Toxic Love

His reason

Jax pov
Looking down at the sleeping beauty in my arms, I grimace. I've fucked up big time. I turn Emma over slightly so she's not leaning on me as much. The sweats have already started and I can feel the familiar clenching in my stomach, as the cramps start. Next I'll want to throw up and all I'll be able to think about is getting my next high. Fuck I shout in my head how has this happened. I once again look down at this perfect girl, a girl who despite only knowing her for a short amount of time has become my everything. How do I tell the women I love I'm a junkie.

Sighing I gently get off the bed, I can feel the pull off withdrawal heavy in my limbs, making my movements heavy and painful. I glance back making sure Ems is still sleeping before grabbing a tiny brown bottle out of my bag and greedily drinking the contents of it. Methadone, it won't make me high but it will eventually fend of the withdrawal until I can get my next hit.

I spark up a fag and watch my girl sleep trying to focus on the little snores and sounds she makes in her sleep, memorising her perfect lips which are currently pulled into a cute pout. My head is swimming and I pray to god that the methadone kicks in soon. I can't leave her not here, it's not safe. Fuck why did I bring her? She doesn't deserve any of this. I'm a monster a selfish, lying monster. I should of left her, she deserves the world not me.

But I can't let her go, she's the only reason I'm holding on to sanity. My anchor literally, despite what I've become I'm nothing without her. I need her to breathe. I know I need to take control of my self, if I start to slip Ems will know and then she'll leave and I know that won't end well. Not for me anyway.

I look at my phone to check the time, 5:00pm, by the time I have to wake Ems I should be straight again. I notice I've got a few texts, I look through them as a distraction whilst waiting for the pain to numb.

Cam - where the fuck are ya lad? That bitch got you on a leash? Come to Wayne's we've scored. I look at the txt and i want to kill someone, rage engulfs me and I know if Cam was here now I wouldn't be able to control myself. I'd want to kill him, I blame him. I know deep down he didn't make me start my down wood spiral. Like the clever addict he is he manipulated me hoping to benefit from our mutual friendship. The dealer and the addict. I want to laugh out loud at his stupidity. He should of know my family always comes first and now there's Emma too. My beacon of light in the suffocating darkness.

I check my other texts. Chris- hey bro, you good? Did you get there ok? I'm Looking forward to you and Emma getting back and putting all this shit behind us. Love ya bro, stay safe x x

I feel guilty, it eats away at me. Chris has been my best mate since primary school. We've grown up together. Done everything together, we were always inseparable. He's always had my back, I wouldn't be where I am today without him. I'm letting him down, I'm letting them all down. What if I can't protect them anymore, what if I can't protect Em. I shake my head, I won't let that happen again.

Feeling my aches and pains slowly ebbing away, I ask myself again how this happened. The answers simple Jamie, just thinking about him makes my body go hot with rage. The fact that he dared to touch my girl, my light. After seeing her face that day in court I vowed to myself if I ever found him I would make him pay. It's a threat I intend to keep. Ems doesn't know, it would just worry her and she doesn't need to worry, I can look after her. I will protect her.

Every night in my cell, every time I closed my eyes I would see her beautiful fucked up face, swollen, black and blue. I couldn't sleep, I'd have nightmares about Tobs getting to her too late. My fists clench at the thought, Jamie will pay. It was Cam as my cell mate who saw the hole I was in. I couldn't protect Emma when she needed me the most and then I got locked up, once again making her face this cruel world alone. I wasn't sleeping, I couldn't eat. I was a shell, a shell racked with guilt for the terrible things Emma had suffered because of me. Our weekly visits the only thing I had to look forward too. I'd plaster a smile on my face to protect her. I'm always trying to protect her, even if it doesn't seem that way.