ill // phan au

n i n e

phil had left for the weekend to attend his mother's funeral.

he didn't cry at all after we left the library and he refused to talk to anyone except his therapist who told him that his father was picking him up.

he didn't exactly say much to me either and I could understand that. his mum passed and he was in shock.

chris had burst into my room the next morning phil left, hauled me out of bed and dragged me to the washroom to take a shower, constantly telling me phil was alright and that he just needed space.

I knew he needed space but I wanted to help in any way possible. he didn't talk about it though and so I didn't either.

"dan, you're taking quite a while!" chris called out.

you're thinking too much.

I know.

I shut off the water and reached for a towel to dry my hair with and quickly changed clean clothes.

"are you alright?" chris asked me.

"yeah," I said. "um, I don't really feel like eating."

"the staff would get mad at me if I let you go so let's get something small to eat and we can go to the galaxy hall, okay?"

I nodded even though I wanted to run away and followed him to the cafeteria.

we did as he said and were sitting in a room with the lights off. the small window at the far top left corner of the room gave enough light to see each other's faces and bodies as we sat across from each other, by back against the wall.

"I get you're worried for phil, I am too but I think that you simply being there to support him will help," chris said to me and smiled sympathetically.

"I know but I wish I could make it better." I mumbled.

he chuckled softly. "caring for someone does that to you."

I nodded and wondered if asking him questions about himself would be a bad idea. he always managed to get away before I could ask anything much and he somehow avoided talking about himself very well.

"do you care for pj?" I asked, taking the risk.

he looked away still smiling but in looked a little more sad.

"yes, he means a lot to me."

"how did you meet him?"

I couldn't help my curiosity; I wanted to know who this pj was as he seemed important to chris but no one's exactly seen him.

chris laughed softly, sighing. "okay, I'll let you in on this," he said and lay on the floor, spreading his body. "I met him at school. two guys were kicking the shit out of me and I was lying there, vulnerable and crying then like a hero, this boy I didn't know pushed the guys and beat them up. we all got in trouble and ended up in the office but he didn't seem bothered at all. afterwards, we became friends. we hung out a lot, he did save my ass quite a few times as I'm very good at getting into trouble but he always helped me. it was weird but fucking awesome. we were basically inseparable to the point where people assumed we were gay and together and the homophobes were angry as shit but we didn't care."

chris then got to his feet and looked down at me, still smiling. "he asked me out in front of them and it was pretty badass. I cried, I obviously wasn't badass," his smile began to fade and he slowly sat back down, pressing his fingers against the wall to make squeaky noises.

"I just didn't realize how painful it would be afterwards," he mumbled. "bullying doesn't just disappear. they didn't stop. it continued and we tried so hard to ignore it but it's not easy. it hurts and it gets to you. he... he's okay, I just don't get to see him as often because he's not always available. it's been difficult for him and he's working through it so I understand."

I had been watching him intently the whole time but when he said that last part, I got lost. he must have completely skipped something and went straight to being in here.

if he was here, where was he? why have we never seen him? why does he go to him so often? the story was making sense until that sudden jump and I was more confused than before but chris was already talking about something else and bringing it up again didn't seem like a very good idea at all.

I was only more curious now but I engaged with the conversation he was having with me and set it aside for now. I'd get back to it later.

I was glad I ended knowing more than I did to start with.

*****

ayeeeee shitty shirt parts i suck at this lol

happy new year !! it's literally the 13 what even oKAY THATS FINEEEE

i finally updated be proud of me pls

i'm tired though so i'm gonna sleep for 15 hours see you later children

byyeeee