ill // phan au

f o u r t e e n

"I don't think that's a good idea," chris said, giving me a sympathetic look.

"why not? I'd love to meet pj." I insisted.

I couldn't tell what had gone through me but I knew it was bad when phil took my arm and pulled me away carefully but forcefully.

"you can go ahead, chris," phil said but I pulled my arm away from him immediately.

the feeling of a his hand grasping my arm was too familiar and I hadn't realized it had become a habit to pull away from anyone that grabbed me like that until I pulled my arm away, pushing him whilst doing so and looked back at him. his expression was a bit upset and it was clear he was trying to brush it off.

"why can't I go?"

"because maybe chris wants to be alone with pj," phil scolded and chris placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll take care of it, go finish eating then head to the galaxy room. I'll meet you there later," chris told him and before phil could say anything else, chris was tugging my sleeve to follow him.

chris didn't speak as we walked down the long hallway and I was almost sure he wasn't taking me to see pj. it couldn't have been that easy.

I glanced to my side to see chris watching the tiled floors as if there was nothing more interesting than that and before I asked him if he was alright, he took a breath and turned his gaze towards me and gave me that familiar warm smile.

"when I first met phil, he was... closed. he still is but he has learned to be a lot more open and try to get along with others whereas when I met him to show him around, he didn't speak. he wouldn't look at me, he didn't even want to follow me to begin with. I managed to show him around and then asked him if he wanted to be alone in one of the galaxy room and he spent a lot of time in there afterwards."

chris stopped, causing my to accidentally walk into him and apologizing profusely but he laughed and shook his head.

"it's fine. let's take a seat in the library, I'll continue then." he said and walked into the library.

I followed him and we found a round table and sat across from each other, chris placing his hands on the table and looking at them before up at me.

"phil has very short temper, I'm sure you've noticed. anything can set him off and as I'm sure he's told you, I read everyone's files. I know everything everyone's said to their past therapists. after a few days, I gave phil a visit on the room and sat next to him, trying to talk to him. it took me hours and I wish I was exaggerating but I even left to check on everyone else and came back to try again. he ignored me, it was like I wasn't even there but I then mentioned his mum. that was my first mistake but I finally had his attention and he was glaring at me like he was ready to murder me. I apologized and told him I read his files, saw it said something about his mother and that was my second mistake. he was like a bomb and as soon as I said I read his files, he went off."

chris attempted to mimic the sound f a bomb going off, flailing his arms in the air and I gave him a quiet laugh but was slightly confused as to why he was telling me this all of the sudden.

"I've been shouted at multiple times," chris continued, his hands back on the table. "everyone has problems and yelling is almost stress relieving, I get it, but phil was the first person to ever yell at me that made me feel small and weak. 'I'm not a baby you fucking ass, don't act so tough when you're in here for the same reason as me,' he shouted at me and of course, his sentence was flawed but I'd never felt so.. pathetic? I don't know, I've always liked to feel in control. to have everything layer out perfectly and know what to do, how to do it and fix it if something went wrong. I'd only been here for two years; no one in the time that I was here and helping others had shouted at me and said something like that. people get angry when they find out I've read their files but they sook accepted it and let me help them. I liked it that way.

"phil didn't speak to me for nearly three weeks and I felt horrible. I didn't want the new guy to hate me because I fucked up, I thought I was helping. I didn't understand what I had done wrong. I wanted to be the guy that people liked and could go to to talk. I gathered up the courage and went to speak to him again, finding him in the galaxy room he's always in. it took me the whole day but he finally spoke up and asked me what I wanted- not so kindly, I might add. I tried to not feel too bothered by it and asked him what I did wrong. this is something I want you to listen to carefully, alright?"

I nodded, leaning in slightly and chris faintly smiled, eyes on his hands again.

"he said he liked his privacy. I asked him what he meant and he said, I quote, 'you shouldn't force people to open up to you but you also shouldn't invade their privacy without letting them know.' I thought I was being helpful and I explained to him why I did it and we talked about it for quite a while and I then understood that you should give people their space and let them open up when they're comfortable enough doing so. I still read files because that is part of my job now so I know what people want, what they're like and what they need like charlie, he's a good example. if I hadn't read his file, I wouldn't have known he cannot stand loud noises and whispering around him is best but I have limits. now, when I meet people, I don't immediately tell them I've read their things. I introduce myself and ask how they got here, I try to make them feel at home even though this is far from home and afterwards, I tell them so they aren't as upset and I explain why. 'course, phil was the one to tell you and I'm relieved you didn't flip your shit at me. but, do you get what I'm saying here?"

I gave him a puzzled look and thought about everything he just said, trying to get something out of it and I was about to tell him I was still confused when he cleared his throat to speak again.

"I'll let it sink in," he said softly. "please don't be angry at phil, he was just trying to help and stand up for and I'm grateful so if anything, be angry at me, alright? he's my best friend and you mean a lot to him so I'm sure it was difficult for him to not snap at you either."

chris stood and made his way next to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry I wasted your time and I hope when you realize what I meant to say, you don't take it personally. I don't mean to come off as rude, it's just something I would really really appreciate. I'm going to see pj then head to phil and check up on you later, okay? take a walk and clear your mind."

he squeezed my shoulder gently before digging his hands into his pockets and slowly walking away.

I was looking at his back as he disappeared but even then, he didn't seem as happy as usual and I couldn't help but feel guilty.

I leaned my face on the table, gazing at a bookshelf as I attempted to analyze what chris told me.

does "you shouldn't force people to open up to you" sound significant?

... oh.

*****

sooooooo it's been a while

IM SORRY IM BAD AT THIS IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR LIKE THREE YEARS WHAT THE HEC k

i'm sorry okay here is an update aNd i won't promise there will be another soon as finals are coming up wOO SCHOOL IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY FUCKING LIFE

k cool i need to work more fffff

until next time frens

byyeeee