Toxic Love

Visiting The Lays

I can't believe what's just happened. In the space of 24 hours my whole life's been turned upside down again. This time though, there's no white knight coming to rescue me. It's all on me. I'm the one to blame. Jax is going back to prison and it's all my fault. I can't believe I was so selfish. Going out wasn't worth it. Not one bit and if I could go back in time, well hindsights an amazing thing.

I feel myself being dragged to my feet. T and Chris are helping me to stand back up. Christy turns to me with an apologetic smile. As if her sympathy will help. Everyone's gutted. I can feel their pain and anguish. It suffocates me. I feel like I can't breathe. I need air. Shrugging everyone off me, I stumble to get away. I need to breathe. I hear them calling my name but I need to get out of that room. Making my way to the door I rush through it. I see the waiting room. The main exit. I pick up speed. Launching myself out of the main door. I suck in a lung full of air.

Their right behind me. I can hear their footsteps. I look up its Chris and T. T hugs me but it doesn't help, it's not him. She's been crying. Her eyes are swollen and bloodshot. It hurts. I've done this. I made everyone upset. It's all my fault. She knows about my guilt, she can read me like a book. "This isn't your fault Em" she says earnestly.

I shake my head. No one can say anything to change my mind. Chris offers me a cigarette. I'd left mine at Jax's. My eyes well up again thinking of him. I take a smoke. I light it and start puffing. The others file out. We regroup. We're all quiet. I think we're all still in shock.

The journey home is much the same. We're all separated into different cars. I'm led to Tels car. June's riding shotgun. I get in the back, Levi's in the middle me and Jess either side. Levi places his arms around both me and Jess. I give him a small smile. I don't deserve their sympathy. Their all hurting too.

We get back and I go straight up to Jax's room. I strip off and get in the shower. I don't wash myself. I just stand under the spray until the water runs cold. Getting out I grab a towel and wrap it round myself. I go into Jax's room and dry myself off. Looking through his drawers, I take out a Tshirt and some of his boxers. I put them on and climb into his side of the bed. I sniff his pillow like a stalker and break down.

I must of fallen asleep. I'm woken up by someone knocking on the bedroom door. T bursts in. She's wearing pjs and she shuts the door and gets into my side of the bed. "Want to talk?" She asks.

I shake my head. She frowns at me. "Good because I do" she pauses. "Em it would break Jax's heart to see you like this. Well obviously he would expect to see you upset but moping around and blaming yourself no. Let me tell you some things about my cousin. He is a free spirit, if that's how to explain it. He does what he wants, without caring about the consequences. He's his own person, he can't be owned or controlled. He lives for the people he loves and the important people in his life are always put before himself. He loves you Emma. Anyone with eyes can see that. He allows his barriers to drop around you and you bring out the best side of him. The Emma he loves would not be moping in bed. She would put on a brave face and be her usual happy sassy self. He would be so angry to know your blaming yourself. Jax wanted to go out last night Em, to find Jamie. He needed to do that. Right or wrong, it was his call and his choice. He has to live with that, as do you but it's not your fault Em. You didn't make Jamie attack you, your not too blame. It's 6 weeks Em, it's shit but it could be worse and we're all gonna get through it together" she full on rants.

Bloody hell, who just let my mum in. I fling my arms round her "Thanks T, I needed that reality check".

"Good coz this is the only day I will allow you to wallow Em. Jess and Levi have gone to get us some munch and we're having a Netflix sesh. It's not optional" she states.