ill // phan au

f o u r

"what's your favorite color?"

"black because it matches my heart."

we were lying next to each other on the floor, asking and telling each other things and who knew what time it was, all I knew was that I had never felt so calm just staring out the thick glass window into the blue night sky with someone next to me.

"what color would you describe me as?" phil asked and I thought about it for a moment.

"I think there's a lot of colors you could be. when I first met you today, I'd say you were a grey because you seemed quite empty and monotone, you know? then you kinda turned more into a dark blue, you said kinda scary things and you appeared to be sad, but also desperate for an escape maybe? now, you're a light blue. I would say yellow but it's quite bright, outgoing color whereas light blue is also bright but in a more soft way. there's hints of dark blue as well as grey in the lightness of it all but it's just a part of who you are. blue is also the color of your eyes which are really nice."

I turned my gaze towards phil who had a small grin on his lips as he looked at me.

"if you ever write a novel, please tell me because the way you speak is amazing." he said and I could feel a smile creeping onto my own lips as my face become hot.

"you kind of remind me of stars; you only shine at night when no one is watching. I didn't think such a quiet boy that looked scared of the world could even make colors sound so poetic and beautiful."

and I didn't think a boy that scared me to begin with would be saying such kind things to me.

you're getting way ahead of yourself.

I ignored grey and smiled at phil again.

"I didn't really want to come here at first, to be honest. I don't like the idea of making new friends, of starting something new because I like to keep my distance but I've really enjoyed talking to you." he told me, looking back up at the ceiling. "you don't think I'm a loser, right?"

"of course I don't. I've enjoyed talking to you, too."

"I'm glad. I've got to go back to my room, we'll both get into trouble if the staff finds out we were in the same room."

I could feel a slight pang of sadness as he sat up and reached for his ball again, standing and looking down at me.

"but we aren't doing anything bad," I said in a slightly whiny tone.

I didn't want to be alone and I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to waste the night talking away but he gave me a sad look and I knew that he really couldn't stay.

"I'll be back tomorrow night, alright? besides, we get to see each other throughout the whole day. I don't want to get you into trouble, you're new here. besides, they won't think we were 'just talking', I mean, it does sound suspicious." he said and chuckled softly.

I grinned a bit and nodded, despite feeling upset that he was still leaving.

"goodnight, dan. sleep well." he said in a whisper before quickly leaving and oddly enough, I had never felt more alone.

***

"rise and shine!"

I jumped a bit at chris's sudden entrance but he was smiling and clapped his hands together.