Start Again

Forgot To Be A Lover

*Note: Honestly, I'm probably overly invested in my own story because I got ridiculously pissed off when I was writing this chapter and reading it over to edit it pissed me off just as much -.- But if you lovelies like it then it was all worth it, enjoy.*

The caring and concerned partner act was just that, an act. It was an excuse to get me to visit my brother and to leave Billy alone while he got fucked up on drugs. Alone and with his drugs, that was where Billy wanted to be.

The Billy I had fallen in love with was dead. A monster of a man had taken over his place and began to wreaked havoc on my life. Billy had only become more distant since the miscarriage, but when we did interact he always had a nasty comment ready to shoot in my direction. He relied more on his booze and drugs to get him through the days. I relied on my records played at an incredibly loud volume to drown out my thoughts.

Normally Billy would come home late but he was even later than usual this time. I was worried and decided to stay up to make sure that Billy actually made it home. He struggled to unlock the front door and fumbled with the doorknob once he made it in.

"What have you been doing all day?" I asked Billy as he stumbled into the room. "Don't worry about it" He slurred before plopping down on the couch next to me.

"Don't worry about it? Billy you come home at three in the fucking morning. You stumble your way into the house like you broke in here, and you've been drunk and high on God knows what everyday for the past month. And all you can say is 'don't worry about it?' Of course I'm worried! What happens if you don't come home one day?" I yelled. I couldn't hide how I felt anymore. Weeks had passed since I lost the baby and every day I kept my mouth shut about how late Billy would come home and how much he smelled like cheap perfume and alcohol.

"You're just upset that I have a job and you don't!" Billy yelled back grasping at anything to take the heat off himself. I quickly stood up from the couch and looked down at him.

"I don't have a job? You made me quit my job because you were jealous that I was making more money than you!" I yelled as I pointed my finger in Billy's face. He quickly stood up and shoved my hand out of his face.

The next thing that happened didn't seem real. Billy lifted his hand and pulled it back before it connected with my cheek. It happened in slow motion, I could see the anger in his crystal blue eyes as he hit me. I stumbled back from the force of the slap and quickly held my cheek.

"Blair....I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hit you" Billy said as he stared down at me in disbelief. The initial shock from his action was gone. I was filled with anger by the lie that Billy told. He meant to hit me, which was why he did. "Yeah well you did it. Whether you meant to or not, you still hit me" I said and stood my ground.

I knew just what to say next to get under Billy's skin. It probably wasn't the smartest move to go for the thing he hated the most, but in the moment I hated Billy. Love and hate were two sides of the same coin. All it took was that slap to flip the coin. Now I was out for blood, I wanted him to feel how frustrated and disappointed and angry I was.

"You're just like him and I'm not stupid enough to let myself be in another relationship that's as toxic as Johnny and I were" I said firmly as I lowered my hand from my burning cheek. My tongue felt like it was coated in poison as I said the words and they stung to say them. "Don't compare me to him!" Billy yelled at me as he got closer to my face. I shook my head. I wouldn't back down, now was not the time. Now was the time to stand my ground.

"You're right. Johnny was more of a gentleman than you. For me to compare the two of you, it's disrespectful to him. Goodbye Billy" I said and walked into the bedroom to pack my things. I was done, there was no more I had to say to him and there was no more I wanted to say.

"Blair, you can't be serious right?" Billy asked as he followed me. I began shoving my things into the same duffle bag I always used. "Blair!" Billy yelled as he grabbed my arm making me drop the pile of clothes that I held onto.

"Don't you dare fucking touch me! You disgust me! After all we've been through, I can't believe it's come to this" I said and roughly pulled my arm from his grip. "I disgust you?" Billy yelled as I picked up my things off the floor.

"You're nothing but a slut! All you know how to do is lay on your fucking back with your legs open! I don't even think that baby was mine! You're a dirty fucking cunt, Blair Madison!" Billy screamed and pushed me onto the floor. I wanted to cry but I wouldn't let myself seem weak in front of Billy.

"I've been suffering! You don't know what it's like!" Billy yelled down at me. I picked myself off the floor and began angrily throwing clothes into my bag. "And you think that I wasn't!" I shouted back. I could feel how red my face was from shouting.

"I had a human being growing inside me. It was our baby and it died inside of my body. Don't you think I feel guilty? Don't you think I feel responsible for the reason why that baby will never be born?" I asked as Billy refused to look at me. He knew I was right.

"Fucking cunt" Billy said under his breath as he left the room and slammed the door. I could hear the wooden door frame splinter and crack. I took a deep breath and finished packing.

I stared down at the black pearl ring that clung to my finger before pulling it off and placing it on the nightstand. I made my way to the music room and grabbed as many of my favorite records that I could carry in my bag and in my arms.

As I walked into the front room I saw Billy sitting on the couch with something tied around his arm and a needle in his hand. I stood in the doorway and turned around to take one last look at Billy.

"Goodbye, William Broad" I said as my voice shook and my eyes filled up with tears. I gently closed the door behind myself and began what seemed like a very long walk down the driveway.

I didn't know where to go, but I knew that I needed to talk to Steve. I found a payphone a few blocks away from my.....from Billy's house. I called Steve and tried not to break down into the usual sobbing mess I became when talking about things like this.

I tried to explain everything to Steve in the most unbiased way I could. I didn't want to seem like the victim, I was an adult and I could defend myself physically or otherwise. I didn't want to make the situation any worse than it already was.

"Blair......I don't know what to say" Steve said and sighed. "I'm friends with both of you. Normally I wouldn't pick a side but, fuck. With the shit he said about you....I'm on your side. You shouldn't be treated like that, or have those things said about you" Steve said. I was going to defend Billy, say that he was drunk and high. But Billy was a grown ass man. He knew exactly what he was saying and what he was doing, even if he was saying those things while wired on a deadly cocktail of drugs and booze. They were things that he had probably wanted to say for a while now.

"What are you going to do now?" Steve asked. I took a deep breath before sighing. "I don't know, but I can't stay here" I replied as I looked down at my packed bag by my feet.

"Then stay with me. I promise you that I would never treat you that way. I mean...I might try to shag you again, but that's all" Steve said. I laughed and wiped my tear soaked cheeks. "Thanks for the offer, but I think I'm going back to New York" I replied.