Toxic Love

I'm sorry what

My mum ushered me in and helped me on to the sofa. She was being so gentle, as though I was glass and I'd break. Little did she know the damage had been done. If my heart was glass it was shattered into splinters that were travelling around my body. Causing pain all over and making it hard to breath.

"Emma, darling. Do you want to talk? Tell me what's happened?" She asks face full of concern.

I shake my head firmly as my latest round of sobs start to subside. My whole body is shuddering with the aftermath of the harsh crying I've been doing.

My mum looks pained and I immediately feel guilty that she's having to see me like this. I can't even give her an explanation. How do I put it into words. Make her understand. I can't, at least not right now.

"I'll be fine. Please don't worry about me mum" I whisper to her.

She drinks in my appearance again. Looking torn. "Please just answer one question Emma. No ones hurt you have they?" She asks pointing to my ripped top.

I look down, feeling mortified. I'm such a mess my mums thinking I've been attacked or something. "No mum. No ones hurt me, not physically at least".

She gives me a small smile. Obviously feeling relieved that the thoughts running through her head aren't a reality. "I love you Emma, I'm here if you want to talk. I'll always be here to listen. It doesn't have to be today. I just want you to know. Do you want to go up to bed?" She asks.

I nod. Feeling so drained. I wish I could nod my head and be in my bed already. Mum helps me upstairs, she helps me into some of my pyjamas from my drawers and gently brushes my hair. I get into bed and she kisses my forehead.

"What do you want me to do with this?" She asks lifting up the ripped Tshirt.

I hold out my hand and she passes me the ripped fabric. I sniff it and inhale Jax's lingering scent. I put the Tshirt under my pillow and my mum gives me a sympathetic smile before turning off the light and shutting my door.

I fall into a deep dreamless sleep. The day's emotions finally having caught up with my exhausted body.

4 weeks later.

Today is the day that I finally get rid of my casts. You'd think I'd be looking forward to it but it's just another day in my personal misery. Moping that's the word my mums been using. I'd rather refer to it as existing. My health has deteriorated. I'm surprised my casts haven't fallen off with the weight I've lost.

Eating is just something I do when my mum or dad nag me enough. It usually results in vomiting. I feel physically drained all the time. I don't care about my appearance anymore. I thought it would be easy walking away but all I've been left with is a shell of who I once was.

Apparently I'm a cause for concern. Mum seems to think I should of stopped moping by now, as she calls it. She doesn't understand. How could she. I've never explained and even if I had, she hasn't experienced it. She's hoping the Dr will be able to help me later. According to her and my dad I need antidepressants or something. I know what will put me back together and it doesn't come in tablet form.

Jax... Just thinking about him still causes my heart to clench. It's been 4 weeks. I haven't spoken to him. I deleted everyone from Facebook and blocked all contacts except Tel and T. The others had turned up here. Even Jax but my dad threatened him with the police and he hasn't been back since. I don't really talk to Tel maybe a txt once a week, I get a text asking how I am and if I need anything.

T is another story. She won't let me go. We have rules. We don't talk about him, ever. She texts and rings most days. The others don't know, that was another rule. It's hard, I want to ask after him but I know I can't. It's better this way. Sometimes I know she wants to say something about him. She never does. She knows it will be a deal breaker. Her latest thing is wanting to see me but I know that's not a good idea. One look at me and she will know that I'm not coping. I'm not her problem though. I can only hope that it's been worth it and Jax is clean and happy. Then it's all been worthwhile.