We Are Of The Reckless Kind

5

There's this one place I used to go to when I was little. Just to clear out my mind and breathe some fresh air. I used to go there on a daily basis. It was like my little hide away.

My mom called it 'Hazel's'. It was this little hill that nobody knew about except for me and my mom. I never showed it to anyone unless I really cared about them. Which didn't happen. It was peaceful enough to make me enjoy life for one afternoon, while listening to the birds singing and the river running.

The only thing I knew when I got here was that I needed to find a new Hazel's. I needed a place where I could think. Where I could just lay down and stay there for a whole afternoon.

With Sydney being the commotional city it is, it's hard to find a place like that. The only Hazel's I had right now was my house.

One afternoon this week, I decided I'd ask my mother a question that has been bothering me for ages now. I knew I would spark an unwanted reaction from her by asking it, but it was eating me alive.

"Mom?" I asked.

"Yes, sweetie?" she smiled.

"If I died right now, do you think you and dad would stay together?"

Her smile faded as the words left my mouth. "You're not having those thoughts again, are you?"

She sat down next to me.

"No, no. I just wanted to be sure that you wouldn't split up or something because of me."

"Honey, if we would have to go through that, we would go through it together."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"For what?" she asked.

"For everything. And I'm sorry for being so stubborn and talking back all the time. I know I can't blame it all on my mood swings but..."

"It's not your fault, honey. It's just something you and your dad and I have to live with. We always do our best with you, even though you are difficult at times." I laughed.

"But we still love you. And I hope that, one day, you can find someone who loves you just as much as your dad and I love you."

It's always a trouble for me to open up like that and say what I really mean. Hell, even to my own parents.

I got hurt a lot because of expressing my opinion so I guess that's the main reason I started closing off.

------

If you're wondering we actually went to Ashton's house after school and hung out. Grace admitted that were nice and stopped thinking of them as rapists and drug dealers. I think she's even starting to like Calum.

Calum is what you would call: an over-flirter. He flirts to the point where it's gross and you don't want to even know him. But I guess Grace likes him.

I saw Luke at school every day after that afternoon and he would look at me from a distance. I was still facinated, no, infatuated with this boy. I wanted to find out more about him but at the same time he repulsed me. It wasn't his looks, it was how he held himself. He wanted to be superior to everybody. And that wasn't forté nor did I want someone to tower over me like I'm the smaller person. But he still intrigued me in the weirdest way.

One day at lunch he approached mine and Grace's table, slipped a note into my hand and left. The note said 'Here's my number. Text me before English.' So I did.

Me: 'hi'

Luke: 'well that was quick'

Me: 'when a cute boy gives me his number i dont hesitate'

Luke: 'are you flirting with me hazel winters?'

Me: 'you wish'

He was smiling from across the cafeteria. With that sight in my mind I stayed happy for the rest of the day.

The next day I texted Luke to hang out at my house. I said yes and he said he'll meet me in front of the gym after school.

When we got to my house he was dumbfounded. My house was the complete opposite of Ashton's. Or any of his friends' houses.

"My mom and dad own this charity organisation. They make a decent amount of money."

We jammed out with Luke playing one of my many guitars and talked for the whole afternoon. It was the most fun I've had in a while.

We discussed about me changing my hair color. He suggested ocean blue and needless to say I loved it. I needed to change my black hair. This was the happiest I've been in a while, I needed to show it somehow.

One second we're talking about hair and the next Luke was looking at my lips while biting his own. I stopped him when started leaning in.

"No, Luke." I said looking at my feet which became very interesting all of a sudden. "I need you to know what you're getting yourself into before you go so deep you won't be able to get youself out."

"What am I getting myself into?" a look of confusion flashed across his face.

"Look, you don't have to promise not to run after I tell you this, but just listen to me until I finish."

Now, he was scared. I would be too.

"I'm sick."

"Like a terminal disease sick?"

"No. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and bipolar disorder. It fucked up my life, needless to say. I would stay in my room and read books and cry all day which wasn't different from what I did before I was diagnosed. But now I was aware that I am sick. That I am a burden to everyone around me."

Why am I opening up to him?

He nodded to tell me that he was listening carefully. "I was so depressed, I wouldn't eat anything for days. That's how I got anorexia. And I was lucky I had my parents through that time. If they weren't there I would probably be in the same state I was then, today. Or maybe even worse. I could've been dead."

Sadness filled his eyes.

"So, now that you know what I am, you can run away."

"I'll run away, Hazel Winters, only if you run away with me."