Alysia.
I looked around the silent room at my family who all looked at me through widened eyes and my heart began to race. I stared into the face of my husband who had tears spilling from him eyes and I knew he might break down after what I told him. I had just gotten him back, how did I get to the point where I would lose him again? Why was this year so trying for me?
I twiddled my fingers and took a deep breath. "Just promise that you will let me finish before getting upset. It sounds bad, but it really wasn't-" I said but Jermaine stepped closer to me and I watched him clench his jaw.
"What. Did. You. Do?" He asked through gritted teeth and I looked down.
"I was really depressed and really going through it. You guys all know that." I admitted. "And I was so nervous to talk to mom- Ms. Tauni about everything because of how badly I had hurt her son, but she was always so easy to talk to." I began and Trey took a seat in one of the dining room chairs as the room grew more somber at the thought of her. I watched Megan rub his back lovingly and knew that I wouldn't be able to console my husband that way.
He was standing so close to me and I was growing more and more nervous.
"When I lost you and the baby all at once I just didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't want to live. I really wanted to kill myself." I admitted and watched Megan's eyes soften while Trey and his brother continued to look at me simply waiting for me to get to the part where I had something to do with their mother's untimely passing.
"I wanted to kill myself." I said again as tears fell from my eyes like I was realizing for the first time how low of a point I had hit. "I tried. Well, I almost tried. As soon as I opened the pill bottle, my phone began to ring and it was mama." I said wiping my eyes. "She said she just wanted to talk because she knew Jermaine and I were having problems and she wanted me to know that it would be okay and work itself out in due time because we were meant to be together and she had never seen you love anyone as much as you love me." I said. "She asked me to come over so I did. And even though I felt a relief that she supported me and didn't hate me, it didn't take away the temporary hurt I was feeling. I was severely depressed and had post-partum out of this world. I still needed something to take my mind off of everything and liquor wasn't doing it for me anymore." I admitted and Jermaine slowly backed up seeming to know where I was going with my story.
"I shouldn't have asked her where I could go. I really shouldn't have. I should've known better than to even open that can of worms for her, but I did because I just wanted to feel better and not think about how fucked up I was that I didn't think about her. I thought that she would be okay because she was clean for so long." I cried looking at the three of them hoping that could see that I didn't mean to force her hand back into a world of instruction. "She made a few calls and we ended up finding someone and when we got to this house, her eyes lit up. I just wanted to feel better. I didn't even realize that after I had gotten what I needed she had gotten some too, but she told me that she was just getting it so that she could show me how to do it right. I believed her. I thought that it would be a one time thing for us. We did it together and it was like a mother in law daughter bonding moment. I knew I didn't want to do it again, so I just thought maybe she wouldn't either. I thought she was in a place where she could do it once and be okay. I just thought-" I tried to finish, but Trey stood, wiping his face and walked through the front door slamming it behind him.
"Jay. Baby, I really didn't-" I said but he cut me off.
"I spent the last two days blaming myself for my mother's death. Telling myself that I was too hard on her. Kicking myself on the inside for not being the mama's boy I always teased my little brother for being. I did everything in my power to keep from crying and breaking down because I felt like I didn't earn that right because I was a horrible son." He cried and backed away roughly when I made an attempt to grab him. "But it was you. It was all your fault because you're a selfish bitch who can't handle when you fuck your own life up. You have to fuck up everyone else's life up too. I should've told my mom to stay away from you because I didn't want you anymore, but she knew I did. I should've never taken you back and forgiven you for how bad you hurt me. Then my mom would be here. I'd rather you be dead to me and her be dead literally."
