We Are Of The Reckless Kind

21

Self-hatred.

It's a very serious topic that everyone needs to discuss at least once. A lot of girls feel self-hatred towards themselves, and it's mostly because other people make them feel that way. And it's not just girls. Boys feel self-harted too. And they both feel it because of the same reason. They think they're not good enough, or that they don't do anything productive or anything that will make them something in life.

Girls usually feel self-hatred because they're not pleased with their bodies. Or because they have pimples on their face. But here's the thing, you are all unique. A little bit of excess weight won't ruin your life forever. If a guy likes you only because of your body or face, then he doesn't deserve you.

I, myself, am not pleased with my body. But I don't let it ruin my life. I own my body. It's MY body. Just like your body is yours. If someone doesn't like it well, fuck them.

I used to be a huge narcissist. I loved myself more than anyone. But my walls started crashing down and the insults started getting worse and worse. And I started believing them. That's when my self-hatred began.

But enough talk about girls. Let's talk about boys. Boys have too much on their plate every hour of every day. Whether it's peer pressure or parent pressure, it can get even worse than girls' self-hatred.

And I believe everyone needs someone to make them feel special. Like Luke does to me, and like I do to Luke. Everyone needs someone who's perfect for them.

"So what's going on with you and Calum?" I asked Grace.

Right now, we're at the school cafeteria. I haven't seen Luke all day but I got my usual 'good morning' text from him a few hours ago.

"Um, I think I'm falling in love with him." she whispered.

"Oh my God. You two are literally perfect for each other. Did you do the diddly widdly?"

"Diddly widdly? What are you, 5 years old?" she laughed.

"The word sex sounds vile to me. I don't like it."

"Well, we haven't done it yet. Have you and Luke?"

I blushed. "Well..."

"You did!" she gasped. "Did it hurt?"

"Well, anyone who says it's heavenly, is lying. It hurts like hell. And you can't walk the next day."

"Was Luke a virgin too?"

"Yeah. But, please, let's not talk about it anymore. It's making me blush and I don't like blushing."

She laughed. "Well, what do you wanna talk about?"

My phone vibrated. It was a text from Luke.

'i couldn't make it to school sorry'

'i noticed',I replied.

'i got up and i had this awful headache so i stayed home, wanna come over after school?'

'yeah sure babe x'

I smiled to myself. The bell rang and Grace and I started walking towards our lockers, who were right next to one another.

"So, what's with Luke?" she asked.

"Sick."

"Are you gonna go see him after school?"

"Yeah, if a bus doesn't run me over."

"Shut up." she laughed.

The next few classes were just plain boring. I sat in my normal seat in the last row and fell asleep. The teachers didn't even mind. I think they were boring themselves to death too. When 6th period was over I ran out of the classroom and to my locker. I got my things and started walking to Luke's house. I knocked and a Luke yelled 'Come in!' from the inside. I entered his house and it was a huge mess. Pizza boxes, plastic cups and cardboard plates everywhere. My OCD immediately started kicking in.

"Luke, what the hell is this?" I asked as I approached the living room.

"Oh, that. Sorry. My gram usually did the cleaning." he said and I immediately felt bad. He lost the only maternal role he had in his life.

"Sorry, Luke. I should really think before I speak." I said and sat down next to him on the couch.

"No, it's okay. I know you're just looking out for me." he said and smiled.

I leaned in to kiss him and he gladly kissed back. I wish it was always like this.

''My head hurts so fucking much, it's not even funny.'' he said.

''Did you take Advil?''

''Yeah, but it won't stop.''

''Well, I don't know what to say. Just lay down and let it pass, I guess.''

''Wow, such thoughtful advice, young child.'' he said and rolled his eyes.

''Shut up.''

We were on the couch the whole afternoon. I loved just being next to him all the time, feeling his presence. He has really become a necessity in my life. I was about to close my eyes when my bladder called out. I excused myself and went to Luke's room, in which the bathroom was. I finished my business and exited the bathroom. I was about to leave the room when a book caught my attention. It was a simple, brown notebook. I know better than to look in it.

But it could be something important.

No, I don't wanna betray his trust.

Oh, come on. You're a coward. A stupid, little, cowardly piece of-

No. It wouldn't be okay with him. I don't want to lose him.

Read it.

Like I said, I know better than to look in it. But curiosity got the best of me.

Letters. A lot of them. All to someone called Ben. As the curious person I am, I started reading them.