18 Letters to You [Completed]

THIRTEEN

Stella

We are back in the studio. A small cramped space with too many instruments and microphones on one side and more buttons than I can count on the other side. Thick glass separates me from Rory and Perry.

I'm sitting on the black leather couch watching them figure out chords, notes, different ways to sing the lyrics that I wrote. It's incredible watching my words come to life as more than just playing around in Rory and I's tiny apartment.

"Do you play any instruments?" AJ, the producer of this record asks taking a seat next to me. Mr. Newman the guy's manager looks at his from the corner of his eye.

I nod, "yeah, piano, violin, and some guitar."

AJ's face lights up like a kid whose birthday wish just came true, "do you sing?"

"No," I laugh.

He looks at me his head tilting sideways like a confused puppy. I'm not sure what he is trying to find but his staring is making me uncomfortable. I find Rory. His eyes lock with mine and he gives me a half smile. I nod knowing he is asking if I'm okay.

"I don't believe you about the singing thing," AJ says mostly to himself it seems.

"Mr. Newman, may I speak to you?" he says winking at me then following him out the door.

Rory immediately walks out of the sound booth, "everyone okay?" he asks.

"Yeah, I think," I say shrugging because I'm not completely sure what just happened.

Rory takes his phone out to look to look at the time then sighs, "we're going to be late if they don't get back in here."

I roll my eyes, "we won't be late. The appointment isn't for another three hours. We don't have to be there early."

Perry laughs, "doctors always make people wait. Get there exactly on time or a few minutes late."

"He's right," I say.

Rory ignores Perry, "you haven't been to the doctor at all, it's freaking me out."

"Everything's fine," I mumble looking away from him. I regret telling him that I've been too scared to go see a doctor on my own. As soon as I said that he was researching and finding a doctor who could see me as soon as possible.

Before Rory can respond Mr. Newman and AJ are making their way back into the studio. AJ is smiling so widely I wonder if his cheeks are beginning to hurt. It also makes me wonder the last time I smiled like that.

"Stella, we want you to be in the band," AJ says bouncing up and down.

"No," I say.

"Doing what?" Perry asks.

"Playing violin," AJ answers, "it's perfect. The lyrics are perfect, the way your voices mesh together is perfect, but the actual music is flat. We need her."

"Stella?" Rory asks. He grabs my hand in his, he is searching for my answer in my silence but I don't have one.

"If I say no?" I ask.

"We find someone else," AJ says, "but you're perfect."

"I'm pregnant," I say.

AJ's eyes widen and Mr. Newman coughs on the water he had just started drinking.

Perry starts laughing and Rory is punching Perry in the shoulder telling him to shut up.

"So?" AJ asks confused.

"I can't be pregnant in a band," I answer.

"Why not?" he asks.

I shrug because I don't know why not.

"Isn't Rory the father?" Mr. Newman asks in a tone that isn't rude, just curious.

"Yes," I say.

"Then I don't see the problem with you being in the band," AJ is talking and pacing the small space in front of us, "we might have to push a tour back but we would have had to do that anyway since Rory isn't going to want to leave the kid right away, right?"

"Right," Rory answers he is still looking at me, his forehead wrinkled in confusion.

Mr. Newman is already reading through emails, "we could probably send them on a small radio tour before the baby, put the record out, then send them out as an opener on a tour in the Fall."

"So," AJ says stopping right in front of me, "will you please be in the band?"

Perry and Rory are waiting for my answer and I don't know how to say no to them but I don't know if they want me to say yes either.

"Guys?" I ask.

"Say yes," Perry says a smile appearing on his face.

Rory is smiling too, "isn't this what we've always wanted?"

"Okay, yes," I say.

***

I'm exhausted by the time we make it to the doctor. We had to rework every song to fit in a violin part that didn't sound too forced or out of place. We only recorded the music to one track before we called it a day and headed here.

Rory's knuckles are white on the steering wheel as he pulls into the lot, "you okay?" he asks for about the hundredth time today.

"Are you okay?" I ask instead of answering him.

"Yup."

We walk hand in hand into the office. I fill out form after form and we wait, just like Perry said we would.

When they finally call our name I'm so nervous I feel like I could throw up. I know I'm pregnant. I saw the little plus sign on the stick, I saw the puke in the toilet every morning for the last few weeks, but hearing a doctor say it is almost too much.

Rory is quiet as we wait for the doctor to come into the room. I almost want to ask him to leave. I'm so uncomfortable and I feel itchy everywhere. I want to crawl out of my skin and run away.

"Hi there, I'm Dr. Cutrone," She is blonde and so young I want to ask what her qualifications are before she starts doing anything but I can't open my mouth.

She is talking and I know I'm answering questions but I can't seem to remember what they are because all I can focus on is the cold jelly she put on my stomach and the gray picture moving not the screen.

"You see?" she asks.

"You're about four months already," she says looking and making notes, "everything looks great."

"Four months," I say absentmindedly, "so adoption or keeping it."

"Stella," Rory says breaking me out of my trance, "I thought we decided."

"We haven't decided anything," I say. I know the doctor is uncomfortable because she is removing the device from my stomach and handing me a paper towel to wipe off the goo.

"Yes. I can give you pamphlets on some adoption centers near us," she says not making eye contact with either of us.

"Thanks," I say at the same time Rory says, "no."

We look at each other and I can see the hurt written all over his face.

"Wait," I say right before Dr. Cutrone turns to leave the room.

She turns back around with a tight lipped smile, "yes?"

"What is it?" I ask. I'm desperate to know, "girl or boy? What is it?" I ask again my eyes filling with unwanted tears.

She looks at Rory quickly then says, "girl. You're having a girl."