Cloud Castle

20. Mess

Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it. Now I regret wishing for his comeback that was before I knew he had a girlfriend. I didn't know wishing that would mean to hurt another girl. I never intended for anyone to hurt. Kaya nga tiniis ko yung anim na taon nang wala siya. Hinayaan ko siyang gawin lahat para sa pangarap niya. Hindi ako nag pakita sa kanya... When my boss told me they want them as the next issue halos magunaw ulit ang mundo ko hindi ba? When I first saw him again so close after 6 years my insides turned upside down. I didn't plan all of it. I didn't plan when Bellamy switch his phone with mine, when I went to their dorm just to get my phone back and get close to them when they were teasing me. I didn't plan when they called me Czarina and most of all I didn't plan when Bellamy keeps on doing unbelievable things for me. Wala akong plinano maski isa sa mga iyon, it just happened.

I have so many things I want to say in front of him but now that he's standing in front of me. Wala akong maisip na sabihin. Wala akong mabuong pangungusap.... He always makes me speechless.

''Anong ginagawa mo dito?'' I let him know I don't like his presence. I don't like us being in the same place at the same time. I don't like us breathing the same air and it's strange because I'm starting to hate him. Tinangka niyang lumapit sa akin ngunit umatras ako.

''I realized... I realized that in order to be whole I had to be with you...'' His words were like a knife that keeps on piercing my heart. No... He doesn't need to be with me just to be whole.

''Says who? You'll be whole with or without me; you've been whole for six years without me... Nandyan naman si Louisse, you said you love her.''

He smiled bitterly. ''I thought you love me? Why are you playing hard to get? I left—'' He answered my question with another question. What the hell...

''Hindi ko hininging iwan mo si Louisse para sa akin! I never asked you anything other than staying out of my life! Xyzpher ano bang problema mo? Nababaliw ka na ba?!'' I was yelling because I feel like my heart's going to explode! I feel everything! Anger, sadness, madness and all! I was taken aback when he hugged me.

''I d-don't know... I feel like my head's going to burst... It hurts Adrylle... It hurts everywhere...'' Mahinang sabi niya kasabay nang pag yugyog nang balikat niya. Was he crying? Nasagot ang tanong ko nung maramdaman kong may pumatak sa balikat ko. I was wearing an off shoulder top, so malamang mararamdaman ko. Naawa naman ako bigla nung nalaman kong umiiyak siya mula bata kami ayokong umiiyak si Clark. I don't want him being hurt because it hurts me too, sobra pa. Kapag may mga sira ulong nang aaway sakanya nung mga bata pa kami tinatambangan ko sa labas nang school. Ilang beses na ngang pinatawag si Papa sa principals office and every time they will ask why hindi ako sasagot. That's why almost all of our teachers hate me. Minsan sinasabi pa nilang huwag na akong kaibiganin ni Clark because I'm a bad influence to him. I told him he should do what they want him to do but he will always cry.

Hindi ko alam pero kusang umandar yung dalawang kamay ko para yakapin siya pabalik. I feel like he needed it. Maybe when I told him everything his mind becomes a mess, maybe it's my fault too? His mind was already in chaos tapos dinagdagan ko pa. ''I'm... I'm really sorry...'' It's all I can say to him. I never wanted to hurt him, it will be the last thing I want to do. I still love him pero nangibabaw lang yung self-worth ko.