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alexithymia is defined as a personality construct characterized by the sub-clinical inability to identify and describe emotions in the self. the core characteristics of alexithymia are marked dysfunction in emotional awareness, social attachment, and interpersonal relating.
CONTAINS *SLIGHT* MENTIONS OF SMUT.
C H A P T E R F O U R T E E N. ---
....in that moment the arms squeezed a fraction tighter and they both breathe slower, dans body melting into his 'friend's' as every muscle lost its tension to the spring air. this was life, real life.
phils p.o.v "and here is my palace.." dan said biting his lip as he opens the door to his small apartment. the paint was weathered and peeling off in spots, and the slats in the shutters on the upstairs windows were mostly broken out. a slight breeze made the shutters tap against the hose and the hinges squeaked. the sun low in the sky, illuminated the upstairs rooms making the two windows facing him look like dime red eyes, and the door below a gaping maw. not the best quality, but very aesthetically pleasing to look at. he could see inside the front door into the house which was littered with debris and past that a broke banister beside a stairway the led upstairs. he could hear a low moaning sound, perhaps nothing more than the wind blowing through an open window. "yeah.. not the best." he turned red from embarrassment. phil admits to himself, it wasn't as luxurious as his own house, but at least it had a story. it was the way it was for a reason. "it's actually not that bad." dan giggled, sarcastically phil felt his heart flutter. how could someone be so perfect? "sorry about the mess.. do you want a drink?" dan offers, leaving him alone in the open living room. there was a wooden floor, covered in dust, and a creased leather sofa. leading out of the room was two door ways; one which dan walked through which phil assumed was the kitchen, and another which you could guess was leading to the other bedrooms of the house. he slowly follows dan in, and the youngest leans against a counter top. "i-i haven't got anything to eat or d-drink. is water o-ok?" phil smiled. it seemed nice and relaxing, living a simple life. no one expected you to get married to someone (who only likes you for the money) as soon as possible, no standards, just living life as it went along. "nice living room," phil adds. "yeah, that's the windowsill i sit on. it's calming." the shorter boy bites his lip. "why would you do that?" "s-some time i'd like to jump out." he sighs. "that was the plan, anyway." quickly, phil walks over closer to dan, and he can see a tear form in his life-full eyes. "do you promise, you'll never, ever, think about doing that again?" he swallows the lump in his throat.
dans p.o.v there was no way. he simply couldn't make that promise a promise. not at all; as much as his life was taking a turn for the best, dan knew very well the road wouldn't go on forever. "i promise."
heart breaking.
phils p.o.v (sorry i just needed to add the above) dan handed phil a glass of clear water, and he placed it on a table, where, supposedly dan ate. ...when he did eat. "want to go to my room? w-we can talk or something. there's not that much to do." he sighed. "it's warmer in there though." the room contained a small bed, neatly made, two straight-backed chairs, a washstand, a bureau-without any mirror-and a small table. there were no drapery curtains at the dormer windows, no pictures on the wall. all day the sun had been pouring down upon the roof, and the little room was like an oven for heat. as there were no screens, the windows had not been raised. a big fly was buzzing angrily at one of them now, up and down, up and down, trying to get out. cramped, dim and cave like, a cheap spindly pine framed bed was cut shorter to fit into the room with a narrow strip of carpet graying with a few unwashed and used tshirts placed to its left. to the right of the bed was a meanly proportioned window layered in aging mould and dust, covered by twenty something year old net curtains swaying mysteriously in the shadows. daws were overflowing with moth eaten clothes and shirts. dirt encrusted beige wallpaper was peeling of the wall near the dented floorboards. from the view of the bedroom window, which the bed was pressed up against, and from where dan would lay, he had a perfect view of the sun dipping behind the crest of the tall slender buildings, sky awash and ablaze with colors found at the heart of a fire, he watched how living the sky was, how mutable and changing. and using only colour balance to boost natures natural colours, phil was mentally able to highlight the stunning beauty of the sunsets. phil liked to capture the wonders of nature and the sheer beauty the world present us. "i like your room;" "y-yeah, outstanding." dan sarcastically grins. "sit next to me." he sings holding out the "e". it was weird, because dans personality, in phils opinion, sometimes "altered" or he began to have different identities or personality. each 'personality' has his own postures, gestures, and distinct way of talking and personality in general. as each personality reveals itself and controls dans behavior and thoughts, it's like 'switching.' "i love you so much, dan." dan looks into phils eyes until closing his eyes the very last second, and tilting his head to the right, gently grazes his lips with his own (his own being phil) phil purses his lips, returning the kiss. dans lips are moist and soft and slide a little sending chills coursing through phil. both dan and phil open their mouths and tentatively explore each other's tongue. dan grips phil tightly and pulls him closer to his body. despite his initial misgivings, phil is enjoying this. their breathing gets heavy and phil wraps his arms around dan to steady himself as his knees get weak. without hesitation, he slowly pushes himself on top of dan slowly pulling off his shirt. the other did the same, soon they both threw the wet shirts on the floor, now both topless. the kiss broke as phil looked down to slowly unzip dans black jeans, and dan did the same. he teased tentatively as he traced his tongue across dans bottom lip, and gave off a loud moan as phil slowly moved down dans neck, leaving light marks as he moved to his chest. he starts to moan phils name as he tangles his fingers in his hair, but still seeming to want to be gentle enough for it not to hurt. then the raven haired decides to grind softly up against the other, they both give off a moan, dan being the loudest. "m-moan as loud as you want, no one can hear us here" after two or three more thrusts phil moves his head back up to dans neck, connecting his lips to a soft delicate area, sucking for a few seconds, before moving to another spot. he wanted to show dan how much he loves him, and along with that, that phil was dans. not that he owned dan. but dan was his. oh, how perfect can this night be? perfect sunset with his perfect person. but when it all comes to an end, phil notices:
