ill // phan au

e l e v e n

I knew claire was going to question me about things I was going to try to avoid as she said she wanted to start with more personal things and I was tempted to hide, run and find a place where I could hide long enough to not have to go but it has been a long week and chris has been watching my every move, as if I would do something absurd.

phil hasn't exactly been very much like himself lately. every time I thought I was finally getting to know more of him and have him be himself, he'd close back to the phil I met the first time. cold and distant.

he usually talked a lot and would smile and try to joke, kind of like chris but he hasn't been smiling at all and had been spending a lot of time in a galaxy room where chris wouldn't let me go in.

I didn't understand but then again, I wasn't him and he did just recently lose his mum.

"I'll be here to take you to the cafeteria when you're done," chris said to me, giving me a small smile.

I still didn't think it was necessary to walk me to the room my session was in but chris insisted on it and I didn't want to push him away.

I nodded and opened the door to see claire already waiting for me. she stood to shake my hand and I wanted to walk back out but I had gotten myself in here and there was nothing I could do but cooperate.

I stared at her hand for a moment, decided whether or not to shake it and as soon as I decided to shake her hand, she took it back and sat down, indicating I take a seat as well.

like last time, I sat as far away from her as possible and began picking the skin around my nails.

"how are you feeling today?" she asked me and I shrugged.

"I'm okay."

she smiled but I could tell she was hoping for a different answer.

"are you being honest?"

sorry, no! we're fantastic. wonderful, amazing, wow the world seems inviting all of the sudden! really loving life over here!

oh, shut up.

"I'm okay," I said again and she watched me for a little longer but didn't question me anymore. not about how I was feeling, at least.

"well, I thought today we could talk about your family. how does that sound?" she said softly.

terrible.

why did I think I could avoid this? I did want to get out as soon as possible but there were too many things I didn't want to share with this stranger telling me she'd help.

I wanted to shake my head but I remained silent and stared at my knees to avoid eye contact.

"what's your family like?"

don't answer.

I shrugged.

"did you not spend time with your family?" she continued to question and I only shrugged.

she threw more questions at me and even waited, watching me closely but I shrugged again and again until she seemed tired of it and finally stopped asking me the same questions over and over.

"we can't sit here and not talk about anything. we are supposed to be communicating and you're not putting much effort into your part of this. I'm trying my best daniel and I was hoping you would too."