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numinous ˈnjuːmɪnəs/ adjective having a strong religious or spiritual quality; indicating or suggesting the presence of a divinity.
C H A P T E R F I F T E E N. ---
dans p.o.v. he couldn't remember when or how he first fell in love with phil. not the day, whether it being the first or last time they saw each other: but he first knew he was in love when he held hands with phil, and noticed not how great it felt, but how painful it was to let go. and it felt like whenever he touched dans skin, he could feel the fingerprints like on clay being left in his skin. still, late at night, still thinking about the feeling of the boys skin on his own. it wasn't phils incredible looks dan was attracted to, he wasn't that kind of guy, in this case, anyway. he was attracted to his ideas and the way the thought. without thinking, almost everybody does that. not by lust, but through books, films, clothes, music, or something a person has created, people fall in love with new things everyday. and by loving the product, you've fallen in love with the creators mind. not their looks, history, or wealth, their mind. the way their mind and thoughts work. and that's exactly what he felt. and unlike some people, but by being with phil dan noticed something he'd never noticed before. there, is actually a big difference between love and in love. they say that when you fall in love with someone, you feel euphoria and weak in the knees. supposedly, "you just know." it's something over which you have no control. but, other people tell you that to love someone is a "choice," something you can and do control. as the more you think about it, the more you come to realize that people are not telling you about the same force, but rather, about two completely different forces: being in love and loving. ...the biggest difference? one can exist without the other, while one of them cannot. to love is to choose to love. we love our parents because they go to the ends of the earth for us. we love our friends because we can confide everything in them. we love our boyfriends because they are there for us. but, how do we know if we were in love with our boyfriends? to love a man is to share all of your thoughts with him; to be in love with a man is to share all of your thoughts with him, and when you're not with him, to see him in every place you go, think of him with every person you meet and feel him in every scent you smell. although this may be pretty heteronormative if you're a female as we are only mentioning masculine pronouns, but, we're talking about dan thinking about phil. to love a man is to feel warmer in his embrace; to be in love with a man is to feel warmer in his embrace and subsequently desire to please him any chance you get because you have just as much a fervor to physically express yourself with him as you do emotionally. you can be in love with a man, and loving him will automatically come with the package, but you don't have to necessarily be in love with a man in order to love him. same goes with whatever gender or gender expression you fall in love with. love is love, love who you want. it is dans belief that we, as humans, each have unique thresholds for what we believe being "in love" means. we should abide by our personal thresholds and put faith in them. this threshold varies from person to person based on how much more intensely one is able to fall for someone, above how intensely another can fall for someone else. well, when you love someone, it is pretty effortless. it is true and pure - you don't need them to be any certain way. heck, you don't even need them to be your boyfriend or lover. you just simply enjoy them as a person and you're happy with them just being who they are. you don't need to possess them. you don't need a title from them. you just love having them in your life and they love being in yours, whether it's as friends, as lovers, or as life partners. again, it's effortless and characterized by you just simply enjoying each other. you really "get" each other. you laugh together. you don't need them, but rather, you just enjoy them. that's love. that's compatibility. when you're fixated on someone, it feels more like you're suffocating. it feels like you need them... like you must have them treat you a certain way, give you a certain relationship title, or somehow prove their commitment to you. you feel like until you have this, you are not ok and will not be ok. that's not love. it's an obsession. and that's not what dan felt. that's what he -and many people think- thought love was before he truly fell in love with phil. love doesn't suffocate you, it takes your breath away. if a relationship feels like suffocation, that's a huge clue that you're not in a relationship with someone who's compatible with you. love is not meant to be a struggle. yes, popular songs it sound like it's supposed to be. yes, movies make it seem like it's supposed to be that, too. but movies and music are wrong, love is meant to be effortless and easy. a relationship is not a possession, like a stone or a purse or a car. a relationship is not a thing at all. a relationship is simply the interaction you're having with that person as it's happening and the general, overall tone of your interactions. a relationship simply is just a label, really. but, society doesn't see relationships this way, for the most part. our society tries to make relationships into a thing - a thing that can be worked on, fixed or broken. lost or gained. had or not had. relationships are living and experienced in-the-moment, like music. a song is a song as it's playing. if it's sitting on your mp3 player and you're not playing it, then it is simply data. you can say you have the song or own it, but saying you have a song on your ipod has nothing to do with your experience of the song as it's playing. i don't care if you have a million songs on your ipod. if you're not listening to the music, you're not experiencing music. yes, i realize i'm speaking in metaphors, so let me tie this up: i don't care if you have a relationship. i don't care if you have a title like "boyfriend" or "husband" for your guy. the title is not the relationship. your having of them is not your relationship - it is simply a thought in your head, completely irrelevant to the on-going music of your relationship. so if the "music" of your relationship is a bitter, hateful ballad of pain and inner suffering... you need to change your tune, so to speak.
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dan turns his head to look beside him. there in front of him is a shirtless, pale phil asleep. the lines of care and toil had smoothed and virtually disappeared, the crows feet round his eyes now but a memory. eyelids closed against the dim light of dawn and his breathing deep and relaxed, all the muscles in his face and body were totally at peace, like a baby in its' first throes of slumber. not a twitch, not a spasm, barely any movement of his chest rising and falling with each intake of air such was the depth of his oblivion. his was a body totally at peace, at rest, at one with itself, rejuvenating the mind and muscles before the onset of yet another day of turmoil. no emotion, time stands still as the young mind blocks out the horror and pain lived out each and everyday. his eyes, slowly flicker open, and their eyes meet. for a few moments they were just comply silent; at ease. relaxed. not a worry in the world right now. "good morning daniel." he raises his pale arms to rub his eyes. dan smiles, this was an amazing feeling. and quite honestly, he'd never felt this way before. he was just in pure comfort; a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint. "good morning, beautiful" dan croaks, his throat was still dry from just waking up. if they weren't covered by a white thin fabric sheets, well, let's just say they wouldn't even be in the room. the air around them felt frozen, and if they had to guess, the outside was probably now covered in a blanket of snow. nevertheless, saying that, they and both we know they weren't getting out of bed to check. the blanket was like a shield right now, and the only barrier between them and the winter air dancing around them. "how was your sleep?" he softly smiles. "it was ok;" dan beings "i woke up six or seven times but nothing too bad happened." phil sighs. "i'm sorry-" "-no don't be." dan defends himself. "don't you dare. it's not your fault. actually, if you weren't here it would've been much worse." quiet again. "dan?" "yeah?" "s-so what do we do now?"
