"Now you are going to listen to me , it is not your fault , it is not your fault " his tone is serious to the extreme
"You do not know that " i look up at him
"Don't interrupt me please . And i do know that it wasn't your fault ."
"I don't know about you , but i believe in an upper power , God . I believe that nothing happens without a reason. If you went that night to get him it was for a reason , who knows maybe if you didn't go something worse would have happened "
His words sooths me but i can't help but say
" something worse than killing my brother ? "
"Kendall if you interrupt me again i swear to god .."
" sorry i won't " i whisper not giving him the chance to finish his sentence
" i hate it when people interrupt me " he sighs
" i know i am not making any sense , but believe me when i say it was meant to be . You should not blame yourself for something that you can do nothing about . What's done is done . You can't stop living because of the events of one single night . Yes , I know it's hard , I know he is your brother and that you feel guilty . But you should not , if you let this guilt control you it will eat you alive and suck the life out of you , kendall it is not your fault ."
He squeezes my hand in an assuring squeeze , his words starts to sink in my brain
"I miss him so much that it hurts , it really hurts , I want him back , is that much to ask ? I want my brother back , I want my brother back " The tears that i finally managed to stop , started pouring on my face again , my lips began trumbling , and my body shaking .
I kept on all these emotions inside for too long .
" You are the strongest person I ever met , and trust me I am a doctor , I have met a lot of strong people who endured shit , but no one like you kendall , your life scrambled down in a matter of weeks and here you are , smiling , well not now " he smiles and I can't help but let a small laugh
" You are surviving kendall , you will make it , I promise you that you will be okay " I look down and he tilts my head up so that I am looking at him " it may seem hard now , but for a girl that smiles and laughs with strangers , me , " he smile " and gives her kindness to everyone , is a girl that will make it , I believe that , I believe in you kendall"
"Thank you zac " I manage to say between my sobs .
" I am a mess , here I am crying and mopping in my neighbour's apartment , whom I just met three days ago " I wipe my face with my already soaked sleeves .
Somehow I managed to stop the tears . I never thought talking out loud would be this helpful .
" I thought we were past the neighbour thing , I thought I was your friend " he pouts and fakes hurts placing his palm against his chest
" We are " I laugh at his childish behavior .
" I should go check on cara , she wasn't - isn't doing well " I say
" Yeah , she was his girlfriend , was she ? " he asks cautiously
" no she wasn't " I smile remembering the times andrew you used to do anything just so he can speak or hung out with cara .
" They both loved each other but weren't together " i breath " it was complicated , they didn't have the guts to admit their feelings i guess" i say heading for the door
" you mean they had a crush on each other " zac's voice follows me
" No I mean head over heels totally in love with each other " I make my way towards my apartment"s door
"That's messed up " he ruffles his hair
"They are " I smile
" I better let you go inside to your friend , she needs you , and if you need anything , knock on my door , you know where it is " he says and I get the feeling that he is not talking about today
"I will and thank you so much , I am fine "
"Which is in girls's language i am not fine " zac archs a brow at me
" I will be okay , it helped " i smile and wrap my arms around him
"Thank you really " i tell him again
"Good night kendoll " he says then get in his apartment .
I enter my apartment and head to cara's room , I push the door open and my hearts sinks at the sight in front of me .
Cara is passed out on the bed , tear stained cheeks , wearing andrew's football jersey and hugging his picture .
I take away the frame from her hand and pull a blanket on her .
She never appealed the way she did today .
She needs help just like i do .
I pad to my room , I am exhausted to do anything . It has been an exhausting day . I am drained .
This morning's meeting with cristiano feels like it was days ago .
Who knew crying can be this tiring .
I take my tear stained hoodie off and change into one of andrews t-shirt .
I get in my bed and wait for sleep to take over my tired body .
I never thought admitting and getting scowled at can take the weight off my shoulders .
I close my eyes and memories of the good old days where everything was fine invades my mind .
Flashback ...
YOU ARE READING
If ...
FanfictionRemember that if he was still alive you wouldn't be here in spain , you wouldn't have went to the bernabeu , I wouldn't have met you , you wouldn't be here in this right moment , and I wouldn't havee been able to do this " he whispers the last part...
