Dan Howell.
The guy who got attacked.
The guy who spent 5 months in hospital.
The guy who should be dead.
But Dan has a secret. Something only he and a selective of others know about. And Dan has to hide it, otherwise the others of his kind will be...
The detention room was cold. The wounds that littered his body ached and a few were still oozing out blood in the form of dark, almost black, beads. Seeing the blood brought back many memories of that night... the night he was attacked... but Dan pushed every one of the memories away, or at least as much as he could. The last thing he wanted was to be thinking about that night.
Right now, Dan was focused on doing the assigned work the teacher had made him do; an essay on why Dan was in the wrong.
In all honestly, Dan knew full well he wasn't what he considered in 'the wrong'. He honestly thought what he did was right. Besides, this was all Alfie's fault and he was the victim to Alfie's little 'games'.
I want to put out how I feel about this whole thing. I personally do not feel whatever happened out in that corridor was any of my fault. Non whatsoever. Maybe I'm being selfish? Or Maybe I'm being logical about this entire thing unlike those who disagree. If it wasn't for Alfie blackmailing me into doing stuff for money, I wouldn't be here. Or maybe if I had ignored Alfie, that would have helped. After all, he was the one who threw the first punch directly at me.
The words flowed smoothly out of Dan's inky biro onto the lined paper in front of him. He had this all planned in his head as he wrote it down and by looking to his left, he could see Alfie was the same, his messy handwriting filling the paper he was given at a rapid pace.
The truth is, I honestly think my own opinions are the most important thing to consider here. And not just my opinions on what only I did think I did wrong, but what I think everyone did wrong. On a personal level, I feel isolation was a rather extreme option to give us. But on the other hand, I feel it is appropriate ... for the sake ofAlfie anyway. I guess the only thing I can blame myself about is actually being involved in the attack all those six months ago. I mean if I hadn't been attacked, I probably would never have been targeted by Alfie in the first place. But things happen, like this did. I could go into more detail about why I feel this but that requires me to write down what happened at the attack and I'd rather not remember what happened as I carry on repressing the memories. The memories are still fresh like all the wounds I have littering my body now because of Alfie. I honestly believe it is pathetic how Alfie is using me as a mean to get private information off me to use in his 'buisness project'. It's not fair, nor right. So why is everyone making me feel like it is entirely my fault? Is it really that fun to make someone feel so much like shit, the victim wants to curl up in a small ball and have someone, anyone, to comfort them even thought that someone doesn't even exist? And before you tell me they do exist, then if they did, why haven't he/she come to help me out yet? I wouldn't know how 'fun' it would be however, since I've never once had the urge to sink so far and forget everything like pity and kindness. Why are you, the teacher reading this, being so harsh on me? If a student asked you for your address so they could send you a piece of late homework, would you? If a student asked for your mobile number so they're guardian or career can apologies to you on behalf of there child, would you? No, you wouldn't. Because that is your private information. And the attack which I encountered is a bit like your address and phone number, private. And that's what Alfie wants off me. So I ask you again. Who really is in the wrong?
Satisfied with his work, Dan got up and put his work on the desk in front of the teacher. She gave a glance at Dan, "You have 20 minutes. Go have your lunch and be back at twenty past one. If you're not, I will keep you after school and I don't think you want that do you Howell?"
With a nod of his head, Dan managed to be let out of the classroom which he swore had felt like it had been closing in on him. He made his way to the canteen and since the shutters were closed making sure no one could go buy food, Dan used the 50p he so happened to have left in his pocket from the other day, and used it to buy a creamy hot chocolate with extra sugar from the hot drinks machine.
He sat at one of the empty benches and let a breathe out into the cup to cool it down before taking a sip from the froth which had formed at the top of the drink before getting his phone out and exploring all his social medias. He had been texting Phil earlier and was nervous when he had called him Philly, but since Phil hadn't said anything against it, Dan decided to keep the name.
Dan 💀 how's art for ya Philly?
Dan knew Phil's schedule like how Phil knew his: off by heart. It was something Dan hadn't intended to do... but somehow did happen. He also knew Phil sat in art; on the middle table by the paint pots next to PJ and directly opposite Emily, a girl who was a part of another group.
Phil 🦁 It's good, yeah. Just finishing painting my picture of a fruit bowl.
Dan 💀 sounds v fun
Phil 🦁 ~1 attached photo~
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(the photo is at the top if you can't see it - creds to whoever did paint it - its awesome)
Dan 💀 fuck thats amazing
Phil 🦁 Thanks but PJ's is a lot better.
Dan 💀 oh well, i like urs the best
Phil 🦁 You don't even know what PJ's looks like!!
Dan 💀 no but tbh, i'd just make me feel bad for being so shit at art myself
With another sigh, Dan closed his phone and put it face down onto the table so if Phil did happen to text him again, he wouldn't get distracted by it.
What was he doing? He was like some sort of dog trying to catch its own tail; going round and round in the same circle trying to catch the one thing it was determined on. And in Dan's case, it was a endless loop of trying to get Phil's attention on him and him only.
It obviously wasn't going to work, so why did he carry on?
Because, like those dogs, Dan was clueless and not caring how much heartbreak it would cause him in the end, Dan was determined to get his goal, no matter how long he would have to wait.
