We Are Of The Reckless Kind

20

Sex.

I bet I'm the only person that doesn't think there's much to it. I've never had a need to have sex. Okay, maybe sometimes. But it's never been on my 'life long dreams' list. Sex is just pleasure. No matter how spiritual you think it is. Don't lie to yourself. You have sex because you're horny, end of story.

I never thought sex was special. Like one time I walked into my living room and the TV was on and this sex scene was showing. I didn't think it was something special. Facinating, yes. But special, no.

Like Wikipedia says, sex is used either for pleasure or for reproduction, none of which I need right now. And I don't think it's important for my boyfriend to be a virgin. I mean, I thought Luke had already had sex, to be honest. I was fairly surprised when he said he was a virgin. I thought girls jumped him.

Guys don't really jump me, if you haven't noticed. I'm not that attractive. Though, if you asked me that 2 years ago, I would say that they are all just petty little things that don't deserve me.

My God, was I a narcissist. I used to think I was better than everyone. Well, hasn't that changed? I was so full of myself back then. I don't know what changed me. My confidence is in ruins right now, I don't think I deserve anyone because they are all better and nicer and cooler and more amazing than me. I think it's because those years of mentally destroying my brain finally took a toll on me.

I used to be fun. I used to believe in life and love. But now I just think about death a lot.

Wow, my mind goes to some places, huh? One second I'm thinking about sex and the other I'm back to death.

It's been three weeks since I sprained my ankle. It's healed completely now, much to my misfortune. I was happy being home for a week and a half. I basically just laid on the floor and did nothing. I wrote some songs while I was home sick. But they're shit.

Someone knocked on the door. ''Hazel!''

''Mom, you're just outside the door you don't need to vociferate.''

She opened the door and entered the room. ''What the hell does vociferate mean?''

''It means yell, mom.''

''You couldn't have just said yell?''

''Well, if I said yell, you wouldn't have learned the word vociferate.''

She groaned. I love it when I piss her off. ''Luke is here and me and your dad have to go somewhere. We won't be back for a few hours. Don't do anything stupid.''

I rolled my eyes. ''Do I look stupid to you?''

''Well, I don't know. You use the word vociferate.''

I laughed and she left. Luke came in a few seconds later.

''What's up, Winty?'' he said.

''Nothing much. You?''

''Well, other than your dad giving me a lesson downstairs just a couple of seconds ago, nothing much happened.''

''Oh God. What did he say now?''

''If you have sex with her, I will personally throw you in jail for harassment.'' he mocked my dad's voice.

I laughed, ''Well, that's him alright. If it makes you feel any better, I would testify for you in the trial.''

''You just saved me from collapsing, Hazel. Thank you so much.''

''Well, I wouldn't have anyone to harass me if you collapsed now, would I?'' I played along.

We stared at each other for a few seconds and then laughed. We both sat down indian style on my bed.

''Luke, what do you think of sex?''

''I don't know, really. I don't think it's that special. Frankly, I think it's just pleasure.''

''Exactly. Thank God someone understands me.''

''I don't think there's anything spiritual about it. Maybe you feel like you're flying, but the reality is that you're just laying on your bed all sweaty and disgusting.''

''And I heard it hurts like hell.''

''Well, I'm quite an expert in sex, and yes, it does hurt. And I know that it's used for pleasure and reproduction.''

I narrowed my eyes at him. ''Did you read the Wikipedia page, Hemmings?''

''Maybe.''

''Well, I see, expert in sex. I don't know if it hurts like everyone says or they're just over reacting.''

''Well, I guess we won't know until we try.''

''Luke Hemmings, are you asking me to have sex with you?''

''Well, we'll have to at some point.''

When he said that he kissed me gently. And that soon turned into a heavy makeout session. I didn't want to stop him. When he pulled out a condom I started getting nervous. Does it hurt? Do I have to do something? Because I don't shit about sex.

''Stop being so nervous. We both know jack shit about sex so it'll be awkward for the both of us.''

I laughed. ''Well, it's worse for me, Hemmings.''

''And why is that?''

''You're not having something showed up your vagina.''

He laughed. ''Well, if you don't wanna do it, we won't.''

''No, I do.''

He smiled. ''I love you.''

''I love you too.''