He's My Cousin!

[Ch.37] Patched Up

[Ch. 37]: Patched Up

// Ayanna's Point of View

“Are you all right? You don’t look okay, anak,” nag-aalalang sabi sa akin ni mama.

“Just tired,” I told mama as I lean down to kiss her cheek. Naka-uwi na siya ng Pilipinas noong nakaraang linggo habang si papa ay naiwan pa rin sa Singapore. Mas kailangan daw kasi nilang tutukan ‘yung bagong branch nila roon.

Minsan gusto kong isipin na mas okay kung wala sina mama at papa rito dahil ‘pag nandito sila, mas lalo akong nakararamdam ng pagkakonsensya nang dahil sa naging relasyon namin ng pinsan ko kaso naman, namimiss ko rin sila. I missed my good old days with them. It had been a long time since I had a bonding with the two of them.

“Sigurado ka? Si Paolo? Kumain na ba kayo?” she asked.

“Opo. Nasa labas po, kinukuha ‘yung gamit namin. Aakyat na muna ako. Nakakapagod ang biyahe,” I reasoned out.

Si Paolo ay nasa labas pa dahil inaayos niya ‘yung mga gamit namin. I didn’t mind giving him a hand. Nakaloloko lang kung gagawin ko iyon at wala ako sa mood para makipaglokohan at magpanggap na okay lang ang lahat. I can’t just do that. It was hard for me to know that he was letting me go. Masakit. At mas lalong masakit na sa araw-araw ay makikita ko pa rin siya.

Umakyat na ako sa kwarto ko at nahiga sa kama ko. It had been almost a week since I lay down on my own bed. I then found myself staring blankly on the ceiling.

Marami na ang nangyari. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba ako nasasaktan nang ganito ngayon kahit na dati naman noong nagkipaghiwalay ako sa kanya ay natanggap ko nang wala talaga kaming maganda kahihinatnanan… Way back then, I was ready—or at least I thought I was—to see him every single day, steal glances from him, love him secretly—tanggapin… pero ngayon, ang sakit-sakit. Though I have seen it coming, masakit pa rin. It was getting too much to bear.

The truth is, it’s hard to accept everything right now because I knew that if only we’re not caught in a situation like this, we could have been the happiest. It could have been perfect. Masakit kasi na naiparamdam niya sa akin sa San Fabian ‘yung pakiramdam na kung ano sana kami kung hindi lang kami naging mag-pinsan. There, he let me feel what it could have been to be genuinely happy. There, I lived the life with him I wished I had.

I knew it then that even if I was an arse for saying ‘yes’ to Ian even if I didn’t love him, even if I kept a secret to my parents, even if I indulged myself into what others believe as immoral—I still do have a heart. Because right now, I feel it—within me—it’s breaking apart.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras na ang nakalipas na nakatulala lang ako nang nagring ang cell phone ko. I extended my arms to get my phone.

“Hello,” sagot ko sa tumatawag nang hindi man lamang tsine-check kung sino iyon.

“Bes, nasa Manila ka na ba?” With that, I knew it was Ella. I missed her so much, but I didn’t want to see her for now. Ayokong makita niya akong ganito. Ayokong malaman niyang may mali sa akin. I knew she’ll know if something’s wrong with me. Best friend ko siya, e.