Start Again

Lovesong

Billy left without saying another word. That upset me more than if he would've said anything and I wouldn't admit to myself why. The truth was I was still deeply in love with Billy.

If it was anyone else I would've given up hope the first day I left. But this was Billy. He had been with me during my blackout drunk period when Nancy died. He was patient with me, he knew I was struggling to cope. So why wasn't I patient with him? The only problem was Billy wasn't trying to drink his problems away like I was.

The more I thought about what had just happened the angrier I got. I found the nearest object, which happened to be my old Doc Martens, and threw it across the room. I began knocking over and throwing anything I could just to feel some relief.

I was shocked to hear the scream that I let out. The ear-piercing scream had stopped me in my tracks and left me standing there mid throw with a record clenched tightly in my hand. Pictures that had been squeezed between the record sleeve and the cover of the album fell to the floor.

"Blair" He quietly said from the doorway. I jumped at the sound of Billy's voice and held the record to my chest. "I thought you left" I responded just as quietly as he had said my name. Suddenly I felt ashamed of myself, standing in the middle of the mess that my flat now was.

"You thought I left so you decided to trash the place?" Billy asked as he slowly walked towards me with his hands shoved into his pockets. I shrugged before kneeling down and collecting the pictures off the floor. "I was pissed off" I quietly said. Billy knelt down in front of me as he pulled his hands out of his pockets.

"Pissed off at me?" He asked. Our eyes met for a quick second before I looked away and shook my head. "I don't know anymore" I replied with a sigh. Billy nodded, I knew that was his way of saying he understood. I stared down at the photograph in my hand.

The thick white band around the polaroid picture had the place and date written on it. It was a bar close to the flat Billy and I lived in at Notting Hill Gate. Billy, Siouxsie, Simon, and I would spend hours there drinking and talking. Simon was the one who had taken the picture of Siouxsie, Billy, and I.

"That's my favorite picture" Billy said as he moved closer to my side. I smiled down at the photo that had somehow managed to capture the emotions of that moment. "Mine too" I admitted. "We look so in love" Billy replied. In the picture I was looking up at Billy with a blissful grin plastered on my face, he had my hand firmly pressed against his cheek with his eyes closed. Across his face was the same smile as mine which looked so full of love and adoration.

"What happened to us?" I asked the question we had both been wondering but until this point were too afraid to ask out loud. My eyes locked with Billy's as we struggled to find an answer together. "It would be easier to ask what didn't happen to us" Billy said as he held my gaze.

My eyes scanned his face and for the first time in all the years I had known him Billy had looked so unsure and looked as if he lacked the confidence it took just to speak. He looked older than I remembered him looking the day before, I wondered if I looked just as old as him if not older. We were no longer the couple in the poloroid picture.

Billy was no longer the chubby faced boy with the peroxide blonde hair and I was no longer the girl with the round face and the short purple hair. He was a grown man with beautifully chiseled, yet sophisticated looking features.

His eyes no longer held the youthful innocence that they once did, they carried the burden of a man under scrutiny from everyone who crossed his path. Finally I understood. All the pieces that had been messily thrown together now seemed to perfectly fit together. We had both been under so much pressure from everyone to be people that, while we were some of the time, weren't our true selves.

Billy was a rock star, a sex symbol. I was a model with a dark wild mane for hair, I don't really know what that makes me to anyone. It seemed the whole world only knew me for being Billy's girlfriend and now his ex. I was just another name in, what seemed like now to be a long list of girls that once fooled around with Billy. Was that all I ever was? A girl that slept with famous British men?

I took the rest of the pictures from Billy and placed them back in the album. I found it hard to even be in the same room as him now. Not because I was mad at him, but because I was ashamed of how things had turned out. I was ashamed that I had left Billy to deal with the pressures placed upon both of our shoulders alone with while I threw myself into my work to distract myself from it.

"Billy?" I asked as I tucked the record back away in its spot. "Yes" He simply replied standing directly behind me. His voice was raspier and deeper than I had remembered but it still sounded as smooth as silk. "I'm sorry" My voice shook and I was afraid that I would start crying.

"You don't have any reason to be sorry" Billy said as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I sighed and relaxed into Billy's arms. "Have I told you lately that I love you" Billy started to sing. My cheeks heated up from embarrassment. "Oh god, Billy don't" I begged as a smile spread across my face.

"If I didn't, darling. You see, I'm so sorry. Didn't I reach out and hold you in these loving arms. Well, if I didn't, oh baby. Well, I'm so sorry" Billy continued despite my embarrassment. He began to sway back and forth while pulling me along with him. "Billy" I complained.

"Alright, I'll stop" Billy said as he chuckled and let me go. I turned around and faced him. My cheeks were still bright red. Suddenly Billy dropped to his knees and placed his hands on my hips. "When I realized that you need love too, I'm gonna spend my life making love, making love, making love to you" Billy loudly belted out.

My hand flew to my mouth before I broke into a fit of laughter that Billy quickly joined in on. He stood up and smiled at me as our laughs slowly faded out. "You cheeky bastard" I said and pushed him. Billy caught my arms and pulled me tightly into his chest.