Start Again

Self-Sabotage

I didn't stay at the pub for much longer after breaking down in tears. I went back to my hotel room and showered as I thought about everything that had happened that day. I could hear Dave's voice in my head seductively repeating the words from earlier. "I'm just getting started" The words echoed in my head until the image of Martin's light green eyes were replaced with Dave's alluring dark green ones.

I pulled the towel off my still damp body and began drying my hair, my mind still enveloped with thoughts of Martin and Dave. The soft knock on the door wasn't enough to shake me out of my daydreaming until it became more rapid. I quickly pulled the towel back around my body before answering the door. A small gasp escaped my lips as Dave smirked at me from the other side of the door.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as I tried to secure the towel tighter around my body. "I wanted to make sure you were okay" Dave replied. "That's a lie" I said unmoved by his words. He smiled and let out a small laugh.

"Only half, can I come in?" He asked and dug his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket. I hesitated knowing that the smart thing to do would be to tell him no and shut the door. "Yes" I quietly replied and moved out of the way. The old punk in me, the old anarchist, the one who wanted to unintentionally destroy everything she touched had given in. Dave slowly strolled into the room, my eyes watching him as I closed the door and leaned against it.

"What are you doing here?" I repeated my question. "I'm keeping up" He coyly replied as he pushed a wet strand of hair behind my ear. My brain went blank and all thoughts good or bad became silent as Dave's lips crashed onto mine. He pulled me in his arms and backed me up until the back of my legs hit the bed.

Dave began palming at my breasts earning a small gasp from me. I slid my hand down his chest and grabbed onto the large bulge in his pants. He moaned against my lips as he lowered me onto the bed.

With slight help from Dave I rid him of his clothes as he easily pulled the towel off of my body. His hands roamed up and down my body as if he was trying to remember every curve of my naked figure. With Dave there was no slight clumsiness like there had been with Martin.

It almost seemed like it was a fight for dominance. His hands were firmly on my waist guiding my movements while he rocked his hips up to meet mine, reminding me that even though I was on top he was still the dominant one. I fought against his grip and began moving faster.

My hands began to scratch at his pale chest becoming rougher than I intended. Dave let out a small hiss in pain as he sat up leaning his back against the headboard.

"You're a rough one" Dave said with a smile. "I thought you said you could keep you" I teasingly replied returning his smile. He wrapped his arms around my torso and tried to keep up with my pace. Dave nipped at my collar bone slightly piercing the flesh.

"Shit, Dave! What was that" I complained as he smirked up at me. "Just me keeping up" He answered making me laugh. In the end I became submissive letting Dave take full control. He pinned me down to the bed while his hips moved just as wildly as they had earlier on the stage. The rest of the night turned into a blur of lustful euphoria.

In the morning a small kiss on my forehead and hand on my cheek woke me up. Dave was dressed in his clothes from the night before, his white dress shirt partially buttoned up as he stood on the side of the bed half towering over me.

"Are you leaving?" I asked as I squinted up at him. He nodded and bent down to kiss me again. I held his face in my hands as I savored the long last kiss before he pulled away. "I'm sorry about your chest" I apologized as I noticed the freshly scabbed streaks down his skin. "I'm not" He replied with a smile.

"I'll see you later" Dave said and stroked my cheek again before leaving. When he did my mind finally cleared from the night before and I found myself dialing a number that I had received over a year ago. I needed someone who was honest to a fault to tell me if what I was doing was wrong.

"Hello?" A woman's voice asked on the line before I had realized what I had done. "Um...Hi. Is Johnny there?" I asked still unsure of why I was doing this.

"Who's this?" She asked. When the woman heard my reply her breath caught in her throat. "Just a moment" She said before I heard inaudible whispers on the other side of the phone.

"Blair?" Johnny's voice had almost seemed unfamiliar to my ears. I couldn't remember the last time we spoke. Even his name sounded strange coming from my mouth. "It's been a long time since I gave you this number...why are you just calling now?" He asked. I wasn't completely sure why. I let out a nervous laugh.

"I'm not really sure. I guess I want to meet up" I replied with doubt. We decided to meet at a cafe that was a fifteen minute drive from my hotel. When I saw Johnny sitting at the table I started to doubt what I was doing again, but I couldn't back out after he saw me.

I found myself grimacing out of pain from the night before as I lowered myself onto the chair. Johnny laughed noticing the pained expression on my face. We talked about a lot of things from the days when the Sex Pistols were together to my recent pictures in the gossip column.

"So you and Billy?" Johnny asked. I sighed, that was the question that seemed to hang on the lips of every curious person I came across. "It's complicated" I replied. Johnny chuckled and nodded.

"Who is he then?" Johnny asked with a smirk showing his rotten teeth that I had grown to love. "Who?" I asked confused. "This new man who's 'four years her junior' as I read" Johnny teased. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

"His name is Martin. Is it weird that he's younger?" I asked and nervously bit my bottom lip. Johnny laughed again. "It's very weird" He joked and kicked me under the table before he became serious. "Blair, listen to me. It doesn't matter who you're with, what other people say about them, or any of that shit as long as you're happy" Johnny said and took my hand in his as I smiled at him. I bit the inside of my cheek before sighing.

"There's someone else too, well sort of" I said thinking of Dave. Johnny raised his eyebrows at me. "We had sex last night and....I don't know. It was good, but weird because of Martin. I don't want to hurt either of them...but there was something between us last night" I rambled. Johnny squeezed my hand for me to stop talking.

"Something that feels wrong because you aren't supposed to be with him but feels good in the moment because you are" Johnny explained. I nodded. "When did Johnny Rotten become so wise?" I asked poking fun at him. He sat back in his chair with a smirk. "I've always been wise" He proudly said.

"I should get going" I said and pulled my hand away from his. I stood up before Johnny followed my actions. "It was good to see you John" I said and hugged him. "Remember something, Blair" Johnny said being serious again. I nodded for him to continue.

"Be careful who you sleep with or even flirt with. You're very easy to fall in love with, even when you aren't trying to make anyone fall in love with you" He warned me. I stared at him slightly shocked by his words. "But stick with Martin, your face lit up like I've never seen before when we talked about him" Johnny said before we parted ways.