Mieko's journal

Mar 14

Friday Mar 14. 

Therapy was intense yesterday... 

I saw pictures of myself when the police found me early the next morning. I looked so sickly.

 I was soaking wet. from the rain. I had to be freezing. I was shaking so much that the picture was blurry. My eyes were wide open, but they seemed hallow. I looked so lost, scared, & vulnerable. 

It made me sick to look at. I do mean sick in the most literal sense. I threw up when I saw the picture. I started to shake & I thought I was gonna have a panic attack right there in the office. Thankfully Ms. Jackson reminded me to think of positive things. Josh's face flashed in my mind & I started to calm down. 

That was just the beginning. 

I found out alot about my mom.

She has been wanted for a long time. Her record is extremly long. Sh'e wanted for a myriad of things. Everything from theft to assault to child endangerment. I didn't read the whole list. The point is she's gonna be in jail for a long time. 

I can't say I'm to upset about it though. I probably will be later but I'm still mad at her for now.

Ms. Jackson wanted me to talk about how I felt about the situation but honestly I could care less. I was more preoccupied with what was gonna happen to me. 

We didn't talk about that but we did discuss my hatred for treatment. She thinks its unnecessary because treatment is supposed to help me. I think she can't possibly understand because she's never had to go to treatment. 

We also talked about Josh. I think we're both worried about what would happen if I ever lost him. She tried to hide her concern with fascination, but I noticed it. 

She asked so many questions about Josh. I didn't mind though. I loved talking about him. Until she started talking about my "drug problem".

I don't think I have a problem but she disagree's.

I was told not to do drugs. I told her that she has prescribed me a bunch of drugs since I've been seeing her. Ms. Jackson didn't have a response for that. 

I can't help but to admire that women she put up with me for 3 hours yesterday. In that 3 hours I threw up in her office, cried, & insulted her profession. She kept it together though. 

I wish I could keep myself together like that. 

~Meiko