Savior || E.D. ||

34: Before

I am starting a new story so please go check it out. It is called Problems. Comment which twin and some names. 

(A/N: This is going to contain self-harm and thoughts of things that relate to depression. You have been warned.)

Ethan's P.O.V.

I had bad dreams before. They were just weird nightmares. They were never about someone dying. In my other dreams, I got chased by things or tortured. Grayson was the one who woke me up and talked with me. The dreams eventually stopped after a while. 

But now they are back. And they are much worse. Grayson wants me to tell him about them, but I don't know if I am going to be able to say anything. I don't know if I will be able to. I sit there and play with my hands. 

"You don't understand, Grayson. You don't. These are bad. They are way worse," I say. 

"You're right. I don't understand. I don't have the dreams. I don't understand why you say they are so bad and I will continue to not understand until you talk about it. Whether it is to me or to Loreen, you need to talk. You already know how Loreen feels about your silence over the dreams. She is worried. She doesn't understand any of it and I can't tell her because it should be you to tell her and it will be. Talk to anyone. I don't care. Just talk," Grayson says. 

I stay quiet. "It might be better to get it out, E," Grayson says. 

"I don't know how to say it. I don't know how!" I say. I out my head in my hands and think. I think about the dreams. 

Choking her to death. Shooting her. Choosing between her and Grayson. Her getting hanged. Stabbing her with a knife. Watching her suffer. Watching her bleed out. Watch someone else kill her. Just watching and not being able to do anything. Nothing. 

"The first dream, you were in. I had to choose between you or her and I choose to save you. I had to kill the other person. She didn't fight me," I say. I can't say her name. I don't deserve to. "I stabbed her in the stomach with a knife and held her in my arms as she died." 

Grayson looks at me. I can see in his eyes that he is shook but his face looks normal. I go on and on about the dreams. I tell him every single one in full detail until I am left to where I woke Loreen up. I woke her up and fucked her. 

"After I woke up, I--uh--I did something to try to take the pain away. It worked, but it was only temporary," I say. I plan on continuing but Grayson interrupts me. 

"You know that I heard you guys in the middle of the night. Don't try to beat around the bush. I know what you did and I understand, E. Go on," he says, chuckling. 

"Yeah. Anyway. When we woke up in the morning, she asked me about the dreams. I can't talk to her about it. I can't say I am having dreams about her death," I get quiet for about a minute. "I love her, Grayson. I really do. I just don't know what to do anymore."

Loreen's P.O.V. 

I woke up to an empty bed. Grayson must have left. The bed is still warm from where he was at so he must not have left that long ago. I get up and go pee, ignoring my legs screaming at me to lay back down. I walk to Grayson's room but I find it empty. I hear talking down the hall. Ethan's room to be exact. 

I walk slowly down the hall trying to listen to what they are saying and not make any noise. I soon stand by the door and it is silent. About thirty seconds later I hear a voice I automatically recognize as Ethan's.

"I love her, Grayson. I really do. I just don't know what to do anymore."

My heart shatters into pieces. Does he not want to be with me anymore? What did I do wrong? I love you too, Ethan. I love you too. I walk back to my room and close the door. I sit down and cry on my bed. 

My mom died when I was at about 8 years old. She told me, even back then, that no man is ever worth you giving up your life. She must have never felt the love with my father. Who would? He is a terrible man. 

Life is so precious. Especially when you have someone that loves you and understands you to share it with. Ethan is my person. I love him. 

My life had always sucked. My mother was the only thing that had ever been good in my life. Then, the number one bad thing in my life took her away. My father. He continued to do bad things to me. Made me feel uncomfortable with my body. 

He messed with my body. He tried to make me feel good but it only felt wrong. I told him that and he hit me. I finally got him away; with Ethan's help, of course. That is the second good thing that has ever happened to me and I am driving him away. I am making him go insane. 

He is having bad dreams and we are arguing. I am driving him crazy. I am hurting him. I can't hurt him. I refuse to. That means I lose him but that is what's best. My stomach drops and I sob. I don't want them to hear so I cover my mouth with a pillow. 

I try my best to stop sobbing and I quiet down a little. I get up and lock my door. I go into my separate bathroom and lay in the tub. I see my razor to shave. 

I grab it and place it on my bare thigh. Is this what I want? I press it harder against my thigh and the skin breaks. I drag it across my thigh and I see a line appear. Blood spots up on the line and runs down my leg. I cut more. 

I make myself stop and turn the water on. I set my razor on the side of the tub and rinse my leg off. I wipe my face to clear to tears and walk into my room. I have to wear pants now to cover the cuts. 

I never did that before. I broke my promise to myself. I said that even in my darkest days I would never do that to myself. I guess love changes everything. 

Quick lil note

What do you guys think?

I'm sorry for all that depressing stuff. 

On a more positive note, I finished my Ethan and Grayson drawing.