Mieko's journal

Mar 15-25

Saturday Mar 15.

I'm supposed to write a letter to my mom for therapy. It's supposed to help me somehow.

Dear mom,

I'm not even sure if I should call you mom anymore. I don't know where to go with this letter. I'm really upset right now, not just with you but with myself. 

My whole life I believed that you wre there for me and you were'nt. You turned your back on me for some horrible person. I wonder if you'll ever know how bad that feels. I wonder if you feel at all. When I was mad at you I used to think about how you would react if you knew about everything thats happened to me. But I always ended up feeling guilty so I decided against it. Right about now I wish I would've have said anything that I could to destroy you the way you've done to me.

I do mean that to. You destroyed me. It's funny you worked so hard for me to be completely dependent on you and once you got that you tore me down. I can't believe I let you fed me bullshit all these years. 

I can't help but wonder what happened to make you such a fucked up person in the first place. Were you just born a bitch? I guess it doesn't matter anyways.

I'm getting ready to end this letter because I don't really have anything to say to you. You're not worth my time. On that note I just want it to be known that I do not love you. I do not need you.

I hope you have fun in jail bitch

~Meiko

Sunday Mar 16. 

How am I supposed to feel right now? My life has literally been turned upside down. I just found out that my mom is a criminal. I may have to go into foster care if I can't find a job to keep my house. Josh is my only emotional support. Sadly thats not enough.

I have to rely on myself now. I know that yesterday I basically told my mom that I hate her but she did alot for me. I should be more Grateful.

I know my anger is justified but I feel really guilty now.

Yesterday I started to think about everything. By everything I mean this entire fucked up situation that is my life. I kinda caused this. If I would have just let him do what he wanted none of this would be happening. 

My mom wouldn't be in prison. I wouldn't be taking on the responsibilities of an adult.

I'm not ready for this and thats whats killing me. I could have  prevented this. I already let it happen once. One more time wouldn't have killed me, but this is. 

I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. Everyday of my life has been a struggle, and I just made this struggle harder.

~Meiko

Monday Mar 17.

Confession Time:

We did it. Josh and I that is. We had sex, intercourse, we did the nasty... Why am I listing synonyms for sex? I'm so strange. So I guess I should explain how I lost my virginity. Eww that sounds really disturbing. 

So it all started yesterday. It was a little bit after I did my last journal entry. I was starting to freak out when Josh came in. Have I mentioned he basically lives with me? If I haven't I'm so sorry but he stays at my house alot. Anywho I was really close to having another panic attack and he kissed me. All my anxiety just kinda disappeared and I only wanted no wait I only needed him.

The kisses went from very sweet to something very very naughty. I literally couldn't get enough of him. I climbed onto his lap and basically raped him. Ok it wasn't rape he definitely liked it but still I attacked him. He tried to flip us over but we fell on the floor. We were on the couch by the way. 

Instead of getting up we just kind of stared at each other. He leaned in to kiss me again but it was sweet again. He asked me what I wanted. And can you guess what I said? I was all like I just want you all of you. It sounds like such a bad cliche but thats really all I wanted. 

And well lets just say he gave me exactly what I wanted. Right there on my living room floor. 

It didn't really hurt, and it felt way better than I expected it to be. It felt so good that my brain decided to stop working. So after everything was done and we were just laying there I said and I quote "well that was fun". 

You'd think I killed the moment but Josh thought it was the funniest thing in the world. He was laughing for what seemed like hours.

I kinda feel bad about all of this though. Should I be this happy with everything else thats going on right now? 

It doesn't really matter because I'd do it again. 

I think that it might be a good thing to enjoy the little things when your life is falling apart. 

~Meiko

Tuesday Mar 18.

Soooo I have friends? I'm not sure if I can call them friends, but Josh's friends sit with us at lunch now. I'm in the middle of giving them all nicknames.

There's this kid and he has a weird obsession with parasites. His nickname is now Creepy. There's another boy thats really short, he looks a little bit like Creepy. I call him mini me. There's a girl and she's really pretty. I was jealous since I'm pretty sure she likes Josh, but I couldn't just not give her a nickname. That would be rude. So I called her Curly because of her really gorgeous curly hair. 

Now I know its probably weird but I feel like all of my new friends need nicknames. 

Remember I'm new at this whole friend thing so don't judge me... I can feel you judging me. Stop it. Bad journal bad. 

Ok I'm going to stop acting like a crazy person now.

~Mieko 

Wednesday Mar 19.

I got a job! 

Now I know what you're thinking. "Mieko you weren't even applying for jobs so how did you get one?" 

Well Mr. journal I have been job hunting ever since my mom disappeared a while ago. You see I dont write every single detail of my life in here. Just the weird stuff that I wouldn't tell anyone else.

So I'll be working at the used bookstore that opened by my house. I've been spending so much time there lately. 

It helps me keep my mind off of things. By things I mean the fact that my mom is in prison. I still can't believe it. 

I'm going to be supporting myself pretty soon. I think I'm going to sell this house and get an apartment. I'm going to community college because it's less expensive, and I really don't want to leave my new sort of friends.

Therapy has been pretty good lately to. I've been talking about everything more, and I actually like going every day.

~Mieko 

Tuesday Mar 25.

I love my job. Working at the book store is the best thing thats ever happened to my life. Being surrounded by books for hours is amazing. For now Im just arranging all of the books on the shelves and throwing out bad copies of books that were donated to the store. 

Ms. Lucy is the lady I work for. She's realy sweet and funny. We make fun of customers together. Some of our customers are interesting. There's a girl from school and she comes by every day. She always buys a childrens book and another book that I assume is for her. Aiden comes in every Tuesday to get Iron man comics. He's a huge fan, and we've talked about comics alot. 

Sometimes when I'm on break I like to just watch the people coming in and out of the store and wonder what they're like. 

Everyone is just so different but something about this little book store makes me feel like we're all so connected.

~Mieko 

(Over 1000 words Im kinda proud of myself. Writing this story is so weird I feel like Mieko's life is my second life which kinda sucks because she gets so depressed all the time and then I end up really sad but at the same time I love it. I'm kinda rambling so bye.)