Hazel Rain

Chapter 67

Erin was a bit shocked when she opened the door and found Kim on the other side, "Kim..."

"Can I come in? Please?" Kim bounced on the balls of her feet, it had been weeks since she had laid eyes on Erin. "I miss you.."

Erin folded her arms over her stomach, "Sure..come on in." Having a sit down with Kim wasn't on her to do list, but she knew there was no getting rid of Kim at this point, "Everyone good?"

The exchange felt forced, Kim moved nervously around the apartment, "Depends on your definition of good." She moved a stack of papers off the couch, setting them on a very cluttered coffee table, "and who you're asking about. My kids are good...Dylan is really good. Though I can't say the same for Jay, he's worried."

Erin pinched the bridge of her nose, "is that why you're here? Jay put you up to this?" She hadn't spoken to him in days, "I've already told Jay about the last appointment."

Kim reached out for Erin's hand, "I'm not here for Jay..I'm here as your friend, Erin. I miss you and I'm worried.." she glanced around the apartment, "The last time you crashed with Bunny...it wasn't pretty."

"I'm only here until I can find a place. It's not the same as Nadia, Kim. I just needed space.."

"From Jay?"

"Jay. Voight. Everyone." Erin admitted, "I just need to breath without everyone in my face..I can't do this!" The crack in her voice was apparent, "I don't want this...this isn't what I wanted." She angrily wiped at her eyes.

"What do you mean? The baby? Jay?" Kim was completed befuddled, "I don't understand."

Erin laughed sarcastically, "You wouldn't."

Kim tired not to take offense, "Help me then, Erin. Help me understand. Please. I'm begging you." Her voice rising as she continued to speak.

"Babies." Erin said devoid of emotion, "I can't do babies."

Kim scrunched her face up in confusion, "You've got to be kidding. You're great with kids. My kids love you...and you love them."

"Yours. That's the key word, Kim. Your kids." Erin got up from the couch and went into the tiny kitchen, Kim on her heels. "I can do other people's kids. I can be the cool aunt, the fun aunt. I can't be the mom."

"Sure you can, Erin. You'd be wonderful." Kim was still trying to wrap her head around all of it, "Hazel thinks you walk on water, you're selling yourself short."

Erin leaned back against the counter, "It's easy for you to say that. You grew up with an amazing mother and father. The white picket fence..all of it. I grew up in this place" she held her arms out, "I watched my mother snort line after line..I watched as different men paraded through her bedroom..fuck!" She yelled, "I don't want this baby..."

"I can't say I understand where you're coming from..but Erin...you can do it. It's hard as hell...but you can do it. Do you think we all aren't scared shitless? Adam was!" Kim was finding it hard to keep her wits about her.

"I don't want this baby...nothing you say will change that. Just drop it..okay?" Erin glared at her, "you can go run back to Jay and tell him that. Tell him he can have this baby once its born...I don't want it." She chewed on the inside of her cheek, anything to keep her emotions in check.

Kim was stunned into silence, "Erin...you don't mean that..."

"The fuck I don't!" Erin retorted, "I can't do this...alright?"

Kim carefully approached her, "Erin..."

"Kim...I mean it. Just go." Erin begged her, "Please...just go.."

Kim had seen Erin at her lowest, after Nadia had died but this was different. The life had been drained from Erin's eyes. After Nadia was killed, Erin was furious. She was angry at the world and lashed out at whoever approached her.

Now?

It was different, it was scary.

Erin was broken.

"Ok." Kim held her hands up in defeat, "I'm going. I wish you could see what I see..what I see when you're around my children...it's hard Erin. I know that...but you can do it..."

Erin looked up at her.

"I'm done," Kim knew she was on thin ice, "I love you..."

Erin bit her bottom lip, she could hear the sound of Kim exiting the apartment and it was then she lost it.

Didn't they see it? She was bound to fuck up this baby, just as her mother had done. Just as her mother's mother had done.

Once this baby was born Erin would hand it over and never look back. She owed that much to the baby growing in her womb.

Adam massaged his friend's shoulders, "She'll come around man. She's scared, I know what that's like." He was completely unprepared for being a parent and had turned tail and ran.

Jay shook his head, "Apples and oranges. This is our kid...we've got months to prepare for it and she's shut me out. She shut fucking Voight out."

"I don't know what to say.. I'm sorry man."

"Me too." Jay huffed, "This is supposed to be fun..preparing for our kid. Together. I don't know where her head is man...and I'm scared."

Adam rested his elbows on the bar. "You don't think she's drinking or using again...do you?"

Jay blew out an exasperated breath, "I don't think so...but I can't swear to it. I'll tell you what if she's using..were done. I will go for full custody...you can count on that."

Kevin wasn't sure how much more of this he could take.

Another month had come and gone and they still weren't pregnant. He had yet to tell Alyssa about Erin.

The world was a cruel fucking place, they'd been trying for months to get pregnant and if seemed Jay just looked at Erin and she was knocked up.

An unwanted pregnancy.

Erin had what his wife wanted more than anything in the world.

Erin had it all.

Not that she wanted it.

That's what hurt most.

Erin was blessed with the most precious thing in the world..and she didn't want it.

--NOTE--

If I said I wasn't seriously struggling with this one..I'd be lying. I feel like I've written myself into a corner and it would take a minor miracle to get me out of it.

I'm thinking the end is near, I'm gonna try and wrap it up within the next few days.

Thanks for reading and all the kind words.