Secretly Loving You- Justin Bieber

Chapter Thirteen

*warning, strong use of language and some upsetting content*

Tuka's P.O.V
As we walked through the hotel, the fans screams heard throughout the place. I found my room quickly, Justin following me inside. I grabbed the room with the balcony, earning a groan from Justin. I rolled my eyes, placing my suitcase on the bed. "We've got practice in a few.." Justin mumbled by the door, making me jump out of my skin. "O-Okay" I stuttered, sitting on the bed. For some reason, I didn't feel like talking to Justin, or even look at him. What was the point? Every time I look at him, it reminds me of everything we shared, everything we did. It's not fair, I shouldn't be feeling this, I shouldn't be like that. I felt my heart start to race, as my breath became short. My eyes started to water as I tried to calm myself down. But it didn't work. Justin stood in the doorway, suddenly realising what was happening. He knelt beside me, cursing and hissing to himself as he took ahold of my chin. "Tuka breathe!" He exclaimed, running his fingers through my hair. But that only made me panic more. My stomach clenched and my chest grew tighter as the tears were now flowing down my face. I looked up at Justin, seeing the panic in his eyes as his hands shakily took hold of my face. I shut my eyes closed, trying my best to block out everything and anything, but it was no use. "Tuka, listen to me! Stay with me!" He shouted, a single tear rolling down his cheek. I felt my chest loosen up, a gasp escaping my lips as I started to choke slightly. "Tuka.." His body was still shaking as he bit his bottom lip. "J-Justin.." I stuttered, feeling my body slowly calm itself down. I don't know what brought it on, or why it happened, but it just did. "Are you okay?" He whispered, running his fingers down my cheeks. I just nodded, shooting him a small smile before trying to push myself up, but he pulled me back down. I frowned at him as he rushed into the other room, soon returning with a glass of water. "Drink this, then we'll go okay?" He smiled, but I could tell he was broken.

I could always tell. His smile showed happiness but his eyes showed pain. I never really understood how he hid it so much. When tour first started, you could tell he was hurt. Hurt by the media, by the hate. Everything seemed to go downhill after.. Avalana. I don't remember much about her, because I never saw her but I know Justin loved her to pieces. I remember the day that we had to tell him, she was gone. It was about 10 in the morning, and everyone was waiting for Justin. He walked in as everyone fell silent. He knew what had happened, that's when I saw the light go out in his eyes. Then Selena started to play games, the weed scam, being late, fighting with the paparazzi, having the wort birthday. This wasn't something that happened. The media have broken him, and I seem to be the only one who can see it. "Tuka?" Justin waved his hand in front of my eyes, snapping me out of my thoughts. I chuckled to myself, drinking the last of my water before grabbing my jacket. We walked through the hotel lobby, hearing the crowd scream. I noticed Justin looked outside, before his whole body tensed. I squeezed his arm tightly, letting him know I was there before the doors opened. That's when I heard the abuse everyone was throwing at him, that's when I knew, this was why he was so broken. "Twat!" "Faggot" "gay!" "Fuck off back to America!" I felt tears hit my eyes as I heard the harsh words get spat towards him. Constantly tugging at his clothes, calling him names that I don't even want to repeat. We hopped inside the car that was awaiting outside, Justin allowing me in first before himself. The door slammed shut and the driver sped off quickly. I looked towards Justin, his jaw clenching tightly. "Ignore it.. Please.." I pleaded, placing my hands over his. He looked down at them, smiling to himself before shaking his head. "It don't bother me.." He lied, looking out the window to avoid eye contact. It hurt me seeing him break in front of my own eyes. I can't even do anything.

Justin's P.O.V
"I love you, goodnight!" I shouted towards the crowd, feeling the hype and happiness drain out of me as I walked towards my dressing room. Tuka stopping and talking to Fredo straight after. She's been a big help lately, it's weird. I walked past everyone, seeing all their happy faces. Why can't I be that happy? Why can't I fly through my career without anyone judging me? Since I was 15, they've been spitting hash words at me, making me feel worthless like the rest. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I'm a bad person. It's hard, growing up in front of the media. You have so many expectations to live up to, so many things you have to do to become a good person. I've done no wrong, not until everything went downhill. I guess, everything is too much. Trying to grow up to become a good man, but constantly being judged by the media, and having to push my way through the rumours. It's hard. Every single time a new rumour comes out, I see tweets about my fans leaving, how they think I'm a bad person. But they don't understand how it feels. To know someone had given up on you. It hurts. If I'm honest, I haven't been myself lately. I know that. I can't admit it to myself but it's true. I can't keep fighting against the world. As I walked into my dressing room, I grabbed my jacket, rummaging through the pockets until I found what I was looking for. The bottle labeled 'antidepressants' across the front in bright red. No one knows about this. No one knows I've been diagnosed. I've kept it away from everyone, knowing it would just make things worse. As I shook a pill out I placed it into my mouth, shutting the bottle closed before burying it back into my jacket. I heard someone cough from behind me, sending shock waves throughout my body. I turned around, seeing Tuka standing there looking down at her feet. I cursed under my breath, plastering a smile on my face. "We'll talk later.." She mumbled, spinning on her heels before heading out the door. "Shit" I muttered to myself, sitting on the sofa. I put my head in my hands, feeling everything go numb. When did my life become one big mess? When did everything suddenly go down hill? When did I, become me?----------------

"Justin..." Tuka mumbled as soon as we stepped inside the hotel, everyone else around us organising which club we were going to tonight. I couldn't care less which one we went to, I just needed a drink. We headed up towards our room, Tuka walking in first before I slammed the door behind me, ignoring the fact that she was there as I walked into my room. I sat on the edge of my bed, flicking through my phone until I found Selena's number.

*To: Selena,
Hey baby, 1 show down 5 more to go! I miss you so much!
Justin <3*

"Justin we need to talk.." Tuka mumbled once more, standing in the doorway. I don't know what came over me, whether it was because of everything people had been saying today, or wether I was just plain tired. But I snapped, something inside of me just... Snapped. "I was diagnosed with depression about 4 months ago Tuka! Four fucking months and you only notice now?" I shouted, standing up from my place. Her eyes widened as her mouth hung open in shock. "I-I knew there was s-something I-I just didn't say anything.." She stuttered, moving back away from me as I moved forwards. I chuckled coldly, feeling everything come back. "You wanna know why I kept it from everyone huh? You wanna know why? Because I can't be myself anymore! I can't be the Justin I want to be! Jesus Tuka I can't do this anymore!!" I shouted, pushing myself past her, making my way to the door. "Justin!" She screamed, bringing me to a halt. I turned on my heels, facing her as she spoke. "Don't go.. Don't because you'll do something stupid.." She pleaded, only making me more angry. It's like she doesn't trust me, it's like no one trusts me. "I'll do what I want.." I spat, pushing myself through the door, making sure to slam it behind me. I don't care anymore, why should I?

Selena's P.O.V
"When do you want this done miss Gomez?" The manly voice rang through the phone. I smirked to myself, looking down the calendar. My eyes catching a date, January 14th, perfect right? Before he goes on holiday. "January 14th.." I chuckled, thinking of what the outcome is going to be. You see, I've canceled the last leg of my tour. Why? To 'spend time with Justin' but, that won't happen. No way. He's broken me before, hurt me. You see, a while back in 2011, me and Justin had one of the biggest arguments we've ever had. He was messaging other girls, and constantly ignoring me. Of course I was trying my best to get my singing career to fly, but having trouble. After a while things started to get better, and we stayed with each other. Until I cheated on him of course. But why? Well, I wanted to get revenge, nothing more nothing less. But since that... That girl Tuka has come along, Justin has been different. He isn't the same poor Justin. That's why I'm planning something special. A little something to bring them both down. I'm sorry guys, but a girls gotta do, what a girls gotta do. Ill get away with it of course, because there will be no traces back to me. Good luck Tuka, you're going to need it.