We Are Of The Reckless Kind

22

'Dear Ben

It's the first day of school today, and I feel like throwing myself under a bus. Again. I hate school. Maybe even more than myself. I still miss you so much. I'll update you on how it went later today.

Luke'

'Dear Ben

I'm updating you as promised. I saw this girl today, she immediately caught my eye. She had this beautiful shiny black hair and she was wearing a Blink t-shirt. I tried to be nice, but ever since you left me, it hasn't been working out. I wish I had the courage to have a normal conversation with her. I saw the scars on her hands, like the ones I have. I didn't want to bring it up because I know I wouldn't want anyone bringing my scars up. Calum tried to talk to her during lunch. I wouldn't say I was jealous, but I felt something strange and unusual. I don't think I've ever felt it. But, as the stupid person I am, I was rude to her. Again. I wish I could fix myself. But I'm unfixable.

Luke'

'Dear Ben

I learned that the girls name was Hazel. It's a beautiful name. And it suits her very much. She was in the record shop I work in today. I couldn't keep my eyes of her. I was cocky and tried to flirt but flirting isn't exactly a skill I'd put on my resime.

Luke'

'Dear Ben

She was with some Grace girl at lunch today. I saw Calum eyeing Grace but he denies it. I also had English with Mr. Gray today. Hazel is in that class. We were talking about 'And Then There Were None', which is my all time favorite book by the way, and her eyes were so full of life when she was talking about it. As a show-off, I also said everything I know about the book, including the killer. But Mr. Gray stopped me before I could give anything away. She looked genuinely impressed. I think I'm starting to like her. A lot.

Luke'

'Dear Ben

I had a nightmare again last night. They're becoming less frequent though. And I think gram noticed too. I also don't writhe anymore and that's a major improvement. I finally got the balls to give Hazel my number. She texted me right away. And called me cute. I hope that's a good thing. Right now I'm in front of the gym waiting for her, I'll update you on the afternoon's events.

Luke'

'Dear Ben

She just told me about being depressed and having anorexia, after I tried to kiss her, which is a thing I would never be able to do. I admire her strenght so much. And I think I just admitted my feelings to her.

Luke'

'Dear Ben

It seems as if my whole world revolves around her now. I met her at Target today and invited her to my house. You know how self-concious I am about my house. I don't know what got to me, but I told her everything. I told her about Mom and Dad, you, the crash... Everything. And she didn't run away. She didn't run away when I told her about how abusive Dad was. She didn't run away. So I kissed her. I needed to. I needed her.

Luke'

'Dear Ben

I think I love her.

Luke'

''What are you doing?'' Luke said and I closed the notebook instinctively.

''Nothing.''

''How can you compromise my privacy like this? I thought you respected me!'' he yelled, clenching his fists.

''Luke, calm down. I didn't read much.''

''I trusted you! And you betrayed me!'' he started walking towards me throwing his fist in the air.

I guess he noticed how scared I was because his eyes softened and he backed away.

''I'm sorry, Luke,'' I said. ''I should've known better than to look inside and read. I understand that you're angry.''

''Angry? More like infuriated.'' he said in a calmer tone.

''I'm sorry.'' I sat down on his bed.

''Look, Hazel. I'm sorry for yelling. But I don't like people going through my stuff. Even the girl I'm in love with.''

''I know.'' I said. ''I won't do it again. You have no idea how bad I feel. But curiousity got the best of me.''

''It's okay.'' he said and kissed my forehead. ''How much did you read?''

''I got to the 'I think I love her' letter.''

''Oh, that one is a gem.''

I laughed. We sat in silence until I spoke.

''Luke, who is Ben?''

''Ben is my late brother. You know, the one I told you about.''

Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. His brother. His dead brother. He wrote letters to his dead brother.

''Oh.'' is all I managed to say. ''I think it's nice to write letters to him. It's a nice way of saying what you think without actually saying it out loud.''

''Yeah. I had always written letters. They were like a pain reliever.''

''I write songs. It's like letters, but with rhymes.''

He laughed. ''Well I'd love to hear one of them.''

''One day.'' I said and smiled. ''But I doubt it.''

''Why?'' he said.

''Well, mostly because all of them are about you. Plus, they are pretty embarrasing.''

''Oh, come on.''

''Nope.'' I said, popping the 'p'. I opened the notebook again and continued reading.

'Dear Ben

You of all people know how much I wanted to kill myself. I set the date and everything. But then she came, and now, I don't want to leave this Earth. I've seen how beautiful people can actually be. She is my world now, she makes me smile and laugh, she is the prettiest girl I've ever seen, and she's strong. So, so strong. I fell for her and I don't think I want to get up.

Luke'

A tear rolled down my cheek. He was really going to kill himself. Do I really mean that much to him?

He wiped my cheek and said: "You really do mean so much to me, Hazel."

"You know, I planned on killing myself too."

"Please don't tell me that." he frowned.

"But I never had the balls to do it."

"Thank God you didn't."

"You know, I think a part of me was waiting for someone to come and turn my life around. And I think finding you was worth the wait."

I kissed him gently. I wish I could stay in his arms forever. Just him and me, against the world.