ill // phan au

e i g h t

isn't it weird how you start to notice so many things about someone when you realize how interesting they are?

phil liked to stick out his tongue from between his teeth when he laughed and it was adorable.

he also tapped his ball a lot when waiting for anything, he also covered his face a lot when I complimented him but also attacked me with hugs.

he only ever puts his ball down when we were alone and I didn't want to point it out but it did make me feel quite happy.

he also liked to kiss my forehead and hold my hand and move his finger in circles at the back of my hand.

he did lose control a lot and I had begun to realize how bad he got when he lost him temper but I didn't leave him anyways. I wouldn't want someone that meant a lot to me to leave me when I lost control.

when he did lose control, he immediately went to hit something, anything. when he was angry, the smallest things could set him off and it was like trying to tame a lion. it was very difficult but I think it's worth it, no matter how angry he got.

he did get quite upset every time he regained control and I had also learned that giving him space in the galaxy hall was something he needed, even if I didn't want to leave his side. everyone needed their space.

"what're you drawing?" chris exclaimed, pulling me out of my thoughts and startling me slightly.

"um, it's just a sketch," I mumbled, attempting to cover it with my hand but chris had already gotten an eyeful and was shaking me.

"I didn't know you could draw! that's amazing!" he shouted, only to get a "sh!" from someone else and I laughed quietly.

I was sitting in the back of the library, waiting for phil to finish his therapy session for the week and chris had found me instead.

"so what're you doing here?" he asked, sitting beside me.

"waiting for phil," I answered and he nodded.

"you know, he's been a lot happier these past two weeks and that's thanks to you." chris said and gave me a small smile.

I smiled back. "I'm glad he seems happier."

"he's been here for more than a year now and this is the first time I've seen him so much more comfortable talking around people, it's nice to see him open up."

"how long have you been here for?" I asked him and he smiled even with pursed lips.

"three years." he said.

I couldn't imagine being stuck here for three years. even now, I would much rather be in my room listening to music loudly but I guess it would seem more dull now that I've met people here that I can relate to and feel more safe around.

"I need to go check up on pj." chris mumbled after a moment of silence and I opened my mouth to speak again but he was already up and walking away.

I sat there for a few minutes only staring at the book shelf across from me and eventually, phil came and sat beside me, a blank expression on his face.

"she wants me to find other ways to cope with my anger and wants me to stop carrying this," phil mumbled and hugged his ball.

"I think you'll figure out ways to cope, you just need time," I told him and he shrugged.

I held out my hand and looked at him. he put his ball down and took my hand, squeezing it softly.

"when we get out of here, I want to explore the world with you, is that weird?" he said quietly.

I shook my head. "no, of course not. I'd love that."

"dan?" he said, his voice much more gentle and quiet.

"phil?"

"I've never talked to someone and felt so calm, I'm kind of scared you'll disappear. you wouldn't leave me without telling me, right?" he asked in a whisper and I was a bit surprised.

phil wasn't very emotional, he mostly expressed with his anger. the only other time I watched him get a bit emotional was when he spoke about his family but that was it.

phil was more of a strong person, he got angry but didn't cry, he would smile and laugh or he was emotionless but sentimental wasn't what he was so hearing him sound scared and looking like he was close to tears did worry me and surprised me.

"I wouldn't leave you, phil." I told him and he shook his head.

"I mean, you wouldn't disappear from the world without telling me... would you? last night, you showed me the scar from slitting your wrist and I'm scared you'll do it again."

my heart pace quickened hearing him bring it up. I didn't think he'd bring it up. I almost didn't want him to bring it up, I wanted to forget it happened. the slit on my wrist was the reason I was here and I was grateful about meeting many people here but I left my brother behind and that made me anxious.

"I won't do it again, phil." I attempted to assure him but he continued to shake his head.

"don't say that. you know that I can't fix everything, right?"

"phil, what's wrong?" I questioned. he's never acted this way and now I was very worried.

"my therapist was telling me that I shouldn't always rely on things to help me because they won't always be there..." he said and sighed.

"what do you mean you can't fix everything though?"

"I know you won't always be there for me, just like how I won't always be there for you because things happen, you know? we're both mentally ill and we have problems and I want you to know that I'm trying my best to make you happy even like this but please know that I can't fix everything that's wrong with you. I wish I could stop grey, I wish I could take away all the sadness in you, I wish I could see you happy every day but I can't do that and I'm sorry."

I let out a breath and I could feel phil sigh as well.

he's right.

"phil, you're right and I know that but that's not the point of this relationship. I want to be here for you and try to help you, even though I know I can't take all your problems away. I will be here through it all though, I will help you get to happiness, okay? we can't fix each other one hundred percent but we can help each other." I told him and he began to shake softly.

"I also want you to remember that every time I get upset or angry, it's not your fault," he said quietly and his voice broke.

"I understand. are you alright?" I asked him again and a tear rolled down his cheek.

this was the first time I was seeing him cry and despite him just saying it wasn't my fault he was upset, I felt bad.

"my mum passed." and he broke out into a sob, pulling his hand away from mine and taking his ball, hugging it and hiding his face as his body shook and he cried.

*****

I FINALLY UPDATED WOOOOO

merry late christmas and a happy early new year !!!!

i have so many assignments but i was like let's procrastinate by writing fan fiction ayeeeee this is why i'm going to fail history

okay i need to leave again hAVE A GOOD DAY/NIGHT BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE

bYYEEEE