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soporific ˌsɒpəˈrɪfɪk/ adjective 1. tending to induce drowsiness or sleep. "the motion of the train had a somewhat soporific effect" noun 1. a drug or other substance that induces drowsiness or sleep. synonyms: sleeping pill, sleeping potion, sedative, calmative, tranquillizer, narcotic, opiate; hypnotic "she was given a soporific"
CONTAINS SEXUAL ABUSE.
C H A P T E R T H I R T E E N. ---
you see, everybody. everything seems prefect right now. sorry for stopping your story. but what after passed as just a random, frankly convincingly bad timed for phils parents to walk in, what was it they needed to say? you see, it doesn't matter. what matters is, how will it influence on the future? how will phil feel about it? honestly, did they even need to speak to him about something serious anyway? the marvelous thing is that for thousands of years people have continued questioning and searching and ultimately concluding that reasons for certain occurrences are not given to us to know. does everything happen for a reason? fate? it seems dan and phil met through fate. meeting someone and falling in love with them is cliché. how they meet never is. everyone's got a different story. whether it's how they physically met, emotionally felt, or how long it took. everyone experiences love differently. especially dan. and this is where a lot of people forget not everything is a happy ending. and he is constantly being reminded that he's just young, you can't be expected to just fall in love at such a young age and.. voila! you've found your partner for life! -no one does that.- it very very rarely works that way. its not cliché enough, it never happens. but, why not? do people somehow change so much you can just 'unlove' or change your mind about them? were you ever in love? it is an experience that almost everyone goes through, and at the time the feelings are so intense that you truly believe that it will last forever. there is no specific reason why first love is so powerful, because it's an accumulation of small details that make it momentous. it's filled with intense and passionate emotions that you think will last forever, which may be the reason why everyone says first love is hard to forget. the second you fall in love for the first time, you suddenly realize the difference between loving someone and liking someone. you notice that having a crush on someone is nothing compared to loving a person unconditionally. getting a sudden surge of emotions that you may have never felt before and being introduced to those feelings for the first time is why first love is so powerful. this wasn't dans first time. nor his first experience; which didn't turn out well. shall i tell you what happened? it all began, a year ago (the fic is based in current time go away)
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after a long warm night of movies, a lot of chocolate and maybe some making out, the pair lay in bed slightly, dan focusing on the others' breathing. ryan slowly pulls dan in for a warm hug. he wrapped an arm around the others shoulders and pulled him close, gently rubbing his arm. despite the heaviness in dan's stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his body pressed against his. he sunk into the warmth of his side, appreciative of the simple gesture. his touch made the room warmer somehow, his future within its walls seeming a little less bleak. "you're just adorable daniel." the taller boy giggles placing his head on dans shoulder. "you know i might be pregnant-" dan quickly looks up, confused. "i'm joking! i'm 100% dude." he laughs. which kind of felt weird to him.
feminist dan: dudes can be pregnant too.
he swallows "i-i know." "dan, please don't stutter. you don't need to." "s-" he breathes in.
inhale exhale
"sorry. we've t-talked about this. i'll try." ryan didn't really understand how anxious dan got, someone being that close to him. after all, dan was feeling all these wired emotions around ryan he didn't understand. and at the same time, his mind would start yelling insults and facts he only began to agree with. "please do try." he kisses the copper haired on the cheek. "thanks baby boy." a flutter formed in dans stomach. he didn't like it. dan looks down. "what are you thinking, sweetie?" he took the opportunity to study ryan's eyes. the first couple days, he'd labeled them 'grey.' if he was feeling particularly poetic, he called them 'silver.' neither word did them justice. they were so solid, so bright, the exact lustrous color of a polished shard of metal. if you looked closer, like he was just then, you'd see the swirls of glittering onyx black and tinges of blue at the edges. they weren't monochrome or boring. that had simply been his terrible judgement. they were beautiful. "i don't know. i'm just doubting myself a-again. it's probably nothing." he sighs "your eyes are like smoke: gray and full of heat." dans own eyes dipped into ryans, his arms only slightly loosening. yet, it was hard to take his bitter tone seriously after what had just happened. quickly, ryan leans in and connects their lips gently. wait, what was happing? he is a lot bigger than dan and he threatens all horrible things he will do if dan screams. so he stays quiet, and ryan pushes him down, and dan keeping his hands so tight around his body he think that it will leave at lest a slight mark. he grabs the smallest hands away and squeezes them, looking into his eyes, letting him know, he's not going to allow any taking, arguing or fighting back. he pulls his pants and underwear down so roughly and the dan can't stop crying, he doesn't dare be loud, ryan spreds dans legs apart. he can't stop crying, his mind is racing, he's so terrified, so sad so alone so messed up. he jams himself into him and he squeals of pain. he smacks, chokes, tells him to be quiet and 'man up' or else, he continues to thrust, he keeps his eyes closed and pretends he's playing with his dog, and not being in any horrible situation like this. anything to get his mind off of how terrible what he's going though is pointless. later that week dan still hadn't moved from bed. neither had he seen ryan. ok, there was once or twice he would come over and rant to dan about how lazy and awkward he was being just laying in bed doing nothing. "who the hell do you think you are?" "pathetic!" "not even worth the effort!" while not everyone's experience with this kind of feeling is the same, when people have the mind, emotions and thoughts like this, generally the world looks, feels, and is understood completely differently than to the normal human being. for this time, to dan, the world felt literally like a dark place. what was beautiful looked uglier, flatter, or even sinister. he started to believe loved ones, even his own mother, father and boyfriend, are better off without him. nothing seems comforting, pleasurable, or worth living for. feeling there's no apparent hope for things ever feeling better, and history is rewritten and experienced as confirmation that everything has always been miserable, and always will be.
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your mind plays tricks on you, changes your view on the past. along with the voices in dans head, a lot of events that took place in his past were replaced with a miserable atmosphere. and with all respect, he was bullied and abused by his mother, but he stayed alive through hope. it will get better. in his mind he knew everything happened for a reason, but he wanted to know what it was. what was the reason? curiosity. you've always felt this way eventually, yes, after some physical and verbal fights, dan moved away. one of the saddest ways to end a relationship is when you still love them. it sounds bizarre but it happens, but the truth is, as powerful and as thrilling being in love can be, it doesn't necessarily mean you're happy. you can still love someone even after they really hurt you, but you, yourself will never be the same again. but sometimes it's not the butterflies that tell you you're in love, it's the pain.
