Thoughts of a teenage girl | Story of Lirah

17:Q

I swear,this morning I thought that Pengy was sleeping right next to me. I woke up super excited. But it was just my imagination. I then started to cry, because I woke up alone yet again. Like I was really crying. He wasn't there to hold me, to lightly kiss my neck, to quietly snore next to me, to wake me up with kisses down my chest. It wasn't real. And when I came back to reality I began to cry. Distance hurts me, more than love itself. I hate being so far from him, I really hate it. I would give anything to make that distance disappear. When I go out and I see young couples holding hands or making out at the park I get a rush of jealousy but also happiness. Jealousy, because other people have their lover with them in their arms and I don't. Happiness because I will soon be with him and it's worth the wait. But writing 'Your Love Is Killing Me' makes me think about our distance more than ever. I think if we lived closer to each other, we could be genuinely happy together. The most frustrating thing is, he's single in a way only because of our distance. And he could totally give up on us, and move on to someone else, he could totally do that just to protect himself from pain. And the scary thing is, I would be proud of him if he did. Because he's so special to me, I think that he deserves someone who can really hold him at night, and talk to him 24/7, someone who can kiss him when his upset, someone who can make him genuinely happy. Sometimes I feel like I cause him more pain than happiness, and it sucks to know that it's true. I feel like I'm hurting him. But I seriously do all I can to make him happy, while he's still around. I know it's rude of me to think of him forgetting about me for someone else, but it can happen and I can't act like everything is so perfect cause it's not. Not yet at least.

That got so emotional I didn't mean for it to be like that sorry.

I have a fear of very hot oil for some reason. It scares the crap out of me, like the sound of hot oil gives me weird shivers on my arms. I don't know random.

It snowed last night, I was to tired to sit out on the balcony but I did sit by the window while I updated stuff on watt-pad so I guess that sort of counts. 

Fun fact, I have never been on a date. I don't know what it's like to dress up for someone or going out to dinner with someone I like, or walking around a park with someone I like, or just attending a party with someone as my date. Tell me what it's like if you know.

Another thing, I have a Letterman Jacket with my name on it, Cause I'm cool like dat.

I also have a twenty one pilots Journal that I decorated myself. There's a quote on there that reads, "Faith is to be awake and to be awake is for us to think and for us to think is to be alive and I will try with every rhyme to come across like I am dying to let you know you need to try to think." I wrote it on the cover it looks pretty dope. And on the back I wrote the blue, black, and red twenty one pilots logo. I really like it, I have two pages for my savings log,I've got a fMA page, I've got two pages dedicated to Pengy, Pages with quotes from my favorite book, a page with Henna drawings, a page with top ten Songs, a LGBTQ page, and  a page with a picture of me and my dad when I was a baby in a blue heart picture frame.  It's really creative. 

My favorite form to write in is letter form. I feel like nobody writes letters to one another anymore ever since instant messaging came alone. I feel like if two people were to write to each other it would be genuine and straight from the heart. You know, they took 30 minutes or more out of their day to write a letter, whether it's heart felt or just saying hello. You know?

My highest clean record is 4 months. I really hope that one day I can beat that.

-Lirah. (N.Y)

Note: Check out Thoughts of a teenage boy | Story of Chris on ChristianM18

Note again: I'm not wearing any socks right now, nor do I have on my glasses. I started this day so bad. I need to get back on track.