ill // phan au

t h r e e

the day passed slowly, like the world knew I wanted to go back to my room and hide and was stoping time but I guess this place really wasn't that bad.

I got to meet a few more people like sally who was a girl that cut deep enough to almost kill herself but could draw amazing portraits, or dave, a 17 year-old boy who came from an abusive family and was a drug addict. and alyssa, an anorexic that was struggling with her disorder but made sure you ate at breakfast, lunch and dinner.

everyone was so friendly, even nate, the boy with anger issues. sure, he yelled at people and broke things but he apologized whenever he calmed down and he was quite the story teller.

I had only been here for a day and this place felt more like home than my actual house did.

but the day came to an end and we were all sent to our rooms and I was glad to finally be alone again.

take it off.

I slowly took off the bandage on my wrist where my cut was and stared at the bruised skin on my arm.

the stitches looked more painful than they actually were.

it'll be a mess if I pick it.

we'll find a way to clean it.

I ran my fingers over the stitches and was about to pull at them when there was a soft knock on my door, causing me to jump.

fuck, put the bandage back on!

I began to wrap my wrist with the bandage and shaky hands as quickly as I could whilst the knock continued.

I went and opened the door as I pulled my sleeve down and there stood chris with phil, holding a flashlight.

"hey! we thought you might want company! well, unless you want to sleep then we can just leave-" chris began saying and I cut him off.

"no, it's okay. I can't sleep." I said, not wanting to be alone and glanced at phil who was clutching his ball still.

I wanted to ask him why he took it everywhere but I didn't know if that was a bad idea and stayed quiet.

what are you doing? they need to leave.

"insomnia sucks, huh?" chris said and smiled at me.

I nodded, looking away when he smiled. I couldn't bring myself to smile back and I felt bad every time he did.

"so, schizophrenic?" phil asked me and chris elbowed him.

"I don't think it's schizophrenia, my old therapist told me it was that but she then told me it could possibly be mpd- multiple personality disorder. I think she was just trying to label it as quickly as possible to get me medication and be done with me." I muttered, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"it said that on your file but I just assumed that schizophrenia was it, sorry," chris said.

"it's okay. the word itself usually gabs your attention so I understand. I'm sure it's mpd though. schizophrenia sounds scary and I don't want to be labeled at that."

stop talking about it and get them out.

they both nodded and chris sat on my bed, bouncing on it a bit.

"too bad pj couldn't make it. maybe next time, but hey! we'll have fun anyways." chris said, changing the subject with a small smile still on his face.

we are not having fun.

"who exactly is pj?" I asked. I could see phil shaking his head vigorously and chris's smile fade the slightest but he answered me anyways.

"he's my boyfriend. he's always busy and can't really hang out much but that's okay. I understand."

it went silent and I could almost feel the atmosphere change into a more saddening feeling but said nothing about it until chris finally got to his feet and gave am a forced smile.

"I'm kinda tired for once so I'll be leaving. I'm sure you two will have plenty to talk about."

and he walked out, avoiding eye contact with phil and closed the door behind him.

"I probably shouldn't have asked him that, I'm so sorry," I said after another moment of silence and I could feel my tears well up in my eyes at the thought of already having chris hate me.

I'm such a fuck up, I've only been here for a day and I've already messed it up.

stop being such a cry baby.

"it's not your fault, I asked him too. don't blame it on yourself, he just doesn't like people asking him about pj even though he always talks about him." phil said but a tear rolled down my cheek and I was already a crying mess.

"he probably hates me though. I just thought I could finally have actual friends and I already ruined it," I sobbed and phil pursed his lips together.

"hey," he said in a more soft and gentle tone. "it's okay, it's okay." he set his ball on the floor and walked towards me then say on the bed and tugged my arm a bit indicating me to sit with him.

I sat and he pulled me into his arms, running my arm and hugging me tightly.

"he doesn't hate you, he needs space. we'll be your friends, okay? you won't be alone anymore," he whispered lightly and I could feel my face heat up as more tears ran down my face.

"I can't believe I'm already crying. I'm sorry," I mumbled and phil gave me a sympathetic smile. it was the first time I'd seen him smile and I could tell that it had been a while since he'd smiled.

"you're a fragile one. that's alright, I'll protect you. there's nothing wrong with crying." he assured me.

I gazed at him, astounded. he seemed quite intimidating and a bit scary to begin with but now he was smiling at me and holding me, letting me cry into his chest over something stupid.

I had never felt so safe around someone until now and I didn't want to let go, afraid that when I did it would disappear. I wanted to feel this forever.