18 Letters to You [Completed]

NINE

Stella

We arrived back to Perry and Rory's apartment after meeting with lawyers, managers, and everyone else involved just for me to sign a couple of papers. I continuously told Rory and Perry that I didn't need royalties or anything else, I just wanted to help them but they wouldn't have any of that. They told me to stay quiet in the meeting and sign the papers after everything was negotiated. I did just that.

I will now be making a decent amount of money whenever a song I wrote is played on the radio or they choose to record another song I wrote. It's not a bad deal considering I now have to pay for everything on my own since Rory moved out.

The three of us are sitting on their couch and eating junk when Perry says, "so everything's good?"

I look at him and actually laugh and I'm not sure why that is the sound that came out of my mouth. I guess Rory is just as shocked because he is staring at me with his pretty blue eyes.

"No," I say all the humor vanishing as quickly as it appeared.

"Sorry, I just thought since you were here," Perry explains.

"Dude," Rory shakes his head.

"I'm leaving first thing in the morning. Or as soon as I can get a flight. I should have booked a flight already," I say scrolling through my phone.

I can feel both of them watching me. I wish they would both stop watching me.

"Stella, you could stay. We have the room," Perry says.

"There are two bedrooms in this apartment, Perry," I say.

I will not look at Rory because I know that he can break me apart right now and I can't let that happen.

"Can't you stay a little longer?" Rory asks and his voice forces me to look at him. It's like we are attached. An invisible string connects us to each other and it is impossible to cut.

I shake my head.

"We haven't worked anything out," he is speaking softly. Rory only liked to argue if he knew he could win and this is a battle he knows he could very easily lose so he isn't fighting. He is rationalizing, he is trying to reason with me, he is trying to negotiate his win. I can't let that happen.

I feel trapped all of a sudden. This burst of anger wells up in my chest and it wants to break free.

"I don't know what there is to work out," I say.

Rory's eyes widen, "Stella," he says.

"I can't do this, Rory. I just need space and you aren't understanding that."

"I want to talk about all of this first and then take all the time you need," he says still in that same calm tone.

"God, Rory, you act like we were this perfect couple and we weren't. We aren't. I can't breath without you, do you know how terrifying that is?"

He nods and begins to speak but I hold up my hand. I'm talking or yelling and I'm not stopping until I'm finished.

"We work because we don't know anything else. We make each other feel safe but is that really a relationship? Because neither of us have ever felt safe and we latched on to the first person that made us feel anything. You took away the numbness and I don't know if that's love or not, Rory. And I don't know if you love me or not. I don't know anything. We are convenience."

"You can't say that. I left, I stopped talking to you, and I still want you and need you," his voice is finally raising in volume. He is finally angry.

Perry gets up mutters something I can't understand before leaving the apartment.

We are both standing now, he takes a step towards me, "you can't say that," he repeats, "if we weren't supposed to be together it wouldn't hurt this bad."

I shake my head trying to hold back the tears that desperately want to fall, "you try to keep me here with your pretty words but it can't work this time."

"Why not?"

"Because I think that we need to stop running around each other trying to make things work because we're scared of a life without each other."

"I know I hurt you when I left. It was a mistake but you can't still be mad about that," Rory is even closer now. I can feel his breath and I can't help but take his hand in mine, "why are you pushing me away?" he whispers.

I kiss him because it is so much easier than words at this moment. He taste like beer and salty tears and he is so so familiar. I pull him closer he wraps his arms tightly around my waist. He is walking me towards his bedroom without removing his lips from mine and I'm letting him because I can't remember how to form words.

Before I know it we are on his bed and he is on top of me, his lips are still on mine when he says, "stay, please stay."

I push him off of me, pull my knees to my chest, allow my tears to fall freely from my eyes and say the thing I've been too scared to say for months, "I'm pregnant."