Tell Me Why "It" Hurts - A Scömìche Fanfiction

Coping

With Scott's help, I learned my coping mechanism for every time I felt I was going to have an attack. We practiced until I could practically do it in my sleep. My code word was "It" and if I was by myself I would shake my arms until my heart rate went down. Scott had asked me if I wanted to get a therapist and I told him no. I told him that I could do it on my own and that I would get better. I told him that his help was enough for me. I told him that I would be alright.

Little did we both know, but I was wrong. Very wrong.

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Once, Scott went on a trip so I stayed with Kirstie at her house. I was nervous. I never liked to be away from Scott. Kirstie told me that we could FaceTime or text Scott anytime I wanted to. Anytime I was feeling anxious or scared. I loved Kirstie, and she helped me a lot but there was nothing anyone could do when I had the big panic attack.

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I was on the couch snuggling with Kirstie and holding Wyatt in my arms. Then I thought, What if Scott doesn't come back. My heart rate increased and I began to sweat. I breathed heavily. "Are you alright sweetie?" Kirstie asked. "Uh, yeah." I said panting. Scott abandoned you... My thoughts told me. "No." I said sitting up straight. I shook my hands just like Scott and I had practiced weeks before. I breathed deeply. With each exhale I whispered "It." "Mitch, are you okay?" Kirstie asked me again. "No." I replied. "I am not okay." I heaved. Kirstie sat up and rubbed my shaking arms. "Deep breath sweetie. Deep breath. It's okay. Deep breath." She said.

I tried to do what she said but I couldn't. My mind was spinning and I felt like I was going to faint. I looked at Kirstie, there were tears in her eyes. "You're okay sweetie. I'm gonna call Scott. You're okay." Kirstie grabbed her phone and pulled up the FaceTime app. She called Scott. "Hello?" I heard from the phone. "Hi, Mitchie's having a panic attack." Kirstie said. "Show him to me." Scott commanded. Kirstie tilted the phone towards me and I looked at Scott's distressed expression which I hated. I was about to faint but I held on. Something deep down, underneath everything told me I had to. It was then that I understood what Scott had told me weeks ago. Kirstie was rubbing my back as I took shaky breaths. Seeing Scott was helping. "You're okay Mitchie you're okay. Just deep breaths." I leaned back into the couch, releasing all of the tightness in my chest that was preventing me from breathing. I looked from Kirstie to Scott. Tears that were streaming down my face blurred my vision. Then I face planted into Kirstie's chest and wept. I cried because I missed Scott, I cried because I was so glad to be back, I cried because I loved Kirstie and was so grateful for everything she had done for me. I cried because I was broken and all I could do was cope.