We Are Of The Reckless Kind

10

I have always been afraid to show my fears.

I have always thought that if I show my fears, they will only come true. And being the coward I am, I have never shown my fears to anyone.

And here I am now, in my room, writing them down on paper.

My phone brought me back to reality.

"What do you want, Luke?"

"Well aren't you in a bad mood."

"Maybe."

"What happened?" he sounds concerned.

"Nothing, Luke, don't worry about it. I'm just writing an assignment in my room." Not.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm okay."

"Well, okay. I just wanted to check up on you."

"I'm not suicidal, Luke." I laughed.

"I know, I just... Never mind. I'll let you get back to your assignment."

"Is... Is something wrong Luke?"

"No, it's just that I'm alone in this old ass house and I just wanted to hear your voice."

I had the biggest grin you could imagine on my face.

"Luke, I would come to your house, but I really need to finish this."

"No, it's okay. Can we just talk for a few minutes?"

"Yeah, sure.''

''What is your assignment about?''

Oh, crap.

''Um, Africa?''

What? I panicked.

He laughed. ''Is that a question or an answer?''

''Um, both?''

Hazel Winters, everybody.

''Look Hazel, I can tell when you're lying.''

''I'm just writing some of my thoughts down on paper.''

''Well, I'll have to read them one day.''

''One day. Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not.''

He laughed. ''Hazel Winters, you know me and you know I'll get my hands on them sooner or later.'' He's right.

''Well, I'll let you get back to writing down your thoughts. Come to my house when you're done.''

''Okay. See you later.''

So let me continue.

The one thing I fear the most is oblivion.

I have this fear of not knowing what's happening around me all the time. I feel like there will be a time in which every one of us will be forgotten. And I don't mind being forgotten, but I still want to accompish something in my life. Something good. Something that people will remember me for. Even if it's for a short period of time. Even if it's just for something small like writing a book that changed someones life. Or for something big, like finding a cure for cancer. I want people to know who I am.

And I don't mean that in the way that I just want to be famous or be on TV. I mean it in the way like I want to change the world. Even if it's one life at a time.

I keep thinking about how I still haven't gotten the balls to tell Luke that I love him.

That brings me to one of my other fears. Rejection.

I have always been afraid of rejection. Mostly because I have been rejected numerous times. And that is the reason I never spoke my mind. And right now, I am in my room, staring at my screen wondering if I will ever show this to anyone.

And I probably won't. Unless I die and someone decides to publish and sell this as my memoars.

I have been sitting here on my computer for a few hours now, trying to find the words to write down. Trying to make this perfect.

Now, that is one of my other fears. Imperfection.

I have a crucial case of the wonderful OCD. It doesn't affect me that much but it still bothers people and makes them uncomfortable. Which is why I get rejected a lot.

See? This is all connected somehow. I'm not afraid of shit for no reason.

Except for spiders. They freak me out.

I'm also afraid to love. I am afraid of being abandoned. It takes a long time for me to admit to myself that I am in love, not to mention telling that to the person I am in love with.

Which brings me back to rejection.

This is just a never ending cycle.

And I'm not sure when I'll tell Luke that I love him.

He might laugh in my face. Hell, he might even run away. And then we're back to square one.

Right now, all I know is that I'm falling in love with him. And God only knows that I'm falling way over my head.