Thoughts of a teenage girl | Story of Lirah

22:V

I found my old journal from last year last night. And I thought I would share with you what I found.

So first thing I stared a little bullet journal type thing you know.I had the date, my goal for that day, tasks I wanted to complete notes, food log and things to write down. And for some reason I kept track with  the number of scars I had. The highest it goes up too is 21 scars and counting clean record zero days on June 3rd 2016. As I was reading this,it seems I could only keep clean for no more than two days, and then I would give up again. The sad part about it is that I'm still the same except I've learned to keep clean for a little longer than two months so that's good. I guess it was good that I wrote this stuff down because now that I'm looking back on it all, I realized how messed up I was. And now I'm comparing my life then to my life now. And I honestly, feel as if I have my weak spots and my strong spots now. 

I also found short stories me and my best friend used to write. I would write the beginning and he would write then end and vise versa. They were good too, some were silly, some were cute, some were just down right weird. And it's great that I still have these because this best friend that i speak of, he moved last year and he didn't even say anything to me. He just left. And I haven't talked to him since November 23rd. And it really hurts to walk past his house and know that he's gone. And I'll most likely never talk to him again. Him and his sister were true friends to me. And they just left. But anyway, that's besides the point. 

Here's a journal entry I wrote a while ago:

I thought that if you forgot all the bad things that happend to you it was inevitable that you would forget all of the good things too. I never thought that focusing so much on the bad thing would attract depression. I hate being sad all of the time. Trying to ignore all of the bad stuff going through my mind like, "You're not good enough" and  "It's all your fault" or "You don't belong here" It really hurts being sad. I smile even though I don't mean it. I hate myself so much. All this self confidence stuff is useless to me. I am not capable of feeling anything but pain and sadness.

It surprises me that those are my own words, I didn't get that off line. It was all me, and I meant every words of it. 

I also wrote a ton of poems that're actually really interesting. 

Here's a few,

When he smiles at me I smile back

When he makes a stupid joke I laugh at that

I may smile when he's around bu...

That proves nothing, a smile means nothing

I don't want him to see how I am inside

the hurt, the pain, the hate, the constant fear.

I hide it all under a simple smile.- Private Z

Inadvisability, a symbol of her beauty

though she hides under a smile

she is most differently worth your while

Her personality shine like sun rats

Even thought she pretends as someone else

But deep down she is outstandingly  Beautiful- Private Z

I guess I thought it would be nice to share what was in my journal last year. I was going through a lot, I had just lost friends close to me, I had just came out to my parents as queer, I don't know. I was just in a tough spot in my life.It's pretty cool to look back and see what was going on you know? I actually keep a lot of journals for that reason. I've got a smash journal which is where I just color stuff and put it in there. It's kind of like a silly journal. I have a bullet journal where I log my daily life, I have a writing journal where I write whats on my mind and stuff. I think most people should have a journal, I think it'll be important for people to read it later on down the road. So yeah I guess that's my advise to you guys. Good luck!♥

-Lirah (N.Y)

Note: Sorry for all the depressing chapters I promise the next few will be much more up beat. 

Another note: I'm lactose intolerant, I can't really drink milk or eat ice cream or my stomach will hurt badly. :(