Thoughts of a teenage girl | Story of Lirah

9:I

There's a quote that reads, "Maybe my actions told everyone I wasn't a true friend but the truth is. I still love you with all of my heart." I don't know who wrote it, I wish I did so I give whoever it is a hug. Some people, really need those. Some people really need a person in their lives to tell them that it's okay that they are loved and that everything happens for a reason. I understand that some people don't have that. I understand that some people are alone and they are beating themselves up about it. And I really want to be that person for everyone who crosses my path. Meaning I have open arms for anyone who needs someone to talk to, someone to tell them that its going to be okay. Because I know what it feels like to be alone hiding in your own shadow. And I don't want that feeling for anyone else. Because I know it sucks. However, it doesn't suck so much when you have someone around to help you back on your feet and to help you face your fear of the world. Honestly, when people ask me what I want to be when I grow up I want to say, "All I want is to leave a mark on people, I wan't people too look back and think, 'Hey that girl who was hurting so much pushed herself to her limits to help me. And I am truly blessed.' "  I've helped so many people no commit suicide just by sending a little note. I helped people calm down from panic attacks and relapses. I barely had someone like that. And the only reason that is is because I have a weird thing where I have to keep my feelings to myself. I know people who can talk on and on about stuff that's going on in their lives like boys or girls and books and feelings and all this stuff. And it's rare that I'll state my opinion or tell them what's going on in my life. Reason being is because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the person not caring or just not listening. I don't want to be a burden on someone, or that girl who cares only about herself. I'm not that girl, but I'm afraid that I'll seem like that girl if I actually state my opinion or talk about myself. I only do this if I'm meeting someone new, or talking to someone I know, knows I'm not a burden or that girl. To this day, I don't know why I feel this way, nor don't I know how to fix it. So I just let it control me. But trust me, if I open up to you, your a special person. Meaning I trust you, and I know you wont hurt me. However, people change. People become distant and don't strive to keep the friendship connected. I guess sometimes I have to accept the fact that some people aren't who they seem. Honestly, I only have two close friends, my bestfriendthatIwishwasmyboyfriend and my Aunty. And I just met this person velvetthoughts so shout out to her. Keep being awesome. Anyway, I try not to be ashamed of the amount of friends that I have.

I actually wanted to address how much I related to the quote. I honestly lost a lot of friends for unknown reasons. And most of the time I get blamed. It really sucks to lose someone so special to your heart and not know the reason. I really had enough of it. I don't like hurting people but it feels like that's all I do when I get close with a person. Like my best friend Kenndall, honestly she was first person who I could actually call my best friend. Anyway, we became best friends for over a year and all of a sudden my parents told me to become distant with her because they didn't want my "Gayness" to rub off on her. My parents said they knew Kenndall was a sweet girl and they didn't want her to be a sin like me a guess. Anyway, Kenndall always asked to hang out at the mall or something which we always did. But I had to tell her no. She was confused and one day asked why. I told her why and soon enough she just stopped talking to me. We talk from time to time but that it's. Last time we talked was last year in  July. We haven't really been the same since I told her no the last time. And that honestly really sucks.I have to do what my parents say because I live under their house and under their rules. I beat myself up for hurting Kenndall but their was nothing I could do. After a while she gave up on me. I tried my best to keep the friendship connected but she just couldn't deal with it I guess. To this day, I miss her and love her. Still there was nothing I could do. And I'm honestly afraid of that happening with everyone else I met after her. Even with mybestfriendthatIwishwasmyboyfriend. When I first met him I had to tell myself to not get to attached but my stupid self did. And now I'm in love with him and I'll do anything to make him happy. However sort of the same thing happend that happend with Kenndall just for unknown reasons. But me and him have a better chance of getting past it. So I try not to worry about it to much.Anyway, yeah. I'm a weak little fuck most of the time, and over time I've accepted that.

 Sorry for the irreverent rant. I just felt like it needed to be addressed.

-Lirah N.Y

Note:I don't know when I'll update this again. I feel like I wont feel up to it tomorrow. Please bare with me. 

Note again: I didn't proofread this so sorry if there are any mistakes.