18 Letters to You [Completed]

TWO

Stella

"It's easy to fall in love.

"It all actually feels like falling. Your stomach bottoms out when you see his name on your phone screen. You feel so much anticipation for the next time you'll see him. The way your hands sort of shake when you think about the first kiss or first time or first anything with him.

"Rory and I didn't fall in love. We just were.

"We knew everything about each other. We knew without ever touching that we'd  fit perfectly together. We understood each other's unspoken words and underlying thoughts.

"We knew. But you know all of this already.

"And I knew he had to go. And I had to stay for you, Caleb. And I guess that's hard for him to understand. But it's never been hard for him to understand before. Rory always just knew.

"Rory expects me to leave you here. Alone. I can't and I won't do that."

I imagine Caleb grips my hand tighter in his. I know he doesn't. He stares at me like is he trying so hard to communicate with me through his silence and his pleading wide eyes. But I can't understand the message. I never can.

His breathing machine is a noise that haunts me in my sleep. The too rhythmic sound. The perfect intervals between cycles. The unnaturalness of it all.

But he's my brother and it's our fault that he's like this.

"Falling out of love, that's the hard stuff. But I'm not there yet. I'm still so in love with Rory. It's pathetic. He's moved out and away and changed the course of his life like we always planned to do together. And I'm not mad. I told him to go. But I wish there was an easier way.

"I keep waiting to figure out the whole falling out of love with him part of this, you know? I don't know if it will ever happen.

"He's so much of my heart and you're so much of my heart and Perry is too that I have no room left for myself. I have to figure out how to take some of my heart back for me."

The only sound in the all white room is Caleb's ventilator keeping him breathing and here with me. He watches me and I watch him because I've said all I can say today.

I stay for a while longer. Every time I visit I wish to hear Caleb's raspy voice telling me everything will be okay. That is it okay to move on. I know that's impossible though.

I hug him goodbye and make my way to our empty apartment. The apartment I still refer to as ours, even though it's been over two months since Rory has stepped foot inside. I sit on the old worn couch without turning any lights on.

I pull out my falling apart spiral notebook and I write a song. A song for Rory.

I hope one day I'll be able to write a song for myself.

***
Thanks for reading/voting/commenting!

-Brooke <3