Fighter (Anthony Rizzo)

The Size of Fight in the Dog

Camilla

"Almost done Ms. Mathews."

Another day another chemo treatment. To be honest the spinal taps don't even bother me anymore. It's not comfortable but it's kind of just something I've come to terms with.

As I lay on my side Anthony grabs the back of my hand and kisses it softly. He's been at all my treatments he could and it really does help having him here. I'm starting my third round now and if all goes well I should only have one more round of chemo left before I'm tested again.

"You're doing great" he says with a smile and I nod. Thirty minutes pass and I feel the needle get removed from my spine. Such a shitty feeling.

"Alrighty you're good to go. Make sure you get something to eat" the nurse tells me and I thank her. She was super sweet and good at her job, luckily for me.

Anthony and I decide to grab a bite at the diner and say hi to some old faces. I've missed being there all the time to be honest. I felt so weak but Anthony had been a great crutch.

"Well if it isn't my favorite worker herself" Michael says as we walk in. It was pretty busy but it usually was now.

"Hey Michael. How have you been? How's the family?"

"We're all good, we miss you though."

"I miss you guys too. Ive been able to get around a little better now that my body is used to the treatment so I should be around more."

"That's good, maybe you can show these new kids a thing or two" he whispers causing me to laugh.

I walk around the diner and say hi to the familiar faces. I really missed seeing everyone and it made me happy to talk to them.

"Well well well look who's still breathing" Mr. Maxwell chirps as I make my way to him. He knew about the first battle with cancer and what I was going through now. We always joke around even if the humor was a bit... dark I guess.

"Look who's talking" I joke and we both laugh.

"This diner just doesn't shine as bright without you working here."

"That's sweet of you to say."

We catch up a little and he kept asking Anthony if they were going to win this year because he's tired of waiting. Anthony loved talking to him because he was such a passionate fan.

After Mr. Maxwell pays for his food Anthony and I sit down at our own table and order our food while he signs as few autographs.

"How do you do it" he asks me and I raise my eyebrow in confusion.

"Do what?"

"Everything you do. I've been more of a mess than you have and you're the one fighting this war."

"I knew there was always a possibility that this would happen again. I'm not invincible. I have a very aggressive form of cancer that even the slightest chance it gets to progress it will take. But sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it."

"Still, it's hard to see you in pain. It sucks because it's not me this time and I feel useless. Like there's nothing I can do to make it better. Watching you fight this is so fucking hard."

"I get that. But it's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of fight in the dog. And I will never stop fighting. I have you and my family and the team and that's more than enough for me to keep fighting to stay alive."

"Aren't you scared?"

"I'm terrified. No matter how much I avoid thinking about it, it's still there. I mean at any moment the cancer can come back more aggressive, my body could start rejecting the treatment, the cancer could spread. But I can't think about all that stuff. Even though I'm not invincible, I'm not weak either. I know there's more to life than what I've experienced and I'm not going anywhere until I get to experience it myself."

Anthony reaches across the table and grabs my hand as I feel a tear fall, I hadn't even noticed I had been crying.

"Hey, you're not going anywhere okay? You and me... were going to take this life and make the most of it. I promise you that. Forever and always" he says playing with the ring on my hand. Forever and for always.

-----------------------------------

The next day I take the boys to St. Jude's. No cameramen or videographers, just the boys and the kids. They all bring toys or a jersey or a baseball to hand out. They spread out and walk around the hospital while I look over them.

"How my little Fighter" Nancy asks coming up to give me a hug.

"Still fighting."

"I heard. How have you been holding up?"

"Going as well as fighting cancer can go."

"Well that's good sweetie. You know there's a girl in your old room now. She loves it in there, you want to go see her?"

"I would love that" I smile. She leads me down a series of familiar halls and into the room I once occupied. I spent over four years in this very room. And as much as I wanted to hate being here I couldn't, this was home for a while after all. I see Anthony was already in the room and was playing catch with the girl. Of course this would be the room he chose. The little girl had short blonde hair and couldn't have been older that 9.

"Hey Isabella, this is Camilla and she is the one who painted this room when she stayed here" Nancy explains. She hops off the bed and comes to give me a hug.

"I love this room, it's my favorite one and I'm happy they let me have it. It's so cool" she says looking up at me with brilliant blue eyes. It breaks your heart knowing that she would rather be almost anywhere but here, but I'm happy she close this room to make her happy. It worked wonders for me.

"Thank you, that's very kind of you to say."

Anthony comes over and kisses the top of my head before he puts his arm around me.

"Is she your girlfriend" Isabella asks Anthony.

"Even better. She's my girlfriend but she's also my best friend and my motivation" he says and I start to blush.

"Are you still sick" she asks me and I nod my head. It's really hard to admit that but it's noticeable to those sho know what to look for.

"Are you going to get better?"

"I am. I have amazing people such as the ones here helping me get through this. And no matter how tired or weak I feel I keep going because the best way to move is forward."

I end up playing catch with Isabella and Anthony and had such a good time. She was the sweetest little thing ever. After about four hours running around the hospital it was time to go and I go home to take a nap.

I crawl into bed and Cubbie lays on my lap. Anthony joins us and throws his arm around me.

"I'm proud of you" he says.

"Me? What did I do" I laugh.

"Because no matter how bad you feel you never let it bring you down. I know you don't want us to worry but we don't expect you to be okay with everything happening."

"I'm not acting like I'm okay, I'm just being happy. I do love life, I love that I get to wake up to you every morning. I love that I get to be so close to such a historic event with the Cubs. And while I am in a lot of pain or don't always feel like doing things I know that I'm blessed to still be here. I'm not taking a second for granted."

"I know that. But it's okay to cry sometimes or vent a little. You're human, you're going to feel upset or confused at times. I just don't want you holding everything in."

"I promise that if I have any problems you will be the first person I call."

"Good, now go to sleep."

I close my eyes and join Cubbie in a deep slumber.