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desolation dɛsəˈleɪʃ(ə)n/ noun 1. a state of complete emptiness or destruction. synonyms: barrenness, bleakness, starkness, bareness, dismalness, grimness, etc. 2. great unhappiness or loneliness. synonyms: misery, sadness, unhappiness, melancholy, gloom, gloominess, glumness, despondency, sorrow, depression, grief, mournfulness, woe, etc.
C H A P T E R S I X T E E N. ---
dans p.o.v real life. real mind. and honestly, dans life was better than ever. emotionally. sadness is a normal human emotion. -we've all experienced it and we all will again. sadness is usually triggered by a difficult, hurtful, challenging, or disappointing event, experience, or situation. in other words, we tend to feel sad about something. this also means that when that something changes, when our emotional hurt fades, when we've adjusted or gotten over the loss or disappointment, our sadness remits. depression is an abnormal emotional state, a mental illness that affects our thinking, emotions, perceptions, and behaviors in pervasive and chronic ways. when you're depressed you feel sad about everything. depression does not necessarily require a difficult event or situation, a loss, or a change of circumstance as a trigger. in fact, it often occurs in the absence of any such triggers. people's lives on paper might be totally fine- they would even admit this is true- and yet they still feel horrible. i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. he repeats the lie in his head over and over again. his eyes drip with tears. his walls, the walls that hold him up, make him strong just... collapse. moment by moment, they fall. salty drops fall from his chin, drenching his shirt. perhaps these tears will help wash the blood out. he presses his head against the wall... fading dun white... so innocent... i am anything but innocent... he's trembling. he can't-can't stop. even as he presses his hand against the wall it shakes, it trembles. it's raw, everything, raw tears, raw emotions. he can't stop... he can't stop. why can i not stop crying? his crying was both ferocious and noisy. he blinked briny tears from bloodshot eyes, his thick lashes stuck together in clumps as if he'd been swimming. the tears made wet tracks down his face and dripped from his stubbled, wobbling chin. clear watery snot streaked from his flaring nostrils down his red mottled skin to his open quivering lips. his hands open and closed, rhythmically clenching as if there could be some violent solution to his pain if only he could find it. for the mind of dan, it's difficult to remember or believe what seemed normal before that day. what he believes right there right then seems absolutely real, and anything that conflicts with it is as unbelievable as a memory or message telling him that the sky is purple. for example, he is just unable to feel love for a spouse, and someone, phil or his father for example, reminds him that he used to feel that love, dan just firmly believed he had been pretending to himself and others -though at the time, he really felt love. we both know that. that's all this is about. but he can't remember feeling the love, and can't feel it during right now, and thus concludes he never felt it. the same process happens with happiness and pleasure. attempts to tell himself that he used to be happy, and will feel happy again, just causes him to feel more misunderstood and isolated because he is just purely cnvinced it's not true. what was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable; what felt joyful feels pleasureless. even if nothing was wrong before today, which there was, like nightmares and voices in his head, everything seems wrong when it descends. suddenly, no one seems loving or lovable. everything is irritating. work is boring and unbearable. any activity takes many times more effort, as if every movement requires displacing quicksand to make it. what was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable; what felt joyful feels pleasureless-or, at best, a fleeting drop of pleasure in an ocean of pain. there is terrible shame about the actions of this dictates, such as not accomplishing anything or snapping at people. everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. anything that had given dan a sense of value or self-esteem vanishes. these assets or accomplishments no longer matter, no longer seem genuine, or are overshadowed by negative self-images. anything that ever caused him to feel shame, guilt, or regret grows to take up most of his or her psychic space. that and being in this state causes him to just feel irredeemably unlovable, and sure everyone has abandoned or will abandon him. simply, he didn't feel too good. heck, far from it. it hadn't even been a week since he last saw phil, either. not even a week since his world was as perfect as ever. no abusive mother, no bullies, no fake partners, no ryan. dan was wise. you know, he'd been though a lot. not the most creative, sportiest, musical or clever person. but he built up his lack of education with wisdom that, frankly no one his age should morally have. he saw the world differently. he knew this wasn't going to last forever. it was absolutely smitten to happen. that's why he couldn't make that promise.
