Mieko's journal

Nov 22

Friday Nov 22.

We haven't had any journal assignments lately and I've been reading The Fallen Series in my free time. 

Topic: Whats your worst memory?

Mrs. Mariano you might not want to hear about this. But I would like to ask that you don't share this with anyone because it's extremely personal & no ones business. Including you but I want this in my journal regardless.

My worst memory is the day I had my first panic attack. I know exactly what caused it to. 

It was Thursday & I had to go to therapy. I had just bought "You Don't Know Me" by David Klass (That's a really good book). I went to the room but my therapist wasn't there. 

Some guy was there he said he was in for my therapist.

I set my book down (because most therapist think its rude to read while they're "helping me) but he told me to keep reading so I did. He said not to stop reading until he told me to. 

So I didn't. I kept reading even when I felt his hands on my arms, face, stomach & chest.I kept reading when I felt him rubbing himself on me. I kept reading when I felt him sliding his hands into my pants. I kept reading while he took my pants off. I kept reading the entire time he touched me. I read the entire time he started taking of his clothes.

 I kept reading even though somehow I knew what he was doing was wrong. I knew he shouldn't be touching me like that. I knew he shouldn't be taking of his clothes. I knew that I should say something. I should have told him to stop. But I didn't. I let him do whatever he wanted to do to me.

I don't know why but at that time all that mattered was to read. 

I kept reading the entire way home. I skipped dinner to read. I kept reading until I couldn't read anymore. The book  ended & that's when everything began to set in.

I felt dirty, used, & stupid. (Like really who reads through something like that?) The room felt like it was closing in on me. My head felt like it was going to explode. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I could only feel & it was the worst feeling in the world. That's all I remember but apparently there was a lot more to the story.

I don't remember deciding to take a bath. I don't remember boiling water. I don't remember scrubbing away at my skin. I don't remember any of that,(all I remember was that feeling & praying I would die) but it must have happened because I woke up in a hospital bead covered in burns. 

So my worst memory was the first time I had a panic attack. I don't want to go into anymore detail. I honestly can't handle thinking about it for to long. 

But Mrs. Mariano I want to ask you a favor. Please don't look at me any different after reading this. Don't feel bad for me. I don't deserve it, nor do I want you to. I don't want any special treatment. I just want everything to stay the same.

~Meiko