Mieko's journal

Mar 1, 3, 4, 5, 6

Saturday Mar 1.

 Topic: What are you afraid of?

I know we have this topic before but my answer has changed.

I'm afraid of myself. Today I was looking at some of the scares I have from burning & cutting myself.

It really scares me that I can't stop myself once I start. I'm slowly breaking myself from the inside out. I'm already broken but so far everything has been repairable.

Whats gonna happen when they can't put me back together again?

~Meiko 

Monday Mar 3.

Topic: Make a wish

I wish I wish with all my heart to fly with dragons in a land afar... Ok that from dragon tales its a show I watched when I was a kid.

Can't I have 3 wishes? 

I just wasted my wish. I have a new wish now.

I wish my life was like a book. I'm the weird misunderstood girl. Josh is the sweet sexy & kinda weird guy that I fall in love with. Bad things happen in my life but its nothing I can't handle with Josh by my side. We're defnitly gonna live happily ever after. 

My third wish... I wish I could fly. Just because that would be freaking awesome. I could fly to Australia. Who needs planes when you can fly?

~Meiko

Tuesday Mar 4. 

I'm making progress? Thats what my therapist told me. I know that I'm opening up & being more cooperative, but is that really progress? 

According to her it is. 

I used my "progress" as an excuse to get ice cream with Josh. It was a progress party. It sounds corny but it was extremely fun. 

Our progress consisted of me Josh & 4 gallons of ice cream. We watched movies, ate ice, & kissed a lot. I don't know what I liked more Josh's lips or the ice cream. They were both pretty amazing. 

~Meiko

Wednesday Mar 5. 

So Josh & I are on a mission. We are gonna bring back "later days". 

Soon the entire school will be saying it. Then the country. Then the WORLD. 

Hopefully. 

Maybe not. 

Thats what we're aiming for. 

I have no idea how we plan on spreading this. I don't talk to people. Josh only talks to his friends. We're gonna start saying it to each other. Josh'll say it to his friends. People are just supposed to catch on & start using it. 

Our goal is to at least get it trending on Twitter. 

Which is weird considering the fact that I don't have a twitter... 

Later Days

~Meiko

Thursday Mar 6.

WARNING: Depressing entry ahead...

I really need to sort out my feelings right now. My therapist says I should do this whenever I'm really upset.

When I came home to my moms drunk boyfriend I felt...

Disgusted. Angry. Worried. Cautious. Sick. Frustrated.

When he came stumbling into my room I felt... 

Confused. Mad. Disgusted. Scared.

When he started to tell me that I was beautiful I felt...

Suspicious. Scared. Sick. Trapped.

When he tried to touch me I felt...

Dirty. Annoyed. Terrified. 

When I punched him & broke his nose I felt...

Surprised. Accomplished.

When mom got home I felt...

Relieved. Happy.

When mom called me a slut & yelled at me for what I did I felt...

Astonished. Hurt. Scared. Betrayed.

When mom smacked me then kicked me out I felt...

Alone. Afraid. Terrified. 

When I got to Josh's house & his mom told me he was with a girl I felt...

Depressed. Confused. Broken. 

I'm sitting here now & I don't feel. I can remember the feelings from earlier, but now I'm numb. 

I feel nothing.

I am nothing.

~Meiko

(I've been slacking with this story lately. It's getting harder to write for some reason, but I'm determined to finish this)