23:W

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I have this weird effing habit where I will rock my own self to sleep or when I'm just laying down or something, I will rock myself. And for some reason, it honestly makes me comfortable.And I didn't really realize that I did that until someone pointed it out. I was sleeping over my grandmothers house and me and her daughter were sharing a bed or whatever (this was a couple of years ago). When it was pass our bed time, I slept one one side of the bed and she slept on the other. About 15 minutes into us trying to sleep, her daughter sits up and says, "Can you stop rocking the bed? It's irritating." And I was  like, "Huh? I'm not trying to...." And she got sassy with me and said some other stuff but I tried so hard that night not to move, I don't even remember if I was successful. But anyway yeah, I'm weird...Don't judge me, embrace my weirdness.

Last summer, me and a couple of friends of mine went to this place called Hines Park. Which is like some out door trail or something I don't know. Anyway, we went there last summer and it was one of the best time's of my life. I don't get out much, but when I do I remember them. Anyway, we ended up like running through the woods, and drinking from those things that come out of the ground to water the grass, and I got a million and three back rides from one of my best friends, and we seen toads, and a female deer up close, I watched my friend take a pee in the woods cause she was scared to be by herself. Ugh! We just had a really good time. And we even had like a sex education talk or something like that as we walked this trail. And It's something that I'll always remember. It was four of us, Me, my best friend's Tayler and Jaylen, and my other friend Simone. I'll never forget that day. And I'll never forget my friends either.

I feel like last summer was the most I was social in my entire life. I can't really explain it though...I only had three close friends at the time, it was just everyone else around me started talking to me, just cause I had "so many" friends. At least that's what they say, one of my sisters friends told me that I was popular. And it's funny how she told me that last year, but a few days ago she said, "Lirah, are you lonely? Are you okay?" And I honestly didn't know what to say to her. My friends are gone now and I miss them so much. I legit never go outside anymore because I have nobody to talk or laugh with. Just to be laughed at because I'm apparently lonely now. But that's okay, I'm used to it. Plus, I still have my baby to talk to me. And that's all that really matters.♥


Also, these past few nights have been sleepless. I can't sleep anymore like I used to. And I think it's because of stress and some other things. I feel the insomnia creeping up on me. I looked up on the internet, and it said that people with mental disorders are more likely to have episodes of insomnia. So that would just makes since right? Another thing, I'm always tired though, no matter how much sleep I get. I always feel the need to nap, sleep, or just even to rest my eyes (which I'm doing 80% of the time). I really don't want insomnia again...For reasons, I can't even explain. But I can try...

I guess sleep is a safe place to me. I can dream, and be calm and not have to face anything for 8 hours straight. It's like hiding in a dark shell or something. I don't have to see or hear and think about anything in reality. It's safe to sleep, and it's almost the only safe place I have (Besides the arms of the one I love but the shitty thing is, I can't even make it there). But when Insomnia kicks in, it stops me from being in my safe place. It leaves me in the middle of the night, surrounded by silence. Surrounded by the stupid voices and demons and thoughts. Night is where it all decides to let lose, unless I'm asleep. And maybe that's why I'm afraid to stay up to late, maybe that's why I got to bed early most of the time. I don't really understand it. And I don't know if you (whoever you may be) understand this either. 


About two year's ago, I wrote a book sort of like this. But I unpublished it. It was just real emotional and messed up. I had a weird way with words and reading it back to myself I realized that I could hurt someone by piling all of my feelings into a book and having anyone at any age reading it. Like that kind of stuff could really effect a person, so yeah that's why I unpublished it. 

Anyway, I actually haven't been updating this because I couldn't really find anything positive to write about. I only have a couple of chapter's left to write and I didn't want to end this book with a depressing note you know? 

So Recently, I started attending a brick and mortar driving school. And it seems like I don't fit in at all. Like I mean everyone is taller than me of course, everyone is older than me duh, and like I just don't fit in with any conversation. Like the chicks stand in the corner going, "Oh my gowd, girl do you see what blah blah posted on his snap chat? Giirrrl you gotta check it out, he's completely nude I know it! *Fake giggles nonstop*" And then the dudes all face each other in their desks and go, "Hey bros, did you watch the super bowl this weekend? Yeah! It was so lit! *Football language that I don't understand*" Then there's me, "*Sits in my desk listening to everyone else conversation and writes poems*" I feel like a total outcast. It should be normal by now, but I still feel like an alien. 

Fun fact, 18 years ago on Valentines day, my parents started dating. Who would have thought that they would last this long?

I guess I'll end this chapter here. I don't know of anything else that I could write about. I have barely any inspiration to write. I'll look up inspirational videos on Youtube, or is that too desperate?

-Lirah (N.Y) 


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