be happening. No, no..." he shook his head and wiped his tears away.

"I love you. I thought you felt the same way," he added. I felt like a million knives were stabbing me.

"Ron, I do love y-"

"Bullshit! If you did love me you wouldn't do this to me. I thought you fucking cared about me," Ron interrupted. My heart dropped.

"I care about you. I honestly do. I never meant to put you through this," I said, tears flowing.

"You don't give a shit about me! You cheated on me with her, twice! Apologies don't work anymore. I trusted you," his words sent guilt throughout my body.

He loudly cried and Jordan kept looking down, trying to avoid everything.

After a while, I had to speak up again.

"I love you both so much, and I swear I will never lie to you guys ever again. Both of you are my world. But, I need time off. From both of you. Until further notice, I am not dating anyone. Give me time," I explained. They both looked up.

"What? You're leaving me?" Jordan said worriedly.

"For now. I need to figure something out," I said.

"You said you would take care of me!" She cried out.

"I will. I'm not abandoning you. Same goes for you, Ron," I said. He looked up, eyes red from crying.

"I hate to do this, but can we all just be friends? I couldn't completely de-attach myself from you guys," I said.

Ron and Jordan both looked at each other. Hesitatingly, they both nodded in agreement.

"Okay," Ron's voice broke.

"I'm so sorry," I finished. They nodded, obviously hurt. I felt terrible too.

They both walked out after saying goodnight.

I felt even more worried than before, even with everything said and done.

This was the lowest point of my life.

Boyfriend-less.

Girlfriend-less.

Father-less.