We Are Of The Reckless Kind

23

I've have always had the need to be accepted. Even though I have been an outcast for the entirety of my life.

I used to be antisocial. I used to plan my death every day. But, something changed in me when we moved here. I started making friends. I started, as my mother would say, 'socializing'.

I wasn't having those thoughts again. I guess Luke made up for everything that was and has been bad in my life.

Grace has her purpose in my life too. She makes me smile and laugh everyday, and that's hard to do. I can literally tell her anything, from my relationship with Luke to the most banal things like last night's quiz questions. To be honest, I wasn't looking for a friendship, or a relationship for that matter, when I came here. But I'm glad I bumped into Grace that day, and I'm glad Calum decided to talk to me that lunch, because I don't know where I would be today if that didn't happen.

Grace and I are basically the same person in a different body. We are the same in every way, especially in music taste.

Oh, my music taste. I used to listen to the normal shit today's kids listen to, but my music taste changed drastically one summer. I don't know why or how but I'm grateful it did. I listen to some damn good music.

''Hazel, are you coming downstairs?'' my mom yelled from the kitchen.

''I wasn't planning to!'' I yelled back.

My plans for today were to stay in bed and maybe watch a couple of TV shows. Like two years ago I was sick for an entire week and rewatched like 6 seasons of Friends. With no breaks. I think it should be in the Guiness Book of w

World Records or something.

''Well, if you're gonna be such a debbie downer, we're not getting you anything from McDonalds!''

''No one says debbie downer anymore, mom!''

''We're going to the mall, Hazel. With or without you.''

''Then go!''

I heard the door close downstairs and I felt kind of sad. I really wanted McDonalds. So I decided to text Luke.

are you in the mood for mcdonalds?

why, do you have some?, he replied.

no, but you can buy it

I could almost hear him sigh.

alright, i'll go get some

thank you, you're the best boyfriend ever :)

yeah, yeah

I waited for half an hour until I heard a knock on the door.

''You don't have to knock, stupid!'' I yelled.

A minute later Luke was at my bedroom door.

''It's called being nice, stupid.'' he grinned.

''Whatever. What did you get?''

''I got you a Big Mac menu and a milkshake.''

''Chocolate?''

He nodded.

''Yes! This is the happiest day of my life.'' I said and hugged him.

We basically just laid on my bed for the whole afternoon and channel surfed. Luke is not just my boyfriend, he's my best friend too. I don't know what I would do without him.

Like, what if he left me one day?

I hate relying like this on someone. He can just leave me and my whole life would be over. He is the only positivity in my life.

''Hazel?''

''Yeah?''

''Can you promise me something?''

''Sure.''

''Promise me that if anything happens to me you'll get over it. That you won't try to hurt or kill yourself.''

''Why are you saying that?''

''Cause I'm sick, Hazel.''

''What?''

He can't be sick. He can't.

''I went on an MRI scan yesterday. They found out that I have a brain tumor. It's one of deadliest tumors and I've had it for a long time.''

No. No no no no no.

I started crying and got up.

''No! You can't.. You..''

''Hazel, calm down.''

''How can you be so calm! You have a brain tumor, Luke!''

''I am very aware of that.''

''How…''

I couldn't hold it in anymore. I completely broke down.

My whole world just crashed down. He was the only thing that was keeping me sane and keeping me from breaking down.

''Hazel, sit down please.''

I sat down.

''I have glioblastoma multiforme. It turns out my mother had it too, and I got it from her.

I've had it for a long time but since my gram barely knew my mother, she never knew there was a possibility that I would be sick.''

"You can't leave me. There must be something they can do. You can try chemo, or surgery, or..."

"It's too late for chemo, Hazel. I am at the stage where I could die any minute now." he started crying too. I hate seeing him cry.

"Luke, you can't leave me. You... You promised."

"I know I did, but even if something happens to me, please find someone new. Someone who'll make you happy."

"So this is basically goodbye, huh?" I said, in between sobs.

"Hazel Winters, you are the best person I've had the pleasure of knowing in this god forsaken world. You are my light, my hope, my saving grace."

That only made me cry more, because those are's are soon gonna become were's.

"I still remember the day I first saw you. You were in a Blink t-shirt and black skinny jeans. You made an impression almost instantly. I tried to be nice to you but I only pushed you away. But I'm so glad that I got the balls to talk to you, and that faith brought us together. If you didn't come around, I would've left this hellhole even earlier. You are my little piece of heaven in this hell we call the Earth. And I'm so grateful for the time we got to spend together, even if it was short. Because every minute that I've spent with you has been the best minute of my life. And I can never thank you enough for making up for all the bad things in my life, and putting up with. I love you so much, Hazel. And leaving you will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do. But I swear, God made another one of me, to love you more than I'll ever be able to. And you'll find him. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, hell maybe years will pass until you meet him. But when you do meet him, you'll fall in love, get married and have pretty little Hazel's running around your home. You're my beacon of light and hope in this world of darkness. And I love you to the moon and back."

I'm surprised I haven't run out of tears yet.

''There is so much I want to tell you, I just can't seem to put it into words. We spent a little time together, but that time was the best time of my life. I love you so much. Please don't leave me.''

''I'll always be here, Hazel. Always.'' he interwined our fingers.

''I don't like always, remember?''

''Well, then I'll be by your side forever.''

''Forever.'' I said and kissed him.

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I'm sorry. I didn't mean to write that it just kind of happened.

:(