18 Letters to You [Completed]

TEN

Stella

Friendships fade, promises are broken, hearts are shattered. People lose their ability to walk and talk and breathe. These things happen every day and we learn to live with it. We learn to live with pain while watching another person's happiness. We learn to move on while still dwelling on all the things we wish we could change.

Change only happens when you decide make a move.

That is why I'm sitting on the uncomfortable chair in my apartment beginning the first day of my online classes.

As my screen loads I wonder if we are born whole and slowly lose pieces of ourselves as we age. If every event in our lives has fractured tiny pieces of ourselves off and life is about finding that person that can make you whole again. The person whose fractured remains fit with yours as perfectly as a jigsaw puzzle.

Or maybe Rory is right and we are born with only half a soul and we are always looking for our other half.

I don't know which theory I like better or if I even like either.

It's hard to imagine this little baby inside of me having to deal with emotions and love and life. I already want to protect him or her the best way I can and that means figuring out my life. Figuring out what I'm going to do incase song writing does not create the finances I need to raise a kid.

It's hard to imagine me having to help them navigate through all of these things that I still can't navigate myself.

I begin reading the class syllabus but the words begin the blur on the screen. The only thing I can focus on is this baby growing inside of me and how I can't do it. How I can't be someone's mother.

I open a new tab and begin researching adoption. Before I even realize what I'm truly doing I've already created an account.

Lists of profiles pop up on the screen of potential adoptive parents for my unborn child and just seeing their smiling faces makes my heartbeat return to a normal pace.

I'm at least ten profiles in when someone knocks on the door.

Standing in my doorway holding a pizza box is Perry's sister Violet. She is smiling at me so wide that I can't help but smile back at her.

"Come in," I say opening the door wide. She sets the pizza down that wraps me in a tight hug. We stay like that for what feels like hours, my heart is beating quickly and my palms are starting to sweat.

I haven't seen or talked to Violet since Caleb's accident.

"How are you?" I ask with a shaky voice as we release each other.

She shrugs, "not bad. Schools okay. How are you? How's Caleb?" Her voice is almost a whisper when she says his name.

"He's the same."

She looks everywhere but at me, "I want to visit him while I'm home."

I nod. I want to tell her no because he isn't the same Caleb she remembers from all those years ago. He isn't happy and spontaneous. He isn't the same kid that would spin her around and kiss her right in front of all of us until Perry yelled at him to stop.

I want to keep her memories of him beautiful and pure. I don't want old Caleb to collide with the new one.

But I can't tell her no. I can't keep anyone away.

We are silent. Violet looks around the apartment, her eyes falling to the still opened laptop on the counter. She looks at me, her mouth agape, "you're pregnant?"

Tears rush down my cheeks like a tidal wave. I'm hiccuping like toddlers do when they can't calm down after a tantrum. Violet is rubbing my back, whispering words that I can't understand.

"Does Rory know?"

I nod.

"Is Rory okay with adoption?"

"I don't know," I say pathetically.

"You have to talk to him or at least tell him what you're planning. You don't have to talk to him today or even tomorrow. But you do have to," she says her eyes are serious and they look so much like Perry's. I wish he was here too.

I don't say anything. I just continue hiccuping and snotting all over Violet's shoulder.

She smiles at me and I wish I could find humor in the fact that we have reversed roles. That she is picking me up as I'm falling apart instead of me doing it for her and Caleb.

"We know how much life can suck, Stel," she says, "but you're the strongest person I know. This could be a blessing in disguise or if you do decide on adoption it's just another hurdle you have to cross. You can handle it and so can Rory. We've all made it this far."

And I know she is talking about us all moving past Caleb and how he is here but not. How she lost the love of her life and I lost my brother in minutes.

She leaves a few hours later. After I clean up the kitchen, I start reading my syllabus again but keep the adoption website open.