My Little World

Chapter Forty Three

Xavier's POV

I woke up and my head felt like it would explode. I don't remember much of last night but I remember Tara looking so beautiful and happy with Edward. Edward, of all people and I couldn't take it. I started drinking just watching them look so perfect. Emma and Tara with Edward was like looking into my worst possible nightmare. They looked like a family and it killed me inside. Everything just felt too much.

"Oh you're up." I saw Edward come into the room. I don't even remember how I ended up in that room. He placed a cup on the table "Coffee. It'll help ya"

I took a sip. It did feel good but still no memory. "What happened last night?" I asked

He raised his eyebrow "You don't remember? I punched you." I traced my hand on my face and he was right, I was hurt but why. He then told me the exact incident that happened and I felt million times more worse.

I just wanted to apologise to her and tell her how miserable I've been ever since that night but all I did is got jealous and ruined her life again. I don't understand why I keep hurting her.

"Look, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. You guys are together and I respect that. What I did was totally out of line."

"We're not together. I'm married to Ivey. We got married six years ago. I love her. She was a great wife."

I was confused so I asked him "was?"

He sighed "she died two years ago. Cancer. Tara has been a great support since Ivey's death but we're in no sense together. She is my best friend in the entire world and what you did was not cool."

Just when I thought I couldn't do anything more horrible that what I've already done, I surprise myself. I insulted him, his dead wife and his best friend infront of family and friends on his birthday. I was his best friend once but Lord knows I don't deserve any of that.

"I'm so sorry. I know I screwed up big time. I feel awful. I'm so sorry about your wife. Why didn't you tell me? I was your closest and oldest friend."

"We lost touch. It was hard when I moved here but after your breakup you became a different person who really didn't care and when I heard the things that you were capable of saying to the woman you loved so much I couldn't believe you were the same person. My old friend would never have done that. I didn't recognize you anymore so I stopped trying."

He was right I wasn't there for him. I part of me was sure Tara went to Edward for help and I got so mad that I took it out on him. I never asked just assumed and ruined our friendship. His wife died and he didn't tell me that's how much of an ass I was to him. I deserve this. I wanted a second chance but all I did was make it a hundred times worse.

"She cried for you. She cried over you for days." He said in a low voice.

"I know"

"Then why didn't you come back for her?"

"Because I was hurting too" I sighed "I was in pain as well and I was scared that I might hurt her even more than I already have and use my pain as an excuse to justify my actions. I wasn't thinking, all I felt was betrayal."

He didn't say anything, just left. I wasn't even sure if there was anything to say. I'm six years late for realizing a mistake I made. I can't crawl back into her life and create another havoc and say I was hurting. I can't keep using this excuse forever.

I came downstairs and saw my mother in Edward's kitchen.

"What are you doing here?" I asked but my voice startled her.

Put her hand on her chest and spoke. "I came by to drop Edward's gift. I couldn't attend the party last night. I was busy with work." She paused and then spoke again "Edward left for work."

I didn't say anything just nodded. I stood there in silence not knowing what I'm supposed to do in this situation. It was a weird and awkward moment for both of us.

"I heard what happened last night. I'm sorry."

"Yeah.." I trailed. I kept shifting my gaze not wanting to meet her eyes.

She made me breakfast and I quietly sat down to eat. I was starving. I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning. I put the piece of waffle in my mouth and moaned. They same exactly like I remember. It was bliss.

My eyes met my mom who was looking at me lovingly and I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. "What work do you do?" I asked trying to avoid any difficult conversation.

"I'm a editor. I edit books, novels, magazines, sometimes newspaper articles. I completed my degree after leaving.. I didn't had any money so I had to work three jobs to cover my education. It was tough but I love my job."

I was starting to feel guilty so I stirred the conversation towards her job more. She told me about the novel she was editing and how it is a mystery novel so she'll know the suspense before the audience. She really loved her job and it was nice. She looked so happy talking about her work.

After breakfast I got up and collected my things.

"Thank you for the breakfast but I should get going. I've caused enough trouble to last forever."

She didn't say anything but smiled at me. It was genuinely kind smile and I felt warm in my heart.

I put on jacket and was about to leave when she stopped.

"Xavier, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage." I turned to face her. She shrugged "That is what Tara always says. Twenty seconds of insanity is all we need. Everything is going to be okay after that."

I stood there looking at her face. She genuinely meant it. She wasn't mad at me or angry. She didn't hate me even though I've spent my entire life hating her. Her smile was so warm and kind which made me realize how much I missed my mom.

"Do you wanna know the truth?" She nodded "Everything is not just going to okay. Everything does not always happen for a reason. Sometimes we make a choice and we've to live with it. I know I'm supposed to live with mine because what other choice do I've? Just like I made a decision to trust Dad and lose you. I made a decision to let Tara go and now no matter how miserable I'm I can't just go back. It isn't about courage anymore, it is about a stupid decision I made out of impluse and I've to live with it."

She didn't say anything. He started walking towards me embrace me in a hug. It was warm and just like the way I remember. I held her tight and without realizing started crying. I missed her so much over the years.

"Sometimes it is important to just take a step no matter how badly you screwed up. You need to walk towards your consequences even if it is the hardest thing in the world." Mom said releasing me.

There was so much I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her and even though I hated her so much, I love her. I wanted to apologise and make things right but words couldn't escape my mouth. Even though the cloud of misunderstanding has disappearead I still felt really far away. I couldn't say anything useful to her. She was looking at me so warmly expecting me to say something nice and comforting but I couldn't. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions that I couldn't find the words.

"I should go.." that's all I could say. I saw the disappointing look in her eyes but I couldn't do anything. I wasn't sure how to talk to my mother whom I've blamed my entire life for no reason.