Start Again

Shake The Disease

After the phone call with Steve had ended Martin and I sat in silence thinking over everything we had just heard together. The silence wasn't awkward though, it almost felt comfortable. I think that if either one of us had opened our mouths at that time it would've made it awkward. When the moment had passed my wet face, Martin's wet cheeks, and the damp spot on my shoulder where Martin had his chin resting had all dried.

"Blair?" Martin quietly called my name as he lifted his head off my shoulder. I moved on the bed and faced him. "How is it that you've been through so much and you're still so strong?" He asked. I let out a small laugh.

"Well on top of what you already know...I was neglected by my parents as a child, was the reason why my brother got into an accident that cost him his leg, was kicked out of my house, or ran away depending on who you ask. Plus I found out recently that my brother was gay and had AIDS just a few months before he died. So....I'm just hanging on by a very thin thread" I admitted as my voice shook. Martin squeezed me into a tight hug and kissed the top of my head. I felt safe in his arms and even though my past haunted me at times I wasn't scared of it anymore.

"I'm happy I met you at the party" I said as I relaxed in his arms. "Aren't you glad I wore that skirt?" Martin asked as he released me from the strong hug. "Of course, if you didn't wear it I might've missed you in the crowd" I said knowing perfectly well that with his fluffy mop of hair he was hard to overlook in even the largest group of people.

"I was thinking more about how it made it easier for us to have sex in such a public place" Martin said with a smirk as he started to laugh. His laugh was one of the sweetest things I've ever heard. It was as equally sexy as it was contagious because I quickly found myself laughing along with him.

"You cheeky bastard, get out of here" I said and playfully pushed Martin down onto the bed. He sweetly smiled up at me and patted his thighs with his hands before sitting back up. "Come sit" Martin commanded still grinning at me. "But Martin, I'm just right here" I replied confused.

"I know, but I want to hold you in my arms" He replied making me blush as I sat down on his lap and folded my arms around his neck. "Are you happy?" I asked him as I tangled my fingers in his hair. "Very much so" Martin replied. He pushed my hair off my shoulders before wrapping his arms around my waist and nuzzling his head into the crook of my neck.

"You know we'll never get anything done today if we stay like this" I said as I played with his blonde curls. "So then we'll stay like this and do nothing all day" Martin's words were muffled against my skin. I scoffed. "All you did was repeat what I said" I stated as I rolled my eyes. Martin let out a small laugh which made me squirm in his arms as his breath hit my neck.

"That's because you made a good point" He replied before softly kissing my neck. I pulled away from Martin and held his face in my hands. "My point was that you have a concert later that you should be getting ready for and I have a photo shoot that I should be preparing for" I explained. Martin pouted up at me as he placed his hands on my hips, his beautiful green eyes begging me to let him stay.

"Don't give me that look" I said and gently pecked Martin's lips. "Anyway I think I want to talk with Billy. Not for him, but for me, I want to be finished with that part of my life" I told Martin as he continued to pout at me. "Okay, but just one more kiss before I leave" He begged as his pout changed into a wide smile. I quickly pecked his lips again and began to pull away but Martin held me in my place.

"No, a long kiss, a nice long kiss" Martin protested. I pressed my lips against his and held the kiss for a few seconds only to still be held in my spot. "Longer" He said smirking. I kissed him three more times, each longer than the last and was still told the kisses weren't long enough.

"Martin, you said one kiss five kisses ago" I said laughing as I pressed my forehead against his. "Okay, but really just one more. Please, Blair" He begged and wrapped his arms around my torso. I tangled my fingers into his curly locks again and found myself getting lost in the kiss as our lips moved together. When we had finally pulled away I was out of breath and no longer pushing for either one of us to be productive.

"Martin Gore, you are terrible. You know I can't resist your charms" I said as Martin pulled on his clothes from the night before. He smirked in response knowing exactly what he had started by asking for one more kiss. "I'll see you after your photo shoot?" Martin asked as he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled his shoes on. I nodded and sweetly kissed Martin again one last time before he left.

I was surprised to find that Billy was so eager to get together and talk with me after what had happened last night. I suggested we met at a restaurant and spent the first five minutes shoveling food into my mouth. When I had almost cleared the plate I began pushing the food around not knowing where to start the conversation.

"Your eye looks worse than Martin's does" I said as I pointed at his swollen and bruised eye. He had a few cuts along his cheekbone caused by the rings worn by Martin splitting the skin on impact. Billy mumbled something as took a drink from his cup.

His words fell apart before they hit my ear, but it sounded like he had said something along the lines of 'that's too bad.' I glared at him for a second before I remembered why I asked to talk with him. "I want this to be over, for good. No more dating, no more casual sex, not even a drunken hookup" I said making Billy laugh, but I didn't laugh with him. Once he saw that he was the only one who found what I said to be funny he stopped.

"Blair, you can't be serious?" He asked. I nodded as I took a deep breath in. "I've never been more serious in my life" I replied. Billy must've blinked at least a hundred times as he struggled to say anything. "After all we've been through you're just going to walk away so easily?" Billy asked. That was the thing that he didn't seem to understand, none of this was easy.

"Billy, we've been together for seven maybe eight years. It's not easy for me to leave this behind. We were engaged at one point, we almost had a child together. No one knows me like you do" I said as I found myself getting choked up. "Then you should want to try and fix things between us because we've been together for so long" Billy said and reached out for my hand. I pulled my hand off the table just before Billy could grab it.

"I spent the last year with you trying to fix things. You can't fix a relationship like ours. I can't spend the rest of my life attempting to turn a blind eye to your cheating anymore" I started to explain before I was cut off by Billy. "I didn't cheat on you as much as you say I did and I already told you it wasn't my fault. I was on drugs, I didn't know what I was doing" Billy tried to defend himself. I laughed in disbelief.

"Billy I don't even know how many times you cheated on me because I tried to ignore it even though you came home everyday smelling like a different cheap perfume. And on top of that you hit me and called me a cunt!" I said raising my voice at him for the first time since we sat down. "I was on drugs!" He yelled slamming his fist down on the table. I bit my bottom lip and shook my head at Billy as I waited for him to calm down.

"You can't blame every bad thing you did on your drug use. I tried to kill myself while I was on drugs, which first of all you should've never kept a secret from me, but that's not the point. The point is I'm owning up to what I did, on and off drugs, and I can't sit here and take any more abuse from you" Billy cut me off again as I tried to finally get everything off my chest. "How can you say that? I never abused you" He said through gritted teeth as his cold blue eyes glared at me.

"You belittled me. You hit me and you made me quit my job because you told me no one would want pictures of fat me. Billy, you caused me so much trauma that I ended up losing our only child. I'm done, Billy, we're done" When I had finished I let out a sigh and oddly found myself smiling.

I felt good, like I had shed the rest of the weight that I had been carrying on my shoulders for years. Now all I wanted to do was find Martin and be happy with him, but he was at his concert. I caught a glimpse of the clock behind Billy and let out a loud gasp.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm gonna be late. I'm sorry Billy, I have to go. I'm glad we had this talk and it was good to see you" I quickly said as I got up from the table and shoved a small crumble of bills into the hands of the waitress who was passing by our table.

The traffic outside of the restaurant was ridiculous and it was impossible to get a cab. I took off running towards the entrance of the tube and just managed to squeeze on to the right train before it took off. It was a miracle that I wasn't late when I finally got to the building.