18 Letters to You [Completed]

FOURTEEN

Stella

Rory is out of the apartment by the time I wake up Saturday morning. I roll out of bed and head to the kitchen to find Perry. When he sees me he takes out two bowls, Lucky Charms, and milk. We make our cereal silently because we are both not morning people.

"Where's Rory?" I ask after my first bite.

Perry glances at the clock then back to me, "probably on a run."

"A run?" I ask and almost cough up the cereal that I'm trying to swallow.

Perry smirks, "he started running when all that shit went down between you two. He says it clears his mind."

I start laughing, "why didn't he just try yoga?"

"I said the same thing!" Perry says.

We are both laughing and it feels so normal. The two of us against Rory. Rory has always been the leader of our little group. He's always been a realistic dreamer. He's the one we both go to when things get tough, he is the one that has to break the bad news. Everything falls on Rory's shoulders in our little group.

"Stella," Perry says his voice serious all of a sudden.

I look at him and push my bowl away. My appetite is gone.

"How are you?"

I shake my head, willing the tears to stay put, "I'm okay. I just want Rory to listen to me."

"About adoption?" he asks already knowing the answer.

I nod anyway.

"Why would you want to do that?" he asks.

"How could we raise a baby?" I ask my voice so quiet I wonder if Perry can hear me, "we don't know what it's like to have a family."

"Of course we do. We've been a family since we met. All of us. Me, you, Rory, Caleb, and Violet."

I take a deep breath, "a makeshift family is not what I want for this baby. Look at what happened to Caleb on our watch, Perry."

Perry comes around the table so we are sitting face to face. His eyes are big and sad and I feel like I'm the reason he is feeling anything but his happy, carefree self.

"When Caleb's accident happened Violet was so upset. She locked herself in her room for days," Perry says.

"I didn't know that," I tell him.

"That wasn't important at that time, Stel. You were dealing with a lot you didn't need to worry about Violet on top of all of that. And I know you would have worried about her," he says with this look that I can't decipher.

"I told Violet that we can't change what has already happened and that we can't forget, but we also can't lose ourselves either. I told her that we have to learn from everything that happens to us along the way, even insignificant details of our life can be something to learn from," he says.

"She told me a shorter version of that when she came to see me a couple of weeks ago. That I can't stop living my life because Caleb is living a different version of his life," I say.

Perry smiles, "exactly. Stella, it is the same thing with this baby. Go ahead and be scared that you might make the same mistakes that your parents and grandparents made but just the fact that you're worried about that means that you won't. You care so much about all of us, they never cared. Don't you see? You've already learned from their mistakes."

"You think we already broke the cycle?" I ask.

"I know it," he says.

I don't say anything. I let his words soak in because they sound so nice, like the most beautiful music.

"Stella, you have to do what's best for you and Rory but just know that I think you'll be an awesome mom."

I still can't speak I just give Perry a hug and I think that's enough.

Sometimes silence says more than words ever could.