ill // phan au

s e v e n t e e n

one, breathe. alright. two, listen. okay. three, what do you hear? breathing. four, what does it remind you of? a living being. five, how do you feel? fine.

repeat.

the sun was starting to rise and I looked down to see his hair that I had been brushing my hand through for an hour now. his head was in my lap, he fell asleep holding my other hand and I had to admit, I was a bit uncomfortable from sitting in the same spot for this long but seeing him as peaceful as he was, I didn't want to move.

when did I ever see him this calm? he always had either an angry, blank or mildly happy expression and seeing him happy was always my favourite one but I do wish I saw him calm more often. having so many thoughts running through your mind and troubling you was never fun and I understood but oh, what I would do to see him this relaxed awake.

his nose then wrinkled and I watched him as he went from calm to bothered.

he said he has nightmares...

and?

his brows furrowed and he let go of my hand, attempting to turn over.

should I wake him?

his breathing got heavy.

maybe.

"phil?" I said, placing my hand on his forehead but he flinched.

"phil," I said louder, now softly shaking him in attempt to wake him.

"no!" he shouted as he suddenly sat up, his breathing more heavy than before and eyes wide open then began to look around and I stopped, worried about scaring him.

as soon as he began to cry though, tugged him and pulled him closer to me.

"I'm right here," I whispered. "I'm here."

I could feel phil hesitate for a moment but he let out a long breath and hugged me tightly, crying into my shoulder.

not long had passed when the door to my room opened and chris appeared holding an umbrella and a worried look on his face.

"what happened?" he asked me.

"I think he had a bad dream," I replied. "why do you have an umbrella?"

"not right now. someone's looking for you."

"what?"

don't tell me...

"I don't know but he's demanding to see you and I think it's important."

it can't be him, right?

"I'll take care of phil, just go to him," chris said and I gently squeezed phil before standing and running out of my room, downstairs to where the main entrance was.

he would only come to me if something bad happened and I didn't want to think about all the bad things that could be.

I promised I'd keep him safe, I told him he could come to me if anything happened, I said I would protect him at all costs.

after everything that's happened, I had to keep him safe, even from here.

I was only five when he was born and looking back, my memory was a bit cloudy but one thing I did remember clearly was his birth. on the day he was born, I remember sitting in the waiting room alone and my dad, who appeared angry, burst out of the room where my mum was. I was so excited, I hurried in to see my little brother in my mum's arms.