If ...

Chapter 17

A/n : I cried my eyes out writing this chapter and i do not cry while writing or reading my story , so this was a first one . I hope that you guys will feel the emotions in this chapters just like i did .

Tell me what you think and let me know of the feelings are there . xx

Don't forget to vote and comment ♡

" I can't take it anymore " i start sobbing

"It's too much , i know i deserve it , but i can't do this anymore , i feel as my heart is getting ripped , stabbed and stomped on , all at once over and over again " i put my hand over my chest as if it's going to ease the pain .

He starts to rub his hand up and down my back in a comforting way .

"Just let it all out " he whispers

"I haven't cried since the funeral you know ? Nothing , not one single tear , even if i am alone , i never cried "

I look up at him and by his reaction i can tell that the walls that i have been building are down now and he can see the amount of pain i am going through .

" Do you know how does  it feel like to kill someone ? " i ask him , and he looks taken back by my bold question. But doesn't say anything .

" I do " wiping my face with my soaked sleeve . But that didn't help because the tears wouldn't stop .

" I killed someone . Not just any someone , I killed my own brother , my own flesh and blood , do you know how hard it is to live every single day knowing that it is because of you that someone is not here anymore . How does it feel to wake up every single morning knowing that you have the chance to live this day and do something , while that person won't be able to see the daylight anymore " My body starts shaking with every single confession .

" He was my twin you know ? He was the one who was always with me when no one was . You know that feeling you get when you know that you are not alone there is always someone behind you who will always catch you when you fall ? Well that was andrew for me "

With every single word that escapes my mouth the pain in my chest increases and decreases at the same time i don't know if that's even possible .

" He was the exact opposite of me . While i was studying , reading a novel or watching a movie , he would be out all night partying , messing with girls , keeping his bad boy reputation " i laugh and shake my head

Zac gives me a small sympathetic smile

" I was always the one to go out after him and get him home safely , that was the only thing i had to do " i clench my fists from the anger that is building inside me , the anger towards myself .

" In high school the parties he went to were not as wild as the frat parties he showed up to at college , and the main reason was my dad's health that was scrambling day by day . Every time we would find a donor he would be either incompatible or he would die . And that was the reason he went out and drank that night until he couldn't even walk " i screw my eyes shut and held my chest tighter .

" Zayn , Gi's boyfriend , andrew's best friend , and my ex-best friend who despise me now because i took the life of his brother , called me that night and asked me to come get andrew because he was shitfaced and he himself have drank so he couldn't drive " a lump in my throat begins to form .

" It was an esay task to do , get andrew and go back home .Safe. and i couldn't do that , i couldn't make sure my brother is safe "

" We had learned that day that the doctors are losing all hopes , they can't list him for anymore donors . They were giving up on him , andrew couldn't take it , he has been so tough for us , all of us . Mom was no longer the women i looked up to , she just didn't care anymore ,she would stay late at night , took double the business trips she used to . Andrew was my rock , he was the thread that kept my life together and i torned it "

The lump in my throat grew and it suffocated me

"We can stop here , it's okay kendall " zac's soft voice says

I shake my head no .

" the last thing he said to me was i love you kenny ." After the words escaped my mouth , i slided to the floor and placed my head between my knees .

"Why did i have to kill him ? Why couldn't I turn that damn steering wheel . If only I didn't let him go out that night . If only I didn't go after him . He would still be here with me , i would be okay , i would ... " my anger resurfaced and i lost it , " I should be the one dead , ME , not him , me , i killed him i should be dead , i should be de.." zac gripped me by the shoulders and before he could speak a voice beat him to it

" STOP " the voice said from the door

I look up to be met with bloodshot grey eyes

"Stop it ! You know that is not true ! If he was here he would have been so upset with you for thinking this , you know he would have killed himself if something happened to you " she pauses and walks towards me " kendall you are the only thing that is keeping sane now , i am about to lose it , he was everything to me , i can't stand life without him , i am trying to live , because i know that's what he would want me to do . Want us to do . "

I look at her surprised by the words she said and hugged her.

I let it all out .

I know cara never talked about andrew , she never cried in front of us , but i could hear her sobbing at night .

Not like i did.

Minutes passed and we were both silently crying on each others shoulder .

"I - i'm going to leave you for now " i have forgotten that zac is still here .

" No i'm leaving " cara unwrapped her arms from around me " the apartment door was wide open and you weren't there , I saw zac's door open and i came here " she explains wipping her eyes .

After that she left .

I look at zac and he shots me small smile " it's going to be okay . you are going to be okay . Don't worry " he says and wraps his arm around me .

We stay like that for a while . After my breakdown is done .

Zac looks at me and says with a serious tone

"Now you are going to listen to me ..."